My head has been in a super dark place since Friday night. I'm feeling hopeless. Not that I'm hopeless....but that my situation is, my life is. My life has no meaning. I struggle to see how I'm worth anything to anyone.
I'm not suicidal, yet last night I was thinking about it. Wishing for it. I'm back in the place of thinking that if death presents an opportunity, I wouldn't avoid it. I don't want to kill myself though. I'm not to a desperate enough point for that. I haven't told anyone about this because I don't want to worry anyone and I don't want anyone to overreact. I have no plan, these are just thoughts. This is just my current darkness and I'm trying to feel my way out of it.
Last night I found myself asking God (and later, google) to give me a reason to live. Remind me again, why does any of this matter? Google lead me to a website. It was beautifully worded...and exactly what I needed to hear.
Feelings are not facts, nor do they last forever. Suicide would only transfer my pain to the people that I love, it wouldn't fix it. It might end it....but death would rob me of enjoying the lack of emotional pain. It would also rob me of a life that could get better. So for now, I'll get up every morning and just take this one day at a time. Eventually the sadness will give way to something else. It will not always be this intense.
The website suggested a new hobby. I mean, why not? I should. But what? Why not make a bucket list of (realistic) things that I want to do before I die...and actually DO them? The site also suggested reaching out. I don't necessarily need to explain what's going on in order for friends or family to help. Human connection alone can pull my face away from the pit long enough to provide a small amount of relief.
While driving home from work it occurred to me that I could make a pros and cons list for both life and death. Morbid? Kinda.
For right now, I'm concentrating on breathing and reminding myself that in a few weeks I will probably not feel the way that I do now.