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Monday, March 6, 2017

My head has been in a super dark place since Friday night.  I'm feeling hopeless.  Not that I'm hopeless....but that my situation is, my life is.  My life has no meaning.  I struggle to see how I'm worth anything to anyone.

I'm not suicidal, yet last night I was thinking about it.  Wishing for it.  I'm back in the place of thinking that if death presents an opportunity, I wouldn't avoid it.  I don't want to kill myself though.  I'm not to a desperate enough point for that.  I haven't told anyone about this because I don't want to worry anyone and I don't want anyone to overreact.  I have no plan, these are just thoughts.  This is just my current darkness and I'm trying to feel my way out of it.

Last night I found myself asking God (and later, google) to give me a reason to live.  Remind me again, why does any of this matter?  Google lead me to a website.  It was beautifully worded...and exactly what I needed to hear.


Feelings are not facts, nor do they last forever.  Suicide would only transfer my pain to the people that I love, it wouldn't fix it.  It might end it....but death would rob me of enjoying the lack of emotional pain.  It would also rob me of a life that could get better.  So for now, I'll get up every morning and just take this one day at a time.  Eventually the sadness will give way to something else.  It will not always be this intense.

The website suggested a new hobby.  I mean, why not?  I should.  But what?  Why not make a bucket list of (realistic) things that I want to do before I die...and actually DO them?  The site also suggested reaching out.  I don't necessarily need to explain what's going on in order for friends or family to help.  Human connection alone can pull my face away from the pit long enough to provide a small amount of relief.

While driving home from work it occurred to me that I could make a pros and cons list for both life and death.  Morbid?  Kinda.  

For right now, I'm concentrating on breathing and reminding myself that in a few weeks I will probably not feel the way that I do now.

2 comments:

  1. I'm not sure if it's exactly what you're experiencing, but this reminded me of the difference between my passive suicidal ideation and my actively suicidal times.

    Both situations have similar elements... Depression hijacks my brain and fills me "dark logic" as we call it here. Suddenly death seems like a reasonable solution. Leaving the world seems like a favor to my family and friends. When I'm healthy, when I'm well, there's no way I'd buy that. The disease is a slippery beast though.

    Thankfully I haven't been actively suicidal very often. It's such a different experience and a lot scarier. I remember being on a tall bridge, my husband driving me to a treatment in Seattle, and so desperately wanting to yank the parking break, leap outta the car and jump off that bridge. I cried when we had passed the opportunity and admitted to my husband what I had felt.

    When I'm passively suicidal the thoughts are plaguing and frequent. It haunts me yet I don't feel quite compelled to go through with it-I don't feel the impulsive, scary drive to take any chance at ending it all.

    It's scary. It's difficult. It's temporary. You are strong. You have reasons to live even if this disease has convinced you otherwise at the moment.

    I care. I want you here. You are worth keeping around.

    Keep fighting. Keep trying. Each day is an achievement, whether in remission or recovery.

    <3

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  2. I can relate to that feeling of not being actively suicidal, yet not avoiding death if the opportunity presented itself. I refer to it as being passively suicidal.

    I hope you're feeling a bit better now. That website looks really interesting. I'll have to read through it later (and probably make a bookmark of it).

    Lots of love <3
    xxxx

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