Monday, November 30, 2015


I'm kind of losing my shit right now.  I'm frustrated, getting impatient, and I'm bored.  And anxious!

I didn't hear back from the treatment place.  I was feeling weird for being so persistent earlier that I forced myself to sit and be patient for the return call this afternoon.  Now I regret it.  I wish I had called, just for my own peace of mind.  I'm thinking too hard.  Maybe the recent ice storm has thrown things into chaos there?   She told me that the number was a 24 hour line....somebody would always be there to answer.  I'd call now, but I might sound messed up because I took a few sleeping pills to both calm myself down and hopefully to...sleep.

I spent the morning surfing through mpa.  That's probably a bad idea for me right now.  I love the people there, and there used to be a bit of a recovery vibe.  It was a bit triggering though and by 1:00 I found myself sitting in the drive through line at Taco Bueno.  At least I stopped after two b/p sessions.

Ugh.  I don't even feel like explaining it all.  Let's just say that I sucked the wine out of the bag that was in the Franzia box (so glamorous) and my sinuses are burning because some Tabasco laced puke came out of my nose.

Kyle is catching attitude from coworkers who don't know what's going on.  The guys in his department are serious assholes and I hate the way they treat him.  He's telling me that he doesn't care anymore....that they could fire him tomorrow and he'd walk out of there happy.  I desperately want him to be happy but....right now, if he loses his job, then I'm not going to treatment.   Part of me is a bit angry at him....yet I also understand.  I work for the same company, but my experience with them has been radically different from his.  I could take a dump on the owner's desk and they still wouldn't fire me.  Every time I take a vacation, they end up giving me a raise.  It's odd.

Kyle has also said that I need to find my own way to the treatment center, if and when I go.  WTF?!   ARGH!  He's scared to take any more time off work....and he's trying to get back into the good graces of his coworkers who think he's been playing hooky this whole time.  So that throws another kink into the plan.  They told me on the phone that I'm not allowed to have a car there, so I can't drive myself.

I'm disappointed that he doesn't seem to want to be around me right now.  He's not acting angry or upset....just normal.  Sitting in his music room, in front of his computer, only making short bits of conversation.  I tell myself (like always) that he's probably mentally and relationally tired from work.  Yet....another part of me is sad because I'm about to go away for 3 months and I will have only limited phone contact.

I'm going to miss my dogs.  This afternoon, when I didn't have my head buried in the toilet, I was snuggling with them on the couch.  I think that might be the most difficult part of this....I hate leaving them for any length of time.  Then again, my addiction has gotten to a life or death level.  I'm not saying that to be dramatic, but....well....I almost died last week.

*sigh*  Okay.  Enough thinking.  I can't believe I'm even able to type coherent sentences right now.  I'm going to bed so I can be up early to call this place tomorrow.

I'm in!! (I think)

So I just got off the phone with a lady at a treatment center.  That was THE most difficult phone call I've ever made.  My voice was shaking.  She was easy to talk to though, she told me to be honest, she was a recovered addict and nothing I said was gonna shock her.  :)

I might have downplayed my ED a bit.  I told her I have a history of an eating disorder and that it tends to rear it's ugly head whenever I'm not drinking.  O_o

They have immediate availability....we just have to work out details with insurance.  She is going to call me back this afternoon with details.

HOLY CRAP I'M SO NERVOUS!!!!  I can't believe I'm actually doing this.  I honestly have no idea what to expect, or even what to pack.  UGH.  My clothes are all so pathetic.  I always get self conscious about that when I go places.  I never feel right in my clothes.  Hell, I don't feel right in my own skin.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Treatment hunting...

I hate to admit that I've been wavering a little on treatment.  Do I really need it?  What will happen to Kyle while I'm gone?  What will happen when I come back???

Inpatient?  Outpatient?  Or should I just find a counselor who specializes in eating disorders and alcoholism?

Tomorrow I'm calling a place.  It's a ranch, for women only.  It's an hour and a half from where I live.  Their website says they treat "dual diagnoses" and they recommend 90 days.  It seems intense.  Individual counseling, group classes, plus....equine therapy.  Squee!  I'm familiar with horses, but never without my sister.  She was always the one in control.  When animals are involved, I prefer them to weigh less than I do.  :)  This place primarily treats drug and alcohol addiction.  I won't be watched after meals and I can make my own food choices.

