I'm in such a fabulous mood. No reason for it, really. ha! Work really sucks right now, none of my issues have gone away, family drama is still happening....and yet, things are actually okay right now.
I didn't purge today. At all!! Not even once! Nada! Considering my track record lately...that's pretty amazing. I'd like to say that this lack of purging was on purpose, but it wasn't. Circumstances, the Universe, whatever....LIFE just seemed to get in the way of me purging. My lunch break at work has been a big down-fall lately. I went back to seeking peace and solace and getting away from coworkers...and that has morphed into isolating and attempting to relieve stress through crappy fast food. This morning I absent-mindedly grabbed a container of raw carrots to take with me. So for lunch, even though I most certainly did NOT want to be eating carrots for lunch, I took my damn carrots, drove PAST the fast food place, and parked my car under a tree in the park...and actually had a dose of healthy solitude rather than sickness fueled isolation. I didn't just eat carrots though. I'd forgotten that I had some Lara Bars stashed in my purse for "emergency" food situations. Score! I've found my new favorite safe food!! Holy crap these things are delicious! The ingredient list is safe...nothing weird in it. Despite the calorie punch, I feel good about keeping these things in and not purging. :) Junk food is just so easy to purge, psychologically.
My body now hates me!!! Raw carrots and a Lara Bar for lunch, another Lara Bar and a crap-ton of romaine and spinach with salsa for dinner...and my stomach is wondering what the heck I'm doing. I don't know if this is bulimia bloat since my body had gotten used to purging again, or if I've over-done it with the fiber.
I hate to say it, but I think a good percentage of purging relapses (for me) are actually brought on by the physical discomfort of eating somewhat normally. My stomach is so bloated right now, you'd think this was a food baby brought on by a huge binge. Nope! Ugh. *ow* I'm hoping this goes away soon. I've been reading up a little on digestive and nutritional issues that are specific to bulimics....in a weird way, it's giving me some hope and making me excited to do some healthy things for myself.