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Tuesday, May 31, 2016

long day

Today has been weird.  The second I stepped outside my house this morning I was hit with....something.  I don't know how to describe it.  I want to call it flashbacks simply because I have no idea what it really was.  Everything about today has felt very familiar.  The weather, the smells, the lighting outside.  I have this really slimy gross feeling, and nothing to attach it to.  It makes no sense!  This afternoon at work, the feeling of dread and hopelessness started to get a little overwhelming.  I just wanted to be done.  I'm not necessarily suicidal, but I would be lying if I said the idea hadn't crossed my mind a few times today.

I planned to b/p on my lunch break and changed my mind at the last minute.  A friend from Tiger Mt that I don't often hear from texted me out of the blue.  I got a salad, sat in the park and ate....and prayed that God would either take away this slimy feeling, or help me know what to do with it.

The slimy, familiar feeling only got worse.  I was doing everything I could think of to shake it.  It was like a really awful version of deja vu.  A coworker made cupcakes for my husband's birthday.  I left work with four of them....

That's where it all went down hill.  I was actually scrounging for food in my car.  A bag of croutons I'd saved (hoarded) from my salad at lunch, a package of crackers I found in my glove box.  Then....when I got home I made a giant bowl of oatmeal topped with an absurd amount of melted peanut butter....followed by leftover spaghetti.  And now my stomach is growling.  What the hell!?  I'm always so shocked when I get hungry after a b/p.  The weird familiar feeling is gone though, thankfully.

All day I keep thinking about the public pool in my hometown.  I don't want to assume, or jump to conclusions....but my gut is telling me that something happened there.  I kept hearing the echo of my own voice in the building, smelled the chlorine, felt the water on my skin.  SO flipping weird!

I really did try to manage today without any ED behavior.  

I was really bothered by something a friend told me today.  She saw me sitting in my car at the park during lunch and texted me.... "Okay, I know something isn't right with you.  What do we have to do to get you back on track?"  I texted her back and told her I was doing okay at the moment, was texting a recovery friend and ate a salad.  She then went on to criticize my recovery efforts.  She kept pushing her opinion with me and I kept defending myself.  She was really NOT helping me with the b/p desire.

*sigh*

I hope tomorrow is better. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

about yesterday...and grounding

Yesterday ended well.  I have to admit, I'm a tiny bit proud of myself for pushing through and not ultimately giving in to ANY urge to self harm, be it via cutting or purging...both things (for me) are methods of self harm.  Sensory grounding is good for me, but it doesn't always work.  I was planning to go to church last night, debated over it since I was in the midst of a funk.  Church is sometimes a wild card when it comes to whether or not it will help.  There have been times that I've come away feeling connected, loved and stable.  Other times I've sat upstairs and played with the notions in my head.

Instead of church, I opted to take my bike to the river.  That seemed like my safest option.  Church was only going to delay the self harm and I thought a bike ride might change my desire entirely.  Happy hormones for my brain, plus a safe place to think and work through the thoughts that landed me in the lap of self harm in the first place.  And time.  I told myself that if I still wanted to self harm after riding my bike, then so be it.  So off to the river I went...No music.  No bike computer to track mileage or speed.  Just me and my sweet Raleigh Capri.  It occurred to me that I've become so comfortable on a bike that riding is just as natural as walking.

While I rode, I asked God to show me what was going on with the thoughts I was having.  I got nothing, really.  I had a vague sense that there is some resentment I need to deal with, and a LOT of body awkwardness....and maybe the feeling of being exposed?  I dunno.  It's all very jumbled still, but I believe that as I'm ready, things will come out and start to make sense.

****
We interrupt this blog for.....basketball?!
****

Yep.  That's right.  Basket-fucking-ball.  I was in the middle of writing this post when my husband walked in and asked if I wanted to go "shoot hoops" with him at the court down the street.  HA!  You see, this is so out of character for us.  Basketball has never been a thing for us, even individually.   While I was away at Tiger Mt though, Kyle started playing.  I still can't quite picture it...48 year old metal-head guy wearing torn jeans and classic vans....playing basketball?  I was torn when he asked me.  I'm so awkward!!  He pushed.  Told me there was no pressure.  Play for five minutes and if it isn't any fun, then we'll come home.  My mind was whirring and almost on the brink of wide-eyed panic.  On the outside I was calm though and said..okay, let's do it!  Secretly I'm hoping that since it's a holiday, the court will be occupied.  THANK GOD I was right.  hahaha!!!  I was saved from the awkward exposure of doing something athletic in public.  I kind of want to buy roses and chocolates for the group of kids that were playing.  :)  Currently, my husband is attempting to set up a basketball goal that he bought while I was gone.  It's regulation size.  I have no idea how he's gonna make this work, but I'm not going to interfere.  I'm a bit amused (and pleased) that he's doing this.