Part of me reeeeally wants for THIS to be the place that I go.  I don't have the energy to look elsewhere.  They are close, they seem like they could work for me.  I would not lose my personal freedom like I would in a hospital psych setting.  I need structure, desperately.  Meals right now with my husband....they are always optional and never scheduled.  That is a really bad thing for me, I overthink it when there is no structure.  I need for food to be put back into a "non-optional" place, but I still want to have freedom to make my own choices.  I believe that I can make good choices in the right setting, especially if I have the chance to process what is going through my head at the time.  Sometimes.....overthinking the food is what sends me into a tailspin.  It's better to just let a sandwich be a sandwich....sounds silly, I know.

If any of you are the praying type....please pray for guidance in this.  I'm in a low place and so is my husband.  Decisions are difficult and I'm finding I don't have much energy for this.  I want to be selfish and ask God to just do it for me....lay out the path and let the chips fall into place.  I just want to blink and be THERE so I can just deal with all of this shit already.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

I'm still here....(home)

This post might be a bit choppy.  I'm typing with a bum left hand still...forces me to be less wordy.

Treatment options are....I don't even know.  I'm discouraged.  I've not had the oomph to make any phone calls and I've only researched a few places.  My husband called one place to ask for a mental evaluation to see if I qualified for their 28 day program, and they told him that if I didn't need medical detox, then they wouldn't even assess me.  *sigh*  So apparently I'm not sick enough.  Fuck you mental health system!!  My counselor and friends are urging me to keep pursuing inpatient.

My husband is on the bandwagon for outpatient....where I spend the day at the hospital and come home at night.  At first I was disappointed in that option, but now I'm thinking it might be the best one.  I don't qualify for inpatient alcohol treatment, but I'm semi-sure I would qualify if my ED was added to the info.  Somehow that info has slipped through the cracks....and I'm a tiny bit...happy?  Yikes.  I keep addiction at a time!!  Besides....I don't relish the idea of not going to the bathroom alone.

Also, with outpatient...I might find some much needed food structure.  Routine has always helped me when trying to get away from the clutches of my ED.  I would have the opportunity to inwardly work through the fear of eating with people, and I would have a consistent meal plan.  Obviously, it would be up to me to actually USE this opportunity to fight against my ED.

I must admit that my mind is also whirring with ideas of how I can use this to lose weight, get back to restricting again.  BUT...I might also be learning coping skills to avoid alcohol that can bleed over into helping me avoid ED behavior also.

Kyle and I both are overwhelmed by just looking for a place.  He told me yesterday morning that he was going to also quit drinking.  *happy dance*  Last night he attempted to drink all of the alcohol left in the house...which scared me a little.  He ended up going to bed early....after a very tearful speech to me about promising to do what he can to help me...and how he thinks quitting is how to do that. He's right.  I can't imagine a day program working for me if I just come home to watch him get drunk every night.  Last night was almost unbearable...watching him get shit-faced, and then being wide awake at 8:30 when he went to bed.  I struggled to fill the time and numb the loneliness.  I ended up taking a couple OTC sleep aids....and an hour later a third dose, for the buzz and to knock myself out.

Treatment seemed like such a fabulous idea, you know?  I'm terrified it's just a pipe dream though.  I think it's necessary for me to have some time away from daily triggers though, just to break a few cycles.

Today (Thanksgiving) has been difficult.  Kyle held true to his word of not drinking.  He's very much focused on himself today, as he probably should be.  Food however....UGH.  Fucking food.  He ate lunch.  Around 3:30 I gave in to hunger and instead of cooking the few thanksgiving traditional foods that I had bought....I decided to make a run for Chinese takeout.  I drove for 45 minutes in the pouring rain, to three different places....all were closed.  I kept praying...telling God that I felt really out of control and hopeless, unfix-able.  

I decided I may as well cook anyway.  It KILLS me to cook real meals for myself when Kyle isn't going to eat.  I feel guilty and undeserving.  I about had a breakdown while peeling potatoes.....why should I put all of this work into food that is only for me?  Why bother making something I like?  I didn't go crazy with amounts.  I baked some chicken, made stuffing and mashed potatoes.  I felt guilty over how starchy my meal was...and that I was eating alone.  I ended up feeding my chicken to the dogs (because it was actually terrible) and then purging the rest.  *sigh*

I'm having alcohol cravings.  Mostly from loneliness and boredom.  Kyle said he's bored too.  Every time I suggest something to do, he turns it down.  He's content to sit alone in front of his computer and watch youtube videos....and think about how bored he is?  Blogging is my current attempt at breaking boredom.  

