Wednesday, September 7, 2016

why grieve?

A thought crossed my mind today.  "What, exactly, do I need to grieve?"  Why bother feeling sad or angry over the things I went through as a kid?  It feels a little like I'm playing a victim and throwing my parents under the bus.  I should be grateful, not angry.  If anything, I'm pissed at the circumstances I grew up with, not the people.  I understand why things happened the way they did and I realize that many things were beyond my control.  I also feel like....things weren't that bad.  There are others who have suffered far worse.

Is this just me "doing what I do" though?  Minimizing?  Downplaying?  I am quite the master of these things...

I think the one thing that might actually make me a little sad is the fact that I will never have the type of dad who is safe.  As long as he is alive, I will have to be careful around him.  It's necessary for me to protect myself both physically and emotionally.  He can cross boundaries in so many ways.  It shouldn't be that way between a parent and a child.  I've never been able to just throw myself into my daddy's arms...I've never felt a protective hug from him, and I never will.  Even conversations are not safe.  I have to constantly be on guard that I don't say the wrong thing or say too much....or open doors for subjects that a father and daughter should never talk about.  I will never be able to trust his advice, or lean on him for strength and support when I'm struggling.  

I think I've been holding back on expressing some of this stuff because I don't want to suddenly come up empty.  I've spent my whole life surviving the lack of a safe father....I don't want to end up attempting to fill the void with something unhealthy, or worse to my dad, hoping that things will be different.  It's easier to live without these things when I'm convinced that I never needed them in the first place.  Does that even make sense?

Even just writing this little bit...makes my heart ache.  Why not call my dad?  Give him a chance?  Share more of my life with him, agree to a weekend visit....aaaaand cue all of the unrealistic-little-girl-disney-story wishes.  *sigh*


  1. You make a lot of sense. Just keep writing what you feel, write what is in your heart, and what is in your mind, whatever is troubling you, or whatever thoughts come to you. I think it sounds as if you are thinking about a lot of things at the moment, trying to make sense of events, of your feelings and of your emotions. I find that writing is the best way to do this because I'm terrible at talking. Writing sort of makes things clearer in your mind, then you can learn to make sense of things, accept things, and then begin to move on. I'm always here to listen and support. Take care and I hope things begin to make more sense to you soon. Xoxo

  2. My dad and I had a very weird, well, coexistence, I suppose. He wanted to toughen me up as a child but instead his torment turned me into a broken shell filled with anxiety. Then he died.

    What I'm trying to say is that we can't make our fathers into the fathers we want or need. And sometimes you just have to walk away.