In the meantime....me and my bike are headed out.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

flashbacks?

I think I'm having flashbacks.  I'm not sure.  I'm in a weird place right now, mentally.  I'm doing my best to get grounded...and stay in the moment enough to find out what's really happening.  Closed all the blinds, turned on all the lights, cranked the AC, lit a strong scented candle....and I'm going to write whatever comes to my mind.

**major trigger warning for self harm**

At the risk of sounding absolutely batshit crazy....here goes:

About two hours ago I started having weird sensory things happen.  I was watching tv and suddenly felt like I wanted to purge...something was in me, something dirty and vile, and I wanted it out.  Then it shifted to a self harm urge.  I was sitting on my couch, almost entranced....seeing my arm, feeling the blood rolling across my skin, both hot...and cold.  Feeling the drag of the blade...I could smell the metal and smell the blood.  I tried to pull my head out of the imagery and asked God what this was all about.  Where is this coming from?
I smell chlorine, and I smell summer heat...scratchy, parched grass.  I hear grasshoppers and I can actually HEAR the heat.  Weird, right?  Summer heat so thick, it's difficult to breathe.  The chlorine smell comes from my swim suit.  Suddenly I see all of the swim suits I had....from kid to teenager.  Each one holds memories.  The colors, the textures.  Ugh!  I remember where I was when I was wearing them.  I can smell the water that I was in....lake water, city pool water....water from the sprinkler in my yard.

The heat makes me want to scream.

I see myself doing just that.  My vision spins upward, I look down...dizzy....and see a very small, yet adult version of me....on my knees in a heap, screaming into the dirt.  Breathing in dust, breathing out blood.  I scream until I have no air left in my lungs.

These smells and temperatures are driving me nuts.

God....what IS this??  Am I being tormented, or are these sensations attached to something real?

I can smell wine.  White wine, specifically.  I can taste it too.  Is this a craving in response to something painful that I'd rather avoid?  Probably.

I remember being a teenager...the beautiful freedom that came from owning a car.  I remember sitting in the thick summer heat, in one of the stalls at Sonic...eating tater tots.

My nerves are so fucking raw and buzzing right now!  I hate this stuff.  Seems to always happen on Sundays too.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

baby-steppin' through today

I'm trying really hard to get back on track, back into some healthy habits today.  Even if it's just for today, even if it isn't necessarily perfect.  I just finished lunch with a couple of coworker friends.  I've bailed on them every day this week and every day they text me and encourage me to be safe and smart.  :)  They know that one of the signs I'm falling into old behavior is isolating...and one of the ways that I do that is running away to be alone during lunch.  I'm lucky to have such amazing people cheering me on.  I hate that I don't listen to them more often.

I feel like I need to sit down and think hard about the last few weeks and what's working and what isn't, as far as recovery goes. 

I think part of this needs to be limiting my contact with family.  Just now, coworkers were asking me if I did okay last night and I told them I purged, but didn't really think anything triggered me.  I wasn't feeling triggered.  Sometimes it's a physical feeling.  I just plain feel too big, too much.  I'm hungry and want to eat, so in order to satisfy both the need to feel empty and small AND the need to eat...I'll just eat dinner and get rid of it.  BUT...while telling my friends about my day yesterday, they noticed something.  I called my mom on my way home from work.  Is it just a coincidence?  I don't have any emotion or thoughts tied to this, but it does seem that more often than not, I'll b/p soon after talking to my family.

I wish it wasn't like that.  I don't know what to do about it, how to fix it.  My parents would be crushed if they knew the effect their conversations sometimes had on me.  Again....I'm not even positive that's a trigger.

I'm ready for the long weekend.  If I get myself back into a healthy routine, I'll be able to put some serious miles on my bike!  Riding is probably my number one reason to focus on getting better with not purging.  Even just one evening of ugliness, can result in muscle cramps and fatigue to the extent that riding is just too difficult.

SO.  I should make a plan for tonight.  Best plan would be to have a salad, drink a crap-ton of water, and maybe go for a short run or short bike ride.  Do something fun, and do something productive...and then go to bed early. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

what is happening?!