I feel like I'm just barely hanging onto my sanity.  You wouldn't know it by looking at me.

Time for a beginning dose of sleeping pills so I can survive this stupid fucking holiday evening alone.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

trip to the ER

I had a horrifying scare last night.  Or, husband did.  He came home from work and found me in the backyard, completely cold and unresponsive.  He thought I was dead.  He called 911.....which means a fire truck and police both show up.  The police went through my texts on my phone and saw I was talking about suicide.  He said at one point there were 12 people in my house, and I was laying on the ground hooked up to all sorts of machines.  I woke up in the ambulance, saw the IV bag and started fighting them because I HAD to know how many calories was in it.  Yep....almost died and all I care about is if my IV had calories.  I hit my head so they did a ct scan and x rays of my neck.  I had a very traumatizing catheter experience.  I remember panicking and not knowing what they were doing to me.

I'm in a mega-ton of pain today.  Literally everything hurts.  My chest is bruised, the sticker things they put on me left burn/rash marks, my left hand is so messed up I can barely do anything with it.  I have massive bruises on my shoulders from when I fell, and a gash on my forehead.

My husband is looking for a treatment place.  He is primarily looking for an alcohol place though.  I feel like I need both.  If I'm not drinking, then I'm engulfed in my ED.  I have no idea what all he knows about my ED.  He ended up knowing much more than I realized about me cutting.

So.  If I disappear from my blog for awhile....

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Thanksgiving panic *take two*

I've spent entirely too much time on the phone talking to family today.  BAH!  I love them, but they can trigger a lot of crazy emotion. 

Normally I'm able to hide the fact that I'm not happy and uncomfortable and awkward around them.  I've always been able to "fake" it and make them think everything is perfectly fine.  This year?  Not happening.  Everything I'm feeling is coming out all sideways and they are absolutely bewildered by it.  So far, I've cried on the phone to my mom and sister about how I don't know how to deal with the chaos, that I want it to all be perfect and for nobody to get their feelings hurt, for nothing to be awkward and difficult.....

I'm in all-out food panic.  I have ALWAYS hid this anxiety from my family.  They were aware of my ED when it first began, but they've never had any idea about what truly goes through my head or the lengths that I've gone to with certain behaviors.  As far as they're concerned, I had a little problem with "dieting too much" when I was 13.

I'm finding it hard to even hide my ED from them right now.....because the food panic is so very intense.  Because of my "weirdness" my sister and I have whittled the food plans down to her doing everything and me bringing a package of dinner rolls.  I feel so guilty for that.  She doesn't have the money to do all of this, and I feel bad she has to do all of the work, even if she says she doesn't mind it.

Tonight, I planned to go to the grocery store to find some frozen rolls to bake ahead of time.  I'm on the phone with my dad, the conversation is triggering, so I end up at the liquor store instead.  I'm still on the phone when I get home.....Kyle sees that I bought wine instead of rolls and he gives me a sweet smile and a knowing look.  I get off the phone, tell Kyle I'm going to the store (for real this time).  I spend half an hour agonizing over what to get....pausing to text with a friend and my cousin.  Then, no lie, while I'm standing in the bakery aisle, fighting back sister calls me.  GAH! 

She and I have been a bit estranged lately.  Normally we are very close, so I'm not quite sure what this distance has been all about.  She is the ONLY person in my life that can truly understand the dynamic between my dad and I.....because she lived it also.  She endured similar abuse and she truly understands his mental manipulations and the struggle to find what is normal and healthy as opposed to what we grew up with.  

I'm happy that she and I are talking again.  We might not always see eye to eye, but my sister has often been my rock.  

Ugh.  I'm a bit drunk right now.  I've been composing this post for probably 3 hours now....stopping to text my cousin and a friend....and drinking....and thinking.....

I hope Saturday goes well.  I truly do.  It scares me that I seem so incapable of hiding what's actually going on.  I don't know what to do if the truth comes out, you know?

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

tonight's dinner predicament

Planning meals one at a time seems to really be working for me!  Shock of all shocks!!!  It can be tedious not having the food on hand and going to the store for each meal (or going out *hangs head*)

Another thing that is working?  Setting a time delay for binge/purge desires.  This does NOT work for normal meal purges.....but it does work for preventing "planned" episodes.

