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Thursday, July 16, 2015

Today is a hundred times better than yesterday.  I feel like I can at least think and relax.  I took off work again though, still not ready to face the world.  O_o

I think I did so much eating and purging yesterday that I have no desire for it today.  I think the grand total was 9 times?  I'm not normally a binge eater...most of the time I'll eat a normal amount and purge it.  Yesterday though I was really pushing the quantity of food to the point of stomach pain.  I just didn't care.  It's almost like I wanted something bad to happen.

Kyle had a bad night last night.  I think he was trying to not drink as much.  He told me he's been drinking less than 12 beers a day....which is a HUGE difference from the 24 or more that he normally drinks.  He got up a lot last night and this morning I noticed he had taken two sleeping pills and drank half a bottle of Nyquil.  He usually only does that when he's having dreams about his dad.

I'm actually considering the idea of cooking today.  I don't want it to turn ugly though.  I'm sore from yesterday.  My ribs and chest hurt.  My throat is raw, I'm pretty sure I nicked it with a fingernail.  The last time I purged it hurt really bad every time I touched a certain spot.  TMI, I know.

What I really want right now is salad.  I never feel guilty for it, and it's difficult and gross to purge.  Sadly....if I want salad I have to go to the store.  Even though I've been IN the shower several times....I haven't actually showered since Monday night.  I'm pretty gross right now.  It didn't stop me from going out for binge food yesterday though.  Ha!  OH the things bulimia will make you do.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Even though I wanted to be alone today....I hate that I'm alone.  (further proof that I'm insane)

I'm about to start round five.  At least it passes the time, right?  And I get to enjoy food that I shouldn't be eating.  I wonder how far I can really push this today.  If my gag reflex will crap out.  Earlier I was almost purging hands free....that's um, a new one for me.  How far can I push my physical body before something really bad happens?  I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'm definitely feeling reckless.  I honestly don't care if today is the day that my esophagus ruptures or my heart decides to stop beating.  I know this is depressing, and I sort of feel bad for blogging about my own boring insanity.  I'm shocked that people are even interested enough to read what I write....not that I consider this "writing."  Maybe I'll appreciate this, years later...that I've documented all of the darkness, the madness.  Not that I have much hope for this happening, but maybe I'll actually recover and be able to look back and see just how much I've been rescued from.

here we go again...

I think I'm certifiably insane.  I called in sick to work today, just so I could have 8 hours of freedom to do whatever I want.  I weighed myself this morning.  I'm at a new low number.  I haven't seen this number in probably 10 years.  I was strangely excited and almost decided against eating anything at all today.

I went to the grocery store for dog food.  I left with....binge food, of course.  What else would I do?  I stopped at burger king on the way home and got fast food breakfast.

So far today, I've eaten (and purged) two breakfast sandwiches, large order of hashbrowns, eleven blueberry muffins, half a gallon of chocolate milk, and two beers.  Why do I do this to myself?!  I feel so disgusting.  The muffins were a bad idea.  I stomach flushed twice and I'm still convinced at least half of them are still in me.  I'm exhausted.  I can't even enjoy the purge high because I'm too pissed at myself for the muffins.

They were a totally impulsive purchase and rather symbolic.  When I was a kid I always wanted them and my mom would never buy them, we didn't have enough money.  So I started stealing them.  Probably one tray a week or so.  I would rarely eat them.  I mostly just hid them under my bed and enjoyed the fact that they were there.  One day I came home from school and saw my muffin loot sitting on the kitchen table.  I was mortified.  I don't even remember how I explained it to my mom.  I only remember the near unbearable shame.

So yeah....it just seemed fitting to use muffins in my own personal torture today.  Also seems fitting that I discover they are nearly impossible to purge completely.

I'm telling myself that I'm stopping now.  It's 10:15 in the morning and I've spent nearly two hours eating and puking.  I'm exhausted.  Just give a me a few hours though.....I predict I'll be right back at it when I forget about the muffins and feel empty again.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

I suppose last weekend went better than normal. I still purged, but I didn't go as crazy as I have before. I feel weird this week, like I'm not even in the mood to go through the struggle of restricting, yet I'm doing it anyway. Why? Yesterday I caught myself saying that I wasn't going to allow myself to buy food this week. If I eat, it has to be something we already have in the house. It isn't so much a diet tactic as it is a tool for punishment. I hate the bulimic side of my eating disorder. I hate wasting food, wasting money. On the flip side I sometimes feel like food should not be wasted on me. It's that whole "deserve to eat" thing. 

I'm trying to not weigh myself so often. Last night, after three beers with vodka I stepped on and was shocked and saddened...and angry with myself. This morning the number was a little lower but still nowhere near where I want to be. 

I really don't want to go back to work. It's hotter than hell outside but it's at least better than working. Ha! I want to waste  my day thinking and just sitting. In reality, I know that wouldn't happen. I would only end up in a nasty purge fest. Sigh. 

