I haven't had a dream in a long time. Well, not one that I remembered at least. Even though I overslept this morning, I was excited that I actually remembered my dream! I wrote it down and have been thinking about it off and on all day. I had a moment on the way to work when I was praying through this dream and I wondered if dreams really are from God, or if they happen in our own minds...come from our psyche or whatever. Honestly, I have no idea. But, does it matter? I've found that I hear God's voice in my head and I "see" what He is saying to me through mental images. I'm sure that there is a human element to all of that. How could there not be?
I think this dream could be a bit of both. It reveals a lot about how I've been feeling lately, at work, church and even within my tiger mt circle. Work feels very unsafe and dangerous to me right now....and yet I feel rather isolated from my "safe" people. People at church have their own families, their own lives to live. People from tiger mt are just moving on into new (or renewed) relationships as they find their true selves in recovery. I feel a bit excluded and forgotten. It's not anyone's fault....it's just a circumstance. As I get healthier, church friends don't feel the need to keep the same level of contact as before, because they aren't worried for my safety. At work, I feel the manipulation and more intentional exclusion. All of these situations suck, but they aren't necessarily bad.
Anyway. Here's the dream:
I was at a University. The classes looked like 12 step recovery meetings but they were loosely structured. I didn't know anyone, though I recognized a few people. There was confusion about the seating and I was slowly, over time, pushed out of the group. It seemed like a few people manipulated where I would sit and I allowed it. Eventually I found myself isolated and feeling alone.
There was a person there that had no gender, yet was also a man and a woman. (don't know how to explain that, really). I experienced this person as both genders at different points in the dream. This person took charge of the seating situation and set a chair out for me and invited me to sit next to him. He sat close, with an arm around me, holding me close. I felt safe and protected, but was also shocked because I couldn't imagine anyone would want to be that close to me much less feel protective like that.
I looked at the person again and saw a woman. She told me I had pretty hair. I physically pulled back in absolute shock. (my hair is probably the thing I hate the most about my appearance)
The meeting/class ended right as a storm was starting. It started hailing and the man invited me into his car. At this time, I saw him as two separate men, but he was still just one spirit...only two bodies. We took shelter in his car and watched the hail get bigger and bigger. I was scared but I still felt protected. When the hail started to get big enough to break the windows, the man pulled the car underneath the shelter of the building entrance. I cringed as I watched my car being destroyed by the hail. The man told me not to worry, "we'll get you a new one."
When the hail stopped I got out of the car and realized I was barefoot. In all of the chaos, I had been thrashing around in the car and had lost my shoes. I reached for them and realized that they each had just half a sole and were beyond worn out. I said to myself, "I can't wear these!" I put them on anyway because I had nothing else. As I started to walk toward my ruined car, wearing my ruined shoes....I thought, "this is gonna suck."