Monday, March 6, 2017

My head has been in a super dark place since Friday night.  I'm feeling hopeless.  Not that I'm hopeless....but that my situation is, my life is.  My life has no meaning.  I struggle to see how I'm worth anything to anyone.

I'm not suicidal, yet last night I was thinking about it.  Wishing for it.  I'm back in the place of thinking that if death presents an opportunity, I wouldn't avoid it.  I don't want to kill myself though.  I'm not to a desperate enough point for that.  I haven't told anyone about this because I don't want to worry anyone and I don't want anyone to overreact.  I have no plan, these are just thoughts.  This is just my current darkness and I'm trying to feel my way out of it.

Last night I found myself asking God (and later, google) to give me a reason to live.  Remind me again, why does any of this matter?  Google lead me to a website.  It was beautifully worded...and exactly what I needed to hear.

Feelings are not facts, nor do they last forever.  Suicide would only transfer my pain to the people that I love, it wouldn't fix it.  It might end it....but death would rob me of enjoying the lack of emotional pain.  It would also rob me of a life that could get better.  So for now, I'll get up every morning and just take this one day at a time.  Eventually the sadness will give way to something else.  It will not always be this intense.

The website suggested a new hobby.  I mean, why not?  I should.  But what?  Why not make a bucket list of (realistic) things that I want to do before I die...and actually DO them?  The site also suggested reaching out.  I don't necessarily need to explain what's going on in order for friends or family to help.  Human connection alone can pull my face away from the pit long enough to provide a small amount of relief.

While driving home from work it occurred to me that I could make a pros and cons list for both life and death.  Morbid?  Kinda.  

For right now, I'm concentrating on breathing and reminding myself that in a few weeks I will probably not feel the way that I do now.