Mkay. Back to work I go. 

Friday, July 10, 2015

haalllpppp!!!!

I'm hungry.  Dammit.  I don't want to purge tonight, but I don't want to have calories IN me either.  I hate this.  I hate that I think this way.  I took a sleeping pill and chugged a couple 55 calorie beers.  It's like I'm at war with my head.  I feel like I can't eat anything because it would be too much, yet I can completely justify eating something if I'm going to purge it, even if it means "losing" the sleeping pill....I will at least have the satisfaction of eating, without any of the guilt.

But do I have the energy?  Will it only lead to another weekend of all day/night eating and puking?  *sigh*

I wish I could stop, but I don't want to stop.  I'm even avoiding my normal stomping grounds on MPA because I don't want to be triggered to eat anything, yet I find the anorexia forum totally annoying.

I hate that I think like this....I hate that it takes up SO very much of my thought life.  I can't even focus on something so mindless as a computer game.

It would be too easy.  Kyle is already asleep.  He'd never hear a thing.  ARGH!!!!  I have a few friends who are available via texting, but I feel like I've been "too much" lately.  Too talkative, too needy, etc.

I'm not exactly doing this recovery thing very well.  :(

coffee with strangers

Today was an interesting day.  Work was awkward.  I planned to meet a good friend at a coffee shop.  I need to stay out of my typical Friday night ED routine...friends and conversation seem to aid that..  After I got there, she needed to bail.  We have this very special "flakiness is always allowed" agreement.  :)  Friends like this are like GOLD to an introvert.  Find them, and keep them!!!

I decided to work on some assignments Carol had given me and possibly write out a food plan and make a grocery list.  Instead, I ended up having a two hour conversation with the owner of the coffee shop.  My head is full right now.  (yet there still seems to be room for ED thoughts?!)

I'm incredibly introverted.  It is SO very unlike me to approach a stranger, much less make eye contact and speak.  Tonight, I was sitting on a couch drinking my coffee and reading a book and I had this sudden, overwhelming urge to go ask this guy what his "story" was.  I didn't have anything particular in mind, I just wanted to know what he would interpret as "story" and was curious about how he might respond.  I was unprepared for the onslaught of theology.  Ha!  I can't even begin to summarize what all we talked about.  He was obviously super smart and definitely an intellectual.  I don't often relate well to intellectuals because they're just over my head.

Some of the things he said made sense....like how the purpose of the resurrection was proof that Jesus was actually supernatural, the actual son of God.  He also said something about the validity and truth of the Bible....how if it were fiction, there wouldn't be so many incidental details....details that don't really seem to have a purpose.  TRUE stories tend to have details like that because they are what a person actually experienced.  The weird incidental details actually end up pointing to the idea that these might actually be actual experiences that people had.  I had never heard it explained like that.  I have the tendency to believe the majority of the Bible is bullshit.  I'm not saying I've changed my stance, but.....he made me think.

ED crap is seriously fighting for my head space right now though.

I'm stuck in a restrictive slump now.  I suppose that's healthier than purging 6 times a day, right?  I was afraid that this weekend would just be a repeat of every weekend over the last several months.  Not sure how much more my body can handle of that.

I still don't have a plan for the weekend.  I'm struggling to make one BECAUSE of the restrictive mindset I'm stuck in right now.  It's so much easier to transition from a binge/purge phase into a healthy, normal routine.  Right now, I'm struggling to justify calories.  The last few weeks I've done well at eating healthy during the weekdays....but now all of a sudden even that seems like entirely too much food for one person to consume.  I keep thinking I have room to lose a little, I look at my legs and think they're chunky.....a few weeks of eating next to nothing should fix that.

And the feeling is addictive.  UGH!  Just like the endorphins of purging can be addictive, there is something about being empty all the time that can be downright euphoric.  The one thing I hate about it is the absolute inability to think and concentrate.

So with that....I'm going to go play some mindless World of Warcraft.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

I saw Carol this morning.  It was....heavy.  We talked about finding structure at home, we also talked about co-dependency.  She told me a really intense story about her husband and how he came back to her and her family, and to God, a month before he died.  It was both heart melting and heart breaking all at once.  I was near tears the whole time and just felt punched in the gut with the beauty and the reality of grace and redemption.  I thought that Carol's willingness to let him come home was beautiful....and how their nightly conversations were so healing.

I drove back to work feeling this amazing sense of peace.  Friday nights are a HUGE trigger night for me.  She wants me to instead make plans to go to the grocery store and stock up on healthy stuff that I eat during the week, so that I have it around the house all weekend, and also so that I have something to do Friday night other than b/p.  I'm not entirely sure I won't just come home with a shit-ton of binge food too though.  Maybe I need to just find a friend to go have coffee with, then save the grocery shopping for saturday morning.

