I planned to b/p on my lunch break and changed my mind at the last minute. A friend from Tiger Mt that I don't often hear from texted me out of the blue. I got a salad, sat in the park and ate....and prayed that God would either take away this slimy feeling, or help me know what to do with it.
The slimy, familiar feeling only got worse. I was doing everything I could think of to shake it. It was like a really awful version of deja vu. A coworker made cupcakes for my husband's birthday. I left work with four of them....
That's where it all went down hill. I was actually scrounging for food in my car. A bag of croutons I'd saved (hoarded) from my salad at lunch, a package of crackers I found in my glove box. Then....when I got home I made a giant bowl of oatmeal topped with an absurd amount of melted peanut butter....followed by leftover spaghetti. And now my stomach is growling. What the hell!? I'm always so shocked when I get hungry after a b/p. The weird familiar feeling is gone though, thankfully.
All day I keep thinking about the public pool in my hometown. I don't want to assume, or jump to conclusions....but my gut is telling me that something happened there. I kept hearing the echo of my own voice in the building, smelled the chlorine, felt the water on my skin. SO flipping weird!
I really did try to manage today without any ED behavior.
I was really bothered by something a friend told me today. She saw me sitting in my car at the park during lunch and texted me.... "Okay, I know something isn't right with you. What do we have to do to get you back on track?" I texted her back and told her I was doing okay at the moment, was texting a recovery friend and ate a salad. She then went on to criticize my recovery efforts. She kept pushing her opinion with me and I kept defending myself. She was really NOT helping me with the b/p desire.
I hope tomorrow is better.