I'm a bit of a raw and nervous mess today.  I feel weird just writing about all of this, but I think I need to. I've sat in front of my computer off and on all day today, trying to write and make sense of some things....and words just aren't there.  So weird for me.  Ha!

Lately I've felt a sense of responsibility to not talk so much when I'm not doing well because I don't want to trigger anyone, nor do I want to bother anyone.  I can't seem to stay quiet about it though!  Why??!!  Every time I purge I end up blabbing about it, whether I want to or not.  What is that all about?  I don't want attention, in fact I cringe when I think about the attention it might bring.  It's embarrassing.

Yesterday was an intense day.  The second I got home from work I started what would turn out to be a really horrible binge/purge session.  I don't even remember what triggered it.  I was pretty manic too, grazing through the kitchen while cooking.  Two hours later, after the third round I found myself wandering aimlessly around my house and peeking out the blinds.  I don't even know why!!   I felt really out of control.  In my pre-tiger mountain days, I would get drunk to try and control the panic.

I reached out for help and felt a lot more stable after that.  Then I get on facebook and see people posting that a tornado was on the ground and headed for Dodge City, the town I grew up in.  I messaged back and forth with two friends and a cousin while it was happening.

I felt SO guilty after that.  People I know were in danger and I was stuffing my face and puking myself silly.  I texted back and forth with my mom, sister and a couple of cousins...discussing damage and just checking to see if everyone was okay.  Not long after that, I b/p'd AGAIN.  This time, my husband was home.  He had no idea whether or not I had eaten earlier while he was gone, so it was easy to justify eating something again.

The trigger for the last round seems obvious.  Storm anxiety, plus a lot of contact with family.  Although I wasn't thinking about that at the time.  I guess that's the point.  The last time I did it though, it was more of a self harm thing.  I was very aware of the desperation and pain behind what I was doing.  Is it weird to be aware of that?

Today was....somewhat better.  I still purged tonight, even though I planned not to.  I really need to give my body a break from this.  It's starting to wear on me again and I can really feel it.  I'm torn over why I'm still doing this.

Anyway.  I know I have a lot of crap in my head that needs to come out....but I'm really not doing a great job of expressing what's really there.  So....for now I'm going to go to bed.

Monday, May 23, 2016

my heart is full...

Today was a good day.  I feel weird saying that because there were some things about my day that were a bit ugly.  I seem to be a big ball of contradictions lately.

It was a long day at work.  I had an inner debate over breakfast today and opted to skip.  WHY do I do that when I know what it leads to?!  Skipping meals sets me up for getting too hungry, which sends me reeling and spinning into the abyss of bulimia.  I brought lunch to work with me, but halfway through the morning I decided I would get fast food for lunch and "do my thing" and then say nothing about it.  HA!  Divine intervention happened and I needed to go home to let the dogs out on my lunch break.  :)  So I had just enough time to eat something fast and healthy....and no time to purge.

After work I picked up a friend to go have coffee.  She's a tiger mt sister, so she knows and loves all my weirdness and she speaks my language.  I'm lucky to have so many church and work friends who love me so unconditionally and are committed to supporting me.  I'm finding though, that recovery friends are essential, even if our stories are different.  It did my heart good to see her face to face.

I've been battling some serious jaw pain today.  I don't know if it's bulimia related or not.  In a way, I'm kind of hoping that it IS, because maybe that means it will go away.  Jaw pain and purging usually go hand in hand for me. Purging so much last week is catching up to me now.  Sunday (yesterday) was really difficult with mind games over food.  I got mega triggered, but I asked for help...in a very messy way.  Ha!  I'm really not good at that.  It usually starts with vague texting to test the waters and eventually I work up to a "loud" confession text, or if I'm desperate....I'll actually make a phone call.  I need to get better at the phone calls because those seem to help the most. Anyway, I didn't purge yesterday!!  I'm really proud of myself for that because the cards were a bit stacked against me.  5 months ago, a day like yesterday would have resulted in several days of a binge/purge cycle.

Today?  Hmm.  Uh.  Ummm.  I did.  I don't even know why.  I had a good day.  Nothing triggering happened.  I just decided that I wasn't in the mood to battle the ED head games, and I wanted to feel empty tomorrow morning.  I ate dinner knowing that I would be getting rid of it.  I hate that I do this.  I also hate that it's so satisfying.  I had some much needed reminders of what bulimia hell can be though.  Sore throat, jaw pain, and that stupidly cliche Russel's sign is back.  And hunger.  Horrifying, annoying hunger.  I don't know why this bothers me so much.  Feeling hungry 20 minutes after purging a ridiculous amount of food always has a way of messing with my mind and trapping me in a cycle.