Tonight I decided to make wheat pasta with spicy peanut sauce.  It's one of my favorite vegan dishes and I make it pretty often.  Vegan, even when high calorie, is almost always going to be a safe food for me.   I was pretty stoked when I realized I actually had all of the ingredients on hand and wouldn't need to go to the store.  :)

And then....I opened the cabinet to get my rice vinegar and BOOM the bottle fell out.  I tried to catch it, and dropped it.  DAMN!!!  So my dinner plans were dashed.  I cleaned up the mess, vented to my husband (who decided he wasn't hungry anyway) and cracked open a bottle of wine.  *sigh*

Apparently I don't deal well with changed plans, even when the plans are made on the fly.  I picked through the cabinet and decided to use a cheapo jar of alfredo sauce.  This was actually part of my "binge stash" and I bought it specifically for a planned binge/purge.  Using something from my binge stash was probably the first mistake.

I thought I'd be fine.  I made two servings of pasta...planned to pack one for dinner tomorrow.  I ended up eating both....and then purging.  At the moment, purging felt very necessary.  Now, I'm kind of mad at myself for giving in....yet also delighted that my stomach is empty and "clean."

Turns wine and alfredo isn't as disgusting of a combination as I expected.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

I will not give up!!! (I'm giving up)

I've always been a perfectionist by nature....yet I'm very forgiving with others and quick to encourage.  Why can't I allow this for myself?

I'm frustrated that my recovery (if that's even what this is called) is not looking very pretty or going very smoothly.  I tend to have this fantastic plan of what recovery and health should look like.  I make lists, plan meals, stock up on healthy groceries, look up new recipes to try, sometimes even cook ahead and package everything neatly in my fridge.  And then I fuck up ONCE and decide that it's all over, I'm done, can't do this!  I give up over one mistake.  A friend today was even quick to point out that what I perceive as a mistake, might not actually BE a mistake.

So.  For the sake of sharing (and because I'm obsessive and bored and this is ALL I can talk about).....

I woke up a little early and I put some chicken in the crock pot with some chipotle lime cooking sauce.  My plan for dinner was the chicken, with a side of canned corn (because that's all we have), and then I'd just wing it for whatever else I'd make to go with it....possibly rice.  I left for work feeling fabulous because dinner was planned!!

On the way to work I think about lunch.  I didn't pack anything, so I'd have to go out.  It's too much to think about, so I just push the thought away.  At work, things are stressful.  My supervisor and I are supposed to have weekly meetings to discuss issues and strategies. She kept getting pulled away and I just patiently waited for her to be free.  Our meetings almost always run long, so I was getting nervous as the time was clicking away and my lunch hour was coming up.  15 minutes before my lunch break, and I'm internally panicking and a bit angry.  I was worried that if I didn't leave on time, that I would.....I really have no idea.  I was upset and worried, but I have no actual outcome that I was trying to avoid.....I was just anxious because I couldn't go on time.  Urgh.  If things don't go as scheduled for my lunch break, I have the tendency to eat for comfort and feel guilty....and spiral down from there.

Thankfully she was graceful about agreeing to meet after lunch.  She's aware of my ED, but she struggles to understand it fully.  So....I left for lunch on time.  Woo!  And what do I do???  I get something "safe" but still unhealthy.  *sigh*  For some reason, chili with french fries is the safest guilty pleasure I have.  I won't feel overly guilty, but I will still feel like I've treated myself with comfort food.  To be honest?  I'm often embarrassed to admit that I eat fast food.  It seems shameful to me.  I went back to work and spent an hour hating myself and berating myself for this perceived "slip".  But.....WAS it a slip???  I didn't eat something super healthy, but it wasn't a binge and I didn't purge.  Well, technically.  I have a certain ritual with chili that makes it somewhat okay to consume. I'm really only eating the soup part of it.  Everything else I spit out.  Gross, but it works for me.

Tonight on my way home from work I talked to my sister on the phone about planning Thanksgiving food.  I was obviously stressing over it and that came out in the conversation.  She seemed to not understand why I was getting so upset and just kept telling me not to worry.  She was being very agreeable and I think it was probably just to appease me.  :(  I hate that I'm so crazy.

