Sorry for the radio silence lately....I just haven't felt up to writing a whole lot. I still don't, but for some reason I'm feeling the tug tonight, so I'm rolling with it.
I used to write more often when I was struggling, but now it seems to be the opposite. I'm not sure why the flip in writing habits. I don't want to disappoint anyone, or trigger anyone. With that said....I'm not doing so great. At the moment I'm okay, but the last month or so I have been anything and everything BUT okay. I'm scaring the people I love. That never used to bother me!
I started drinking again, which lead to a really horrific cutting episode. I woke up one morning and my bathroom was a war-zone (spiritually and physically). I've been hiding the drinking...stashing bottles under my bathroom sink. Usually I purge under the guise of taking a shower or a bath, so lately I've been purging while the water runs, then soaking in the tub while I get drunk. Drinking on a freshly purged stomach is a bad idea. I need to read up on the science of that and find out why it makes me feel so horrible.
God is not letting me sit very easily in this relapse. I've had a couple of conversations lately that have made me think hard. A good friend from tiger mt told me that she's been thinking about the circumstances that lead me to tiger mt....and she's concerned that I don't have another one of those in me. Meaning, the next time I do something like that, I may not survive it. That was tough to hear.
So, what happened?!
Life? Stress? I don't know. I'm just starting to face some difficult realities in therapy. My sister is not doing well. My family is needing me and I'm feeling unable to be what/who they need me to be. Work is filled with drama. And....holidays are coming up. *cringe*
For awhile, I was crumbling beneath the weight of all this. I'm overwhelmed, heartbroken, terrified...but I'm slowly seeing a glimmer of hope. This hope doesn't look like I expected. My problems are not solved, my situation is certainly not any better. My home life still sucks. The hope is coming from something that I'm not sure I can understand, much less explain. I don't want to throw out churchy christianese answers. The reality though, is that God is mixed up in this hope business.