It's prolly tmi but....I hate the moment just before I start purging.  When I have to take a few deep breaths, and give myself a pep talk just to get started.  Halfway through, I was exhausted and sat on the edge of the tub with my face on the toilet seat.  Gross, right?  What person in their right mind would EVER be comfortable putting their face in the same place where other people put their asses?  It was a low and shameful moment.

Tomorrow is a new day!  Every day is a fight.  I can't fathom fighting the war right now, so I'll just pick a battle.  Despite choosing to not even fight the food/purge battle tonight, I count today as a success.  I felt connected to both God and to people.

On that note....I'm SO grateful for all of the comments and e-mails from everyone.  Even if I don't respond, please know that I appreciate them.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

little brother fears

I went to church today.  It's been SO long since I've attended a morning service, without being an atheist.  Attending church as an atheist was no big deal.  I didn't feel bad being there, even though I didn't agree with it.  Now that I can't really call myself an atheist anymore, I'm awkward in church again.  *sigh*  This is complicated and difficult to explain, so I'm not going to try.  I'm just going to ramble for a little bit.

I've been struggling hard to find where I fit in church.  In MY church.  I feel so out of place.  This isn't a new feeling for me, it's something I felt years before my atheist phase.

Today they talked about the prodigal son.  The two brothers...and their father.  The younger brother is rebellious, irreligious...and far from God.  The older brother is obedient, religious....and also far from God.

This morning the thought occurred to me that I'm a younger brother trying to fit into my big brother's pants.  I feel uncomfortable in church NOT because a bunch of older brothers are trying to make me conform, but because I recognize my own younger brother tendencies and I'm trying to make myself conform to what I think I should be.  I'm both jealous and annoyed at people who are able to live in a way that is pleasing to God.  Yet....just because people are in church regularly and going through all of the right motions...doesn't mean they are close to God.

The idea of needing to please God honestly makes me want to scream until my throat bleeds.  Just the thought exhausts me.  I know that this is what the gospel is truly about though.  Jesus is our redemption, not our own attempts at good behavior.

I end up placing so much judgement on myself.  I have the two brothers at war in my head.  The younger brother snapped under the pressure many years ago....and ran.  Ran hard.  Now, I'm back and wondering if this party truly is for me.  I'm terrified that all of these big brothers are going to look down on me, or worse yet...turn me into one of them.  How judgmental of me though, to even think that.  *sigh*

I realize I'm being cryptic.  I'm just draining the thoughts in my head and I don't have the mental energy to explain thoroughly.  I don't know how to move past this, or if I even need to.  Maybe the tension I'm feeling is actually a good sign?  I struggle to connect with typical bible-belt style believers.  I cringe when the christianese starts to get too thick.  Like, I need to throw an F-bomb into the conversation to keep things civil and safe in my head.  Ha!!

I wonder if I will ever feel at home in a church again.  Why do I shame myself for something that isn't what God wants in the first place?  It isn't God that I'm afraid of.  It isn't God that I'm thinking I should perform well for.  It's the big brothers.  It's the big brother in the back of my head.

So I guess I'll continue to show up to church (occasionally, but not regularly), and sit on the floor in the back of the room.  The Father meets BOTH brothers at the party.  He wants both sons and He meets both the religious and the irreligious right where they are.  That's the thing about this story that strikes me.  The Father goes to each son!  HE goes to THEM.  He RUNS to meet his youngest son who has come home, and he leaves the crowd to seek out his oldest son to meet him in his struggle too.

That was kinda my prayer this morning....that God would meet me right where I'm at.  Right now, I'm the little brother staying away from my own party out of fear.  Unfounded fear....but fear, nonetheless.


Saturday, May 21, 2016

doing better....(I think?)

Hooray for Saturday!  This week has been nuts.  I really needed a day to relax and quiet my mind and my heart.  I'm sitting in my favorite room with the window open, a candle burning...and my dogs.  Brady just sighed and his cheeks fluttered.  HA!  I love his sweet flappy cheeks.  I woke up early (perks of sobriety) and Kyle is still in bed, so my house is super quiet and peaceful.  I've been thinking all morning...hashing back through everything that has happened over the last couple of weeks.  The dreams, the chaos of getting stuck in a purge cycle again, the desperate attempt to mute everything via restricting...

