Is this just me "doing what I do" though? Minimizing? Downplaying? I am quite the master of these things...
I think the one thing that might actually make me a little sad is the fact that I will never have the type of dad who is safe. As long as he is alive, I will have to be careful around him. It's necessary for me to protect myself both physically and emotionally. He can cross boundaries in so many ways. It shouldn't be that way between a parent and a child. I've never been able to just throw myself into my daddy's arms...I've never felt a protective hug from him, and I never will. Even conversations are not safe. I have to constantly be on guard that I don't say the wrong thing or say too much....or open doors for subjects that a father and daughter should never talk about. I will never be able to trust his advice, or lean on him for strength and support when I'm struggling.
I think I've been holding back on expressing some of this stuff because I don't want to suddenly come up empty. I've spent my whole life surviving the lack of a safe father....I don't want to end up attempting to fill the void with something unhealthy, or worse yet...run to my dad, hoping that things will be different. It's easier to live without these things when I'm convinced that I never needed them in the first place. Does that even make sense?
Even just writing this little bit...makes my heart ache. Why not call my dad? Give him a chance? Share more of my life with him, agree to a weekend visit....aaaaand cue all of the unrealistic-little-girl-disney-story wishes. *sigh*