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Friday, October 30, 2015

bulimic wife rant

Eating with my husband makes me feel like such a fat-ass!!!  I know that I should be less sensitive about what he says and more sensitive to how he actually feels and what he needs as a human being....but dammit!  It is really difficult to be okay with myself when he is perfectly content with a little 1 cup serving of chili with a teaspoon of sour cream.  He's simply not that hungry...why should he eat more than he needs or wants?!

I'm really struggling to find normalcy right now.  I haven't given in to purging.  I don't know exactly how many days, but it's over 30 already.  Food is such a struggle though.  I've heavily restricted all week.  The last day that I had any food that wasn't a raw vegetable or fruit (or alcohol)...was Monday.  This morning at work I could barely think straight.  I "caved" and got a small bowl of chili with sour cream and cheese.  I just told myself I wouldn't eat for the rest of the day.

Of course there was a plethora of Halloween candy at work.  I don't ever take any for myself, but somebody put a little bag on my desk as a gift.  It was small....had a few pieces of chocolate and a few pieces of chewy candy.  I should have just given it away.  *sigh*  I ate all of the chocolate on the way home from work.  I'm guessing it was around 150-200 calories total....but still!!!  I feel guilty for it.

Then....I made a huge pot of chili for dinner.  It's cold and rainy here, and chili is for some reason, a really safe food for me.

I wish I could be normal.  I wish I didn't worry so much about this, or compare myself to my husband.  But dammit....I also wish that I weighed a lot less than I do.  It's starting to feel like this mind-game will never end.  Even if I can avoid the bad ED behaviors, I will likely never be free from the obsession and the guilt.

Monday, October 12, 2015

my challenge for October

I haven't written anything since July.  WOW!  I guess that shows how terrible the last three months have been.  I almost don't even know where to start right now....so much has been happening in my head and in my world.

Every October I give myself a personal challenge...it's sort of like my own weird version of the Catholic Lent.  I've been doing this for about 15 years.  The first few Octobers I gave up soda.  Eventually I stopped drinking soda altogether.  I've given up fast food, I've tried being a vegetarian for the month, and I've given up alcohol several times.  The focus is on the personal challenge.....I can do anything for a month, right?  This gives me a strange feeling of success that I normally don't have.  I get really serious about this.  Weird, I know.  :)

This year is the first year I've chosen to give up two things at the same time.  Drum roll please.....

Alcohol and purging.  *gasp*  Yes.  But only for a month!!  These two things go hand in hand.  If I'm not doing one, then I'm most likely going overboard with the other.  Most of the time, I'm doing both things.  Physically I'm exhausted.  My body needs a break from both of these things.  This is NOT recovery, I'm not 12-stepping it.  It's simple.  I won't consume alcohol or purge for the entire  month of October.  It doesn't matter how I do it or if I do anything in place of it, skip meals, cut, or take a crap-ton of sleeping pills.

This is hard.  It's quite possibly the most difficult October yet.  I actually chose to give up purging for the week before October, just to deal with the physical complications.  I was NOT prepared for how hard it would be to stop purging.  It isn't entirely mental, I'm convinced there is a physical component to this.  So far (according to google) everything I'm experiencing is normal.

I'm starting to feel good about doing this.  My reasons for doing both things have become glaringly obvious.  Both things are what I use to forgive and forget.  Knowing I can't purge has drastically changed the way I approach food.  Not drinking has....driven me fucking insane.  Ha!  No lie.  I've been cutting to compensate.  It's controlled though, since I'm sober when I do it.  I'm also taking anywhere from 4-5 over the counter sleeping pills every night.

Evenings and weekends are especially rough.  My husband has been drinking much more than normal, not sure what that's about.  It's not uncommon for him to be passed out asleep by 6:00 on a weekend.  That makes for an incredibly long (sober and lonely) evening for me.  Last night almost pushed me over the edge, I thought I was going to go mad with loneliness.  When I'm drunk, it's easy to reach out for help, to talk about the darkness in my head.  Sober?  Totally different story.  In a way, I almost feel like I'm in a much more dangerous place when I'm sober.  At least when I'm drunk, the madness can be blamed on a chemical.  Now that I'm sober, I'm faced with the reality of the darkness.

Anyway.  This is turning out to be much more depressing than I intended.  Guess I just needed to write something....just to get the ball rolling again.