So.  Dinner!  Success!!!  Sort of?  I ate one tiny piece of chicken and some corn.  I didn't feel like making another side dish and my husband was content with just that.....

But....if I'm honest, I was a little bit "restricty" with it, in my mind.  The amount might have been something normal for somebody who had eaten a large lunch.....but in my MIND I was happy that I was controlling the amount to something small.  Does this even make sense?!  I don't know the difference between restricting and just eating a small dinner because I had a large lunch.

Nevertheless.  I'm proud of myself for not throwing in the towel after feeling like I overate for lunch.  Typically I would have given up.

I want to plan things one meal at a time, if possible...or at the very least, one day at a time.  As for tomorrow?  I have no idea what I'll do.  I'm thinking a half size salad from somewhere for lunch.  Dinner.....I think I'll just stop at the store on my way home and think of something balanced and healthy.

*sigh*  Can I just say.....recovery is hard.  Really hard.  I'm grateful for my support system, but I sometimes worry that what they think is actually incredibly difficult for me.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Thanksgiving plans (aka: stress!)

I'm feeling a bit unprepared for Thanksgiving this year.  Mentally, emotionally, physically.  The plan is that my husband and I will drive 2.5 hours to my parent's house, early Saturday morning and then we will leave that afternoon.  It will be a very short trip, but that's always best when it comes to my family.  My sister and niece will also be there.  I'm always excited to see my niece.  She's 16 and is probably the least drama oriented family member we have.  Poor kid.  lol

Mom is making a turkey and letting us kids figure out side dishes.  It's always such a pain to travel with food....but it's also a pain to cook things there.  Growing up Mennonite, you'd think we'd have this down already, but nope!  Holiday cooking is like mass chaos in my family.  It's very disorganized, nobody knows who will do what and everybody wants to help do everything.  It's beyond stressful.  I actually love to cook, but not when there are 4 cooks in the kitchen.  Every year I suggest going out to eat and offer to pay for everything.  My mom says that makes her "sad" and she wants to have the traditional home cooked meal with everybody helping out.  

I'm panicking over planning what to buy, what to cook, WHEN to cook, what to travel with, how it's all going to work out when we get there, what will we re-heat there, what will we just make when we get there.....ARGH!!!  It would be SO much easier if they would either be content to let me take over the kitchen, or content to take everybody out and pay. this part of my ED talking?  Needing to control the food, control the situation surrounding the food?  *sigh*

There is also a lot of tension surrounding my dad.  My history with him is....complicated, to say the least.  I'm pretty sure that he loves my husband more than he loves me.  It's like he gets hearts in his eyes whenever he finds out Kyle is coming along on a visit.  My dad stumbles around doing everything in his power to please Kyle and finally win his approval....when Kyle just wants to be left the fuck alone.  No lie, my dad will follow him to the bathroom and then stand there like a lost puppy when Kyle shuts the door in his face.  It's embarrassing.  Kyle is every bit as introverted as I my dad stresses him out, which then stresses me out.  Given the history of mental and sexual abuse from my'd think that I'd be happy he's more interested in being around my husband.  But...I'm not.  :(     (shit....what does that say about ME?!  Ugh.)

My family (with the exception of my niece) seems to always need entertainment.  My parents and sister are rarely content with just being in the same house, hanging out.  My dad is already trying to cram a week's worth of activities (with Kyle) into a four hour chunk of time.  He's been blowing up my phone with text messages asking me to ask Kyle about all of these activities.  So....does my dad even CARE that I'm also going to be there?!  

I'm also very nervous about what the weather will be like.  I need it to be cold outside.  My family has no idea about my history of cutting and I have some really nasty scars on my arms.  I'm not ready to answer questions yet.

I wish I could time-leap to next Sunday so all of this will be over with already.  The one good thing that always comes from family gatherings is hanging out with my niece.  That kid is SO very chill and fun to be around.  Even though she's my sister's daughter, she's my mini-me.  Since she was born, I've always retreated away with her during family gatherings.  Being alone seems to calm the both of us down.  Our favorite spot is a playground a few blocks from my parent's house.  When things get too chaotic, she and I will exchange a "look" and retreat to the playground to swing on the swingset in silence.  Geez, I love that kid.  lol  

I'm always curious about what other families do for Thanksgiving....what their traditions are, if it's a happy or stressful time....if their family is just as crazy to be around as mine is.

