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Sunday, June 4, 2017

rant

I don't even know where to start.

I'm feeling a bit crazy today, not in a good way.  I'm struggling with some things and I'm finding that hard to admit, for various reasons.  I'm not sure I should (or want to) go into too much detail right now, so I'll just make a list and keep things short.  This is for my own sanity anyway, right?

I watched "The Keepers" on Netflix.  It's a documentary series about the catholic church covering up abuse and murder.  I'm not done watching it, but so far it's been incredibly heart-wrenching.  I can relate, and yet my story looks nothing like theirs.  It makes me question if my story is even real.

As of today, I have 31 days of sobriety under my belt.  Yay me?  Why am I so ashamed of this?  It should be longer.  I can't tell anyone because they don't know that I relapsed, yet again.

I was feeling all fabulous and strong yesterday and posted something on facebook that had been rolling around in my head.  It's a simple concept, but my addict self has never understood this until recently.  The only way to get stronger is to practice being uncomfortable.  For years I've been keeping myself sick simply because I don't want to face any pain or discomfort.  A guy that I considered my best friend in highschool posted a "that's what she said" meme in response.  I was immediately pissed and annoyed....and then filled with self doubt.  I hate that joke.  I've always hated it.  It seemed like he was sexualizing what I said.  It brought back all sorts of memories of times that he made jokes at my expense.  I always laughed them off and pretended not to care.  I regret not standing up for myself then.  I don't associate with him much now.  I replied to his comment and told him it wasn't funny.  A few minutes later, he deleted it.  Now I'm wondering if I'm just being too sensitive.

I've been dealing with some major fears of abandonment lately.  People in my recovery community are either moving on toward bigger and better things and not keeping in touch due to circumstances, or they are falling back into their sickness.  I feel torn between them.  The ones who are moving on don't want to surround themselves with the illness they tried so hard to get free from.  It seems like the healthy people in my life don't stick around for more than a few years.  People move on.  It's a fact of life that I don't really want to accept right now.

So much for the "list version."  Ha!

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