I was unusually sad yesterday.  I'm not entirely sure why.  It was tough to shake off.  After work I went to the river for a bike ride.  Normally I don't listen to music when I ride because I want to hear what's happening around me, and I'm content with the quiet.  Yesterday I listened to music though and it was incredibly, beautifully numbing.  I was intensely focused and pushed myself harder than normal.  I like that the music drowned out the sound of my own breathing.  Sometimes I can be weird about that.

I've never been one to have music playing for no reason.  If I'm listening to something, it's an involved sort of thing, never a background noise.  I'm old school.  When I buy an album (yes, album) I hole myself up in my room and listen to it from beginning to end, looking at the artwork and reading the lyrics.....appreciating every aspect of what I'm hearing and seeing.  Feeling it.  Noticing the details of song placement, fonts and punctuation...

I listened to a Shinedown album on my phone while I was riding yesterday.  One of the songs brought back a flood of memories from about a year ago.  The song was "I Dare You."  I can't even explain the amount of emotion I feel in this song!!  It became special to me while I was going through a major crisis of belief....stepping away from Atheism and searching for God's voice and presence in my life, my mind.  I felt like God was inviting me to ask questions....daring me to ask Him anything!  Ask for dreams.  Ask for proof.  Ask for...love.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Argh!  I suck.  I've been holding back on writing lately, I'm not entirely sure why.  I'm gonna go ahead and throw a trigger warning on this though (for purging related stuff and abuse issues).  I need to vent a little and I'm too ashamed to go directly to anyone, so I'll just make it public.


I'm feeling a bit self-loathey right now, but not for the right reasons.  Not because I did something I shouldn't....but because I did it and KNEW what I was doing and chose to do it even still.

At least I learned something.  So here's what happened:

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary.  We decided to go out to eat at our favorite restaurant.  I used to purge a LOT at this place.  Well, not there...but at home afterward.  I was in a great mood all day, had a smooth time at work, ate small for breakfast and lunch, but still ate something.  I planned ahead and decided to order something vegetarian.  I'd like to say that I'm vegetarian for ethical or health reasons...but I'm not.  I'm vegetarian because that limits my food options and gives me an excuse to not eat as much in social settings.  Devious?  Absolutely.  Meat is sometimes a trigger for purging though, so maybe for now it is technically for my own good if I stick to vegetarian options.

Eating out is always nerve-wracking for me.  I've come a long way though!  I used to struggle to eat in front of other people at all, so it's a pretty cool thing that I'm even able to handle a restaurant situation.  Before, I would purge my food any time I wasn't able to get out of eating in front of other people.

I ordered veggie enchiladas, no rice or beans.  What do they bring me?  A veggie quesadilla with what seems to be EXTRA rice and beans.  O_o  Whatever.  I take it anyway, no biggie.  I was still feeling ok by this time, only a tiny bit "wide-eyed."  It was weirding me out a little that there were three servers and a kitchen guy all lined up on the wall outside the kitchen, just watching the room (ie: watching ME)  I scooted over so my husband was blocking their view of me and I didn't feel so weird.

Kyle and I start talking about work.  He kicked off the conversation by telling me that he has no choice but to look for a job.  All of a sudden I'm a heartbroken, crying little girl on the inside...but I put on the stable and caring wife face and do my best to listen and ask questions.  I won't go into detail about the job issues.  This is a pattern for him though and I only recently realized this.  He goes through phases with his job.  Every few months he'll come home convinced that he's getting fired, or convinced that he has to get another job immediately.

The rough part about this?  It's actually a huge trigger for me.  It didn't dawn on me until I was in the middle of purging. Ha!  That's right, I actually think about things when I'm purging, it's not just a mindless, tear-filled event.  I don't ever cry when I purge, unless I'm drunk, and even then.....okay, that's off topic.  During the conversation I felt a little twinge of something.  Panic maybe?  I'm not entirely sure what I was feeling.  It was a red flag though.  I ate normally.  Didn't go crazy with the amount even though they gave me way more than I ordered.

I got home and BOOM, immediately decided to purge.  It was exhilarating.  That moment is actually a bit of a feel-good moment.  I get excited and happy.  This only happens when I choose to purge though...when it's a conscious decision that I want to do....not something that I'm doing because I feel as though I have no other option.  It's hard to explain.  Purging out of guilt is a totally different thing in my mind, and I hate it.