Monday, November 9, 2015

ugly weekend

I'm not sure which addiction is worse for me, alcohol, or food.  I started drinking at 8:00 in the morning on Sunday.  We have no real food in the house because Kyle and I both have been drunk so much lately that we just forget to shop for groceries.  He offered to walk (stumble) somewhere to get fast food.  I told him the only thing nearby that I wouldn't purge was subway.  WOOPS!  My ED isn't really a secret, but it's certainly not something that he and I really talk about.  I don't think he has the headspace to even understand it as an addiction. 5:00 we ran out of wine.  I switched to beer and started taking sleeping pills once an hour I think?  That was a terrible idea.  I remember nothing after 7:30.  This morning I woke up half naked in my bed.  Beer cans and wine bottles strewn everywhere in ALL rooms of the house.  The worst part?  My husband's music room was messed up.  Nothing was broken, thank goodness!  Guitars were laying on the floor, his space heater was knocked over, the playstation and tv were pushed around weird.  Neither one of us has any idea who did it.  We were both black-out drunk.  I felt so guilty though.  Something dangerous could really happen.  What if I had decided to cook and set the house on fire!?  

I'm considering AA, even though I'm not a big fan of the 12 step stuff and all of the slogans and chanting terrifies me that it's a creepy cult.  LOL!  It can't really hurt, right?  I'm at the point where something has to change.  9 days since my October challenge was finished, and I'm back to purging multiple times a day and binge drinking whenever possible.  

Health wise...I think I'm better.  The stomach pain I had last week has not happened again.  The only time I feel pain is when just starting a purge.  For some reason the first few lumps of food hurt my chest no matter how much water I drink.  This is total TMI but....I've noticed way more mucus coming out when I purge.  I know this is a common thing, but it seems unusual that the amount would change.  Maybe my organs are actually liquefying and I'm puking them out slowly?  HA!  Sordid joke.  I know.

On the way home from work I stopped at the store and bought a whole bunch of healthy stuff.  Mostly sandwich and salad things.  So....I'm gonna take a stab at a few healthy days and hope the next train wreck isn't as ugly as this one was.  *sigh*

Thursday, November 5, 2015

slippery slope...

Bulimia is SUCH a demented lover!  I've done things today that I'm ashamed of....yet also proud of.  How fucked up is that?!

5:15 a.m. - awake, one hour before my alarm goes off:  fuccckkkk.....I'm too hungover for this shit....can I even function for work?   *fumbles with alarm clock*  Oh.  One more hour.  ZZZzzz....snoozes, yet lays in bed dreaming about breakfast food......can't go back to sleep because....sausage!  omg.  sausage.

Breakfast: fast food.....sausage/egg/cheese muffin, plus hashbrowns and coffee.  While driving 60 mph, I chew/spit my entire breakfast into one of the empty cups I've been hoarding in my car.

Lunch break:  OMFG I'm so hungryyyy!!!!  I get fast food chili, side of french fries, and iced tea (for the cup, mostly....non-sugary drinks mean the cup is easier to keep for when I need it)  I frantically drive nearly 50 mph on city streets, desperate to get to my parking destination.  I dispose of the cup of chewed up breakfast food....and remind myself how disgusting this is.  Then, chew/spit all of the french fries.....then I.....sort of chew spit the chili?  I don't even know.  I spit out the mostly solid parts?  (while hating myself for this)   Dispose of the evidence, then drive back to work, chugging the un-sweet tea....and saving the cup for later use.  O_o

Starting at 1:00....I'm starving, DYING for chinese food, or ANY food.  I'm bullshitting with coworkers about food.....

Dinner......driving home from work, I call the husband and ask if he wants chinese food.  YES!!  I take his order.  Stop at the liquor store, buy wine, then walk next door to buy chinese food.  At food, sipping water, knowing I'll purge it.....annoyed by the husband who picks at his food and makes lots of conversation....

30 minutes later, I'm telling the husband I'm doing a hair mask and my nails....and take a shower, just so I can purge.  *sigh*  I forgot how easy chinese food was....

30 minutes after that.....cracking open some wine...


The end.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

42 days....

42 days.....

That's how long I lasted on my "no purge" stint.  :)  I'm pretty proud of myself.  

This has been a stressful week.  A lot is on my mind.  Today at work we were short-handed (as usual) and I had several co-workers who had no sense of urgency to get the work done.  I had no choice but to leave at my normal time today because my husband needed to do a quick camera job after work.  I was happy for the excuse to leave on time whether the work was finished or not.

