Tonight I spent almost an hour sitting on the floor in my husband's music room. I tried to make conversation and he just wasn't having it. He zoned out in front of his computer reading the news and surfing through Crag's List. No radio. No guitar (which he very rarely doesn't have in his hands). The only sound was him chewing ice....and me occasionally asking a question or making a statement. The more time that passed, the more cracked my heart became. *sigh* Dramatic, I know. But dammit, I'm so tired of feeling like this.
Me: You wanna take the dogs for a walk?
Me: Maybe a bike ride around the block?
Him: *shakes head*
Me: Let's watch a movie!
Him: *wrinkles face*
Me: I'm bored.
Me: So what are you doing?
Him: *motions toward computer*
So I get up and go to my computer room. I suddenly remember that the new Bourne movie is playing in theatres, so I wander back into his room and ask if he wants to go see it with me on Friday night. After visibly cringing, he says "I won't say no, yet."
At the moment, he's in there playing guitar and watching tv. Still crunching ice. I don't know how much more of this I can take. My head is spinning, trying to find some way for us to connect. This snapshot of tonight is how the last 5 years of my marriage have been. He is so uninterested in me in just about every way possible. It's not uncommon for us to go a week without ANY physical contact at all.
I worry that I'm repulsive. Annoying. I'm concerned that it's my physical appearance. Or worse yet...that my soul is actually unattractive.
I realize that loneliness is easily cured by going out and doing something. I'm an introvert and a home-body. Going out all the time wears me out. I want to be at home!! Yet, home is so cold suffocating.