So I tell Kyle that I'm freezing cold and I'm gonna take a shower to warm up.  I run the water and puke my guts out and it's wonderful!  I didn't drink at all with dinner, so I'm thrilled that it's so easy.  This is SO wrong that I think this way!!!  Why am I proud of this???  Somebody punch me.  I get in the shower to clean up and flush my stomach out and make sure I got everything (bad, I know...deadly, yep I know that too).  When I'm done, I crank the water to near scalding heat and stand there and soak....and it hits me.  OH!  I know why that twinge of unknown feeling was bothering me during our conversation about work.  It's because I've felt it before.  It's a mixture of fear and helplessness....of responsibility.

I used to feel this with my dad as a little girl when he would talk to me about his job and all of his related worries.  He would come to my room and I wasn't always certain what would happen.  Over the years I got pretty good at reading him and predicting what he was wanting, but I was far from perfect at it.  I could hear it in the way he breathed, I could see it in the way he held his shoulders.  I could even smell it!!  I know it's crazy, but he smelled differently when he'd had a stressful day at work than when he was just busy and working hard.

Sometimes I would manipulate the situation depending on what I was in the mood to deal with.  Occasionally, if I was just not mentally up for counseling him, I could convince him to go for something physical instead.  As I got older though, my body issues increased and I opted more often to keep him talking.  I hated these conversations.  I never knew what to say.  They left me filled with worry about our finances, our future, etc.  I hated that my dad was upset.  I hated how his boss and coworkers treated him with such disrespect.  I hated that nobody liked him....it broke my heart!  I felt helpless.  He always seemed to feel better after talking to me, but these conversations left me dying on the inside.  These conversations were just as difficult for me as a 7 year old as they were as a 17 year old.

I feel gross (and a little dumb) for this but....the conversation with my husband put me right back in that place.  This is wrong!!!!  My dad was putting me in the position of a wife, and that was difficult for me...I might even be willing to say that it was abusive.  BUT...I'm actually a wife now.  A wife to a man who needs me to listen, to support him, to offer advice.  I play my role as best I can and then run away and make myself throw up.

So that's the story.  I really don't even feel anything right now.  Writing this out was good, I think...but it put me in a weird place.  I'm kinda numb and just not feeling anything.....like I just wrote out a bunch of useless facts.  Simply a story, nothing more.  *sigh*


Monday, May 2, 2016

ramblings from an A-Z flake-meister

I'm notorious for starting things and not finishing them.  Ha!  I had every intention of throwing myself into the A-Z challenge.   Oh well.  Can I blame it on the fact that recovery comes first right now?  Surviving life got incredibly hard over the last several weeks.  It isn't any one thing, but a lot of things that have built up....and then almost toppled over when dad issues were thrown in the mix.  *sigh*  I don't really feel like going into detail at the moment.  I feel like it would just come out as whining and complaining anyway.

In other news....we have a new backyard fence!!!  Several years of social anxiety, depression and drunkenness mean that our house/yard has been very neglected.  Our old fence was held together by bungee cords and cinder blocks.  It's a miracle it was even still standing.  Yup.  We're those neighbors.  When we bought our house we had very few neighbors and lots of space between us.  Now, it seems we're a typical cookie cutter neighborhood with houses stacked together and postage stamp yards.  Great for property value, terrible for privacy.  I'm thrilled with our new fence now!  It's HUGE.  Now I can stand naked on my back porch in the mornings again.  LOL!  You think I'm kidding?  I'm not.  I have some pretty intense body issues, but not so much that I'm willing to forgo my nude coffee ritual on weekend mornings.  :)  I've done this since I was a kid...one of the few perks of being left home alone so often I guess.

ED mindset is seriously kicking my ass and hanging me out to dry lately.  I gained SO much ground while I was at Tiger Mt.  I plowed through a lot of food fears, even got to the root of a few of them.  I got comfortable eating around other people and got to where I was comfortable living in my own skin again.  Total freedom from ED mind games isn't something I've ever expected....so why am I so disappointed that I'm struggling again?

I'm muscling my way through.  My recovery isn't perfect, but I AM making progress.  My main focus is to completely stop purging.  I've only done it a handful of times since I've been home.  The next time I visit Tiger Mt I want to be able to say that I haven't purged at all since I last saw them.  ;)  Part of that is going to mean that I also work on not restricting.  Not eating enough leads to purging.  Every.  Single.  Time!  If I get too hungry, I'm at risk for binging which always leads to purging.  Restricting also wreaks havoc on my inner perfectionist and sometimes I'll feel so guilty over eating anything at all that I'll end up purging.  I'm not sure which purge motive sucks more.  It's such a delicate balance...finding a way to eat without all of the mind-fuckery that goes with it.

I might be a little beat up at the moment, but I'm certainly not done fighting.