Needless to say, I knew I was going to have the house to myself for about an hour and I've been really white-knuckling ED issues lately.  Five minutes into my drive home from work, I was giddy with excitement and planning a binge.  It wasn't going to be satisfying...just leftover cheap crap from my last binge stash.  The food quality didn't matter though, only the act.  *sigh*  So....I ate a package of ramen and a can of spaghettio's.  Not the most tasty food, and not really a binge by amount, but definitely "safe" and quick.  Sad to say, I feel pretty great now.  (yay purge high)  It wouldn't be an addiction if there wasn't something enjoyable about it, right?  

In retrospect, this might have been a dumb move.  I had a rather scary night last night.  I ate an early, normal sized dinner (baked sweet potato with toppings).  6 hours later, around midnight I woke up with horrifying stomach pain.  It came on very suddenly and would last in waves, every few minutes.  I was having cold sweats and I was terrified.  I haven't had pain this bad since I had the exploratory surgeries when I was 12 (long story).  I laid on my bathroom floor, debating on whether or not I needed to go to the emergency room.  This lasted for about an hour.  By the time I had convinced myself to wake Kyle up, the pain was starting to sub-side.  I went back to bed and focused on relaxing and eventually fell asleep.

I've had scary gut pains and issues before, even when I was only purging every couple of days.  What the hell am I thinking now???  I need to not start this again.  But...bulimia is a sickeningly sweet lover.  Ugh.  20 minutes after purging tonight I get a foot cramp....really?!  Is this even NORMAL??  I mean, I know that purging isn't normal, but it's frustrating to have issues.  I guess I assumed that after 42 days, I would be back to not having any ugly side effects.

I'm in an odd place, emotionally.  I was thinking on the way to work this morning (and actually crying) life is incredibly lonely.  I'm married, but we're more like roomates than anything.  I can't remember the last time my husband actually touched me other than in passing.  We talk....but it's rarely on a deep level.  I have friends, but I worry that I suffocate them.  I feel like I need constant conversation, so I'm always thinking twice before I text them (unless I'm drunk).  

I'm a little drunk now.  (drunk blogging....wheeee!!)  I really want to write about what's been going through my head on an emotional/relational level.  Tomorrow though.  Not right now.


Monday, November 2, 2015

oh Monday...

Mondays are usually bittersweet for me.  I hate to say that my weekends are often lonely.  That's partly my fault...and possibly also the fault of my vices.

Today was actually a somewhat decent food day.  Recovery is something I'm honestly starting to desire.  For October I gave up purging and I was successful!!!  I want to keep going though.  I'm feeling better, physically....the ED mind games are obviously still glaring and ugly, but it's easier to not give in to purging since I have a month under my belt.  One behavior at a time seems to be feasible.

Traditional treatment is just, not for me.  It's been heavily suggested to me lately, but I just can't see how it would actually work in a realistic way.  Treatment will never be effective unless I'm sold on the idea anyway, right?  I really want to give recovery a "go" on my own right now.  I've got this!!!  (right?!)

I can't seem to find a way to manage food.  Sometimes planning ahead works....and sometimes it sends me into a weird tailspin that results in me lying in bed drunk and starving for two days.

I eat a crazy amount of fast food.  *hangs head*  It's absurd and I'm ashamed of it.  Part of this, I think, results from how I grew up.  We were always poor, often we didn't know where our next meal would come from.  When we ate out, it was fast food, and it was a TREAT!!!  Even still, I had to pick through the menu and choose the cheapest possible item and my parents had to approve, based on the price.  Even once I was out on my own, had my own money.....I would still restrict my choices to the cheapest possible rather than what I actually desired.  I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing.

When I married Kyle, and started eating out with him.....ordering food was....odd.  I would panic and deliberate.  He would gently tell me to order whatever I wanted.  He knows my background and he has always pushed me to go for what I WANT, rather than what my parents would say is realistic.  When we have the means, he doesn't understand why I would default to the cheapest and forsake getting the thing I actually would like to have.  This goes beyond food too.

