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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

heartbroken lonliness

Sometimes I think that physical pain, even death, is more appealing than loneliness.  In some cases (possibly mine included) loneliness IS a physical pain.  

Tonight I spent almost an hour sitting on the floor in my husband's music room.  I tried to make conversation and he just wasn't having it.  He zoned out in front of his computer reading the news and surfing through Crag's List.  No radio.  No guitar (which he very rarely doesn't have in his hands).  The only sound was him chewing ice....and me occasionally asking a question or making a statement.  The more time that passed, the more cracked my heart became.  *sigh*  Dramatic, I know.  But dammit, I'm so tired of feeling like this. 

Me:  You wanna take the dogs for a walk?
Him: No.
Me:  Maybe a bike ride around the block?
Him: *shakes head*
Me: Let's watch a movie!
Him: *wrinkles face*
Me: I'm bored.
Him: .....(crickets)
Me: So what are you doing?
Him: *motions toward computer*

So I get up and go to my computer room.  I suddenly remember that the new Bourne movie is playing in theatres, so I wander back into his room and ask if he wants to go see it with me on Friday night.  After visibly cringing, he says "I won't say no, yet."

At the moment, he's in there playing guitar and watching tv.  Still crunching ice.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  My head is spinning, trying to find some way for us to connect.  This snapshot of tonight is how the last 5 years of my marriage have been.  He is so uninterested in me in just about every way possible.  It's not uncommon for us to go a week without ANY physical contact at all.  

I worry that I'm repulsive.  Annoying.  I'm concerned that it's my physical appearance.  Or worse yet...that my soul is actually unattractive.

I realize that loneliness is easily cured by going out and doing something.  I'm an introvert and a home-body.  Going out all the time wears me out.  I want to be at home!!  Yet, home is so cold suffocating.


Thursday, August 18, 2016

I woke up feeling like I need to fix something.  Today is a new day, a fresh start....but this feeling isn't a good feeling.  There is a very desperate twist to it.  It's a wide-eyed panic over something that happened last night.  At first, I don't remember...and then I do....and I cringe.  My heart starts to hurt.  Not my heart, but my heart.  This is all so difficult to explain.  For years I've had this feeling.  It doesn't happen every morning, but it happens often.  Sometimes alcohol or benadryl will prevent it.  The idea of purging can sometimes fix it, the act of purging will sometimes numb it.

In reality, nothing happened last night.  I watched a documentary on netflix, then went to bed.  I feel like I ate too much yesterday.  I feel big today.  Out of control physically, and confused emotionally.  I keep catching myself saying in my head, "I can't eat today!!" and it's a desperate thing....as though eating will ruin everything and not eating will give me a fighting chance at undoing this mysterious thing that I feel as though I've done.

I almost don't want to say it....but....cutting is on my mind.  Again.  I see myself doing it.  Sometimes I see it so vividly I start to feel it.

It's obvious that the main root behind my addiction is abuse.  I need to find my voice, come to terms with what happened to me.  I get too caught up in the facts and the logic of the situation....and end up ignoring the emotional side of myself that was so traumatized.  I minimize the pain because I don't think the level of trauma I experienced matches up to the actual events that happened.

Okay, I really need to get to work.  I'm on day 6 of no alcohol, no benadryl and no purging.  Yay me!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

still kicking....mostly

I'm still here!!  This last week has been incredibly tough in so many ways.  Long story short:....I've been in Kansas (5 hours away from home) at my sister's house.  She had a double mastectomy on Wednesday.  My parents were there.  The whole ordeal was a bit traumatizing, and not in ways that I had even predicted.

I ended up alone at my sister's house Friday night.  I needed some space and there was a household to-do list a mile long that I hadn't touched, my niece needed some time to go be a teenager and was at the mall with a friend.  I was rearranging the fridge and found a jar of homemade moonshine.  I drank just a little and put it back....but remembered it in the back of my mind.  I was looking for a book to bring to the hospital because my sister was bored, and I came across something that triggered some major stuff.  It was a bible story book that my dad read to me on sunday afternoons.  I can't go into detail at the moment because I don't want to bring up anything ugly....but the situation while he was reading to me was rarely appropriate for a little girl to experience.

I didn't look at the book.  Didn't touch it.  I was curious though.  I have vivid memories of the pictures, the way the paragraphs are arranged on some of the pages, the way the book smells....and all of this reminds me of things about sunday afternoons.  The food my mom and sister would be cooking, the white fold-over lacy socks I would be wearing.  I tried to ignore the book and get through my list of chores.  Every time I passed the fridge I drank a little more moonshine.  An hour later and I'm drunk.  I want more but don't want to risk my sister noticing it's totally gone, so I take some benadryl.

I've been dealing with some serious self-hatred and minimizing.  I told a few people what happened and it concerns me that they are so concerned.  I hate that it happened.  I don't know why I can't just stop doing shit like this!

I'm going to make a valiant effort to completely abstain from all three addictions.  Alcohol, benadryl and purging.  If I can't hack it....then I'll consider the fact that I might need more help.

So.  August 13th is my new (real) sobriety date.  I can't really consider the date in December that I was using before....I always felt fake over that anyway since I was still abusing benadryl and occasionally drinking Zquil to get drunk.

I'm on day 2.  Go me.

OH....I had some pretty fabulous success in the food area while I was in Kansas though.  Navigating a hospital cafeteria with an ED is not a simple feat.  I managed it.  Purging could have been easy and painless, but I avoided it.  I even conquered pizza.  NO LIE!!  For real!!!  I did!!!  I ate two small pieces, then paced the hallways and texted a friend.  My hands were shaking and I was sweating bullets, but after about half an hour I was okay.  :)

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

so far, so good!

I know it's only day two, but you know what?  I feel good.  Mentally, physically, spiritually...well, mostly.  Let's put it this way, I feel hopeful.  That's a rare thing for me.  I'm not often very positive when it comes to my own junk.

I woke up feeling a bit anxious.  I know why.  As soon as I breathed in the summer morning air....I was reminded of summer.  Summer as a young teenager.  And church camp.  I don't know whether to shudder or smile over that.  I have mixed feelings about my history with christianity right now.  The words "quiet time" were rolling around in my head while I drove to work.  That's one of those Christianese words that tends to give me the heebie jeebies.  For the most part, I can see past that and appreciate what a "quiet time" actually is. 

I have an assignment from Chris.  Pick a passage in one of the gospels (he recommended Mark), and ask God to show me His character in what I read.  I was SO gung-ho on this idea, even though the gospels are a section of the Bible that I typically avoid.  I planned to do this last night and well...the benedryl kicked in before I had truly wrapped my head around it all.  I did read something though.  I blindly flipped to a page...and ended up reading the first part of chapter 6 in Mark.  The words meant nothing and made no sense as I was reading them (thank you, benadryl), so I'm going to put more thought into this and do this for real either tonight or tomorrow.

The whole idea left a bit of residue in my mind though....this is so very close to the one thing that I desperately want to avoid.  Becoming who I used to be.  A christiany type of christian who obeys all the rules, reads her bible and prays diligently...a "godly" christian woman who devotes a 20 minute chunk of every morning to a god she doesn't even like.  *sigh*