I came home with a determination to stop taking diphenhydramine (in any form). I don't need it to sleep. I think sometimes I get in this mindset that I need to be barely able to hold my eyes open in order to go to bed. Simply drifting off is somehow not good enough in my eyes.
My ED is ugly at the moment and I'm frustrated. I'm tired of the mind games. It feels like that's where things always start. I eat healthy for awhile and it starts to feel tedious. I over think it, I start to worry that I'm eating too much. I justify eating smaller amounts and eventually whittle things down to skipping meals. Then....going without food makes me insane. I get hungry and I want to celebrate, I want to enjoy food again, I want to....be satisfied. So I start purging.
The benadryl shuts off the ED mind games. It makes it so that I can zone out and not care, about food, work, my marriage....but I think it's rooted with my ED. Evening is always my toughest time with food. I feel like I would be so successful if I could just get through an evening without eating something...and I would wake up feeling good, small, powerful. *side note...why do small and powerful go hand in hand for me?! That's not very logical.
I have absolutely no idea how to get a handle on the ED mind games. It feels very impossible. I'm not fighting that part of my addiction very well today. I am fighting the substance part though. It feels like "not enough" but at the moment it's what I've got.