Anyway.  So now I've been married a few years....and I'm terrified that I'm in a NEW rut that is horribly destructive.  Kyle and I are not wealthy, but we manage our money wisely and we have enough wiggle room to not have to "think" when we order food at a restaurant.  At lunch break for work....I find myself just ordering whatever I want with no regard for finances OR health.  *PANIC*  .....and shame.  I should order healthy.  But.....the bulimic in me delights in the double cheeseburger with bacon, plus large fries.  The poor little girl who always got stuck with disgusting chicken nuggets and had to share a small order of fries and have water.....also delights in what I'm able to order now.  I can choose for myself!!  So why can't I choose healthy?  Why do I even DESIRE food like this?!  It's so....disgusting, and American.  *sigh*  But dammit, I LOVE it.  Ugh.  So, do you see the struggle?

I think that both marrying a financially stable guy, and bulimia have contributed to how I make my food choices.  I have no reason to choose healthy, or to just bring food from home.

So today?  I felt horribly guilty....but I was impulsive and got a cheeseburger and fries from Braums.  I had to do the chew and spit thing, sitting in a park, hanging my head out my car window.  *shudder*   However, I did empty out my drink cup and save it, just in case I might need it for future purging.  Tonight, I.....secretly ate a tortilla with cheese before Kyle got home.  Then, about halfway through a bottle of wine, I decide to "eat" a small bowl of leftover chili.

I wish I could be....perfect with food.  I wish I could be one of those health gurus that eats healthy 95 percent of the time and is able to treat themselves and still maintain control.  I wish I knew how to actually stick to an allotted number of calories and neither feel guilty OR deprived.

To be honest?  I would give just about anything to go back to the days when I was unaware of bulimia....when I was simply a restricter, too afraid to eat food because of the dollar amount or the calorie amount.  Bulimia and financially stable adulthood have destroyed both of those things for me.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

is this....hope?

I've had some thought provoking conversations lately...on MPA, via email or text with friends, and even a couple real life conversations.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad.  THIS, right now, is where, for many years, I've started over on this cycle of messy beliefs, messy relationships, and my ED.  Now, I can choose to leave everything behind, radically change what I believe, and lose myself in a life that exists only of my eating disorder for a few years.  Or I can choose to stick with this and move ahead, not chicken out.

I've been believing that life will forever look like this for me.  Every now and then I start to see some hope, then change and healing gets difficult, so I freak out and run, only to hit rock bottom again.

So I'm choosing to stick with this.  What will this look like?!  I have only recently become convinced that God exists.  I'm not completely sold on the idea that God looks like what modern Christianity says. (ie: Jesus is also God, salvation, resurrection, etc)

I know that I can't do this alone.  I need people.  And these people are also telling me that I need God.  I've known this for years.  Even as an Atheist, I think part of me still believed God was a real "thing."  Dreams are what I cling to.  Dreams and thoughts and sometimes experiences.  Could these things just be coincidence, or simply psychology.  Possibly!  But I don't care.  If this is what helps free my mind from the chains of my eating disorder, then so be it.  I'm not going to grapple over origination right now.  :)

Looking back over this past week.....

How did I suddenly land smack dab in the middle of my eating disorder again?  Not purging doesn't mean I'm cured.  The thoughts are still there, the lack of love for myself.

I don't know how to find the middle ground.  Obviously it isn't healthy to control every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.....but the alternative ends up with me gorging myself on anything and everything, feeling guilty and finding a way to purge it.  What does healing look like???  How does the middle ground between constant self gratification and restriction happen??

I have to find the red what point did my beliefs and thoughts trigger me into ED thoughts/behavior.  For me, I think that thoughts alone can actually be an ED behavior.  

Last Monday I spent several hours cooking and planning meals for my entire week.  Everything was healthy, portioned correctly, balanced, and packaged up.  No thinking required, no agonizing decisions over what to eat or even whether or not to eat.  And then BAM....I spend two days in bed consuming only carrots and chardonnay.  What the hell happened?

I think that controlling TOO much can set me up for failure also.  I don't know how to stop though.

How do normal people handle food?  Do they plan ahead?  How do they make their decisions?  I have non-eating disordered friends who are simply amazed at the amount of time I spend thinking about what I will or won't eat.  They can't imagine spending so much head space on this.  .......I can't imagine NOT.

So what now?  I have no idea.  I'm at a raw place...throwing myself into the space of a God that I don't fully understand and asking this God for help.  Dreams to help me understand, circumstances to guide me by example, and maybe even a redirection of thoughts.  Someday, I hope for my head to be filled with thoughts that don't involve food or my weight.