My day sort of went downhill after that though.  I packed a bag of triscuits to snack on since I would have to sacrifice my lunch break to see Carol.  I ended up eating just the broken ones (because that's all I deserve.)  That ACTUALLY went through my head and it sounded loud.  It's weird, my messed up reasoning is not normally so highlighted.

So I'm sitting here trying to talk myself into eating a salad for dinner....scrolling through facebook and realize....that a friend has blocked me.  This has been an odd and unhealthy friendship and I don't really feel like going into detail right now but....it really made me sad.  I hate to say that it has made any food decision even harder. I was actually hungry before, now I'm not even hungry.  This friend knows about my eating disorder and has seen how it has affected my work in the past.  I haven't told my boss why I'm gone for 3 hours every week for doctor appointments.  I know it's only a matter of time before they ask.  I'm terrified that she is going to somehow use this against me.  I'm angry with myself for ever trusting her.

I suspect she blocked me because I had to shut down a really triggering conversation the other day.  I've purposely tried to step back from the friendship, but she has persisted with conversation at work. Anyway.  She was bragging to me about how little she's been eating and that her doctor is now putting her on a nutrition shake.  This wasn't informational, it had a very competitive feel to it.  Then the next day she was describing to me, in detail, all of the food that she scored for lunch.  I could swear she's been reading the binge haul thread on MPA because that's what it looked and sounded like.  She wasn't simply telling me about her lunch, she was tempting me with her damned binge score and she kept asking me if I liked certain things, as though she was about to offer it to me.  It was incredibly awkward and I didn't know how to respond.  So I've had my "I'm too busy to talk" vibes shooting strong since then.  I suspect she just thinks I don't want to be friends.  I really have no idea.  I know it's better that we have less contact, but dammit I do NOT handle rejection well, even from people who don't genuinely care about me.  First, I had to deal with the rejection of her husband because he thought I was a bad influence on her.  Well, maybe I am?  She has never been ED'd before....so why is she suddenly seeming like she is now, or that she's trying to needle her way into my ED?  It's so confusing.

Okay, I'm officially tired of talking....and this is already long.  I'm gonna go curl up in bed with a movie and attempt to forget.  O_o

Monday, July 6, 2015

I feel like rambling.

Today, so far, has been a success.  It's becoming more and more clear what some of my triggers are.  Some are deeper than others, some come from emotions and others are purely ED related.

I hate to say this, but my husband's food habits and thoughts are really making it hard for me to stay on track.  Recovery seems a little impossible right now.  I'm struggling today, to find hope.  I want to beat this, but I feel like the cards are stacked against me.  I absolutely can't do this alone.  I find myself wishing that inpatient treatment was an option, simply so I could have a forced routine, and maybe take some of the excruciating thought process out of deciding what to eat.  I hold back because I'm still so desperately clinging to the idea of keeping this a secret from Kyle.  (although I really have no idea how he hasn't caught on by now, there are times that I'm too drunk to hide it)  I also worry (like every other ED person) that I'm not sick enough for that.  I look normal.  I loathe the fact that there is a weight stigma.  I'm not sure I could handle the "rejection" of a hospital saying I wasn't damaged enough to be a bulimic, and therefore didn't need treatment.  Urgh.

I desperately need routine right now!  I feel the need for a food plan too, but I get the feeling my dietitian (Carol) isn't a fan of those.  She wants ME to make the decisions, not her.  She is also adamant about never having forbidden foods.  Last week I think I did well because I planned ahead and left Kyle out of those plans.  I told him what I was doing every night for dinner and offered it to him, but left it at that.   This feel wrong, but I think it might be the healthiest for me right now.  We're married, we should eat together!  *sigh*  Maybe that's just a myth that I need to let go of.

So for the sake of perspective, here's my (messed up) version of normal on a week day:

Breakfast:
Husband either has nothing or drinks a "secret" beer while in the shower (he thinks I don't know)  
I drink coffee, eat nothing

Lunch:
Husband eats fast food
My routine varies, depending on where I'm at mentally.  Sometimes I restrict, sometimes I get fast food and purge, lately I've been bringing my lunch.  I can't eat around people, so I have to eat in my car.

Dinner:
I ask husband, are you hungry?  He answers casually....eh...I could eat.  It's like he could just take or leave food, he doesn't care.  By this time I'm typically ravenous, despite eating lunch.  Many times he just isn't hungry at all and has no problem skipping dinner and telling me to do whatever I want. I feel SO guilty for eating when he does this.  I feel like I shouldn't need food as much as I do.  These situations almost always trigger me to purge whatever I'm eating.   

Weekends are drastically different.  Friday night I'm stressed out from work and I'm in celebration mode because it's the weekend....so I tell myself that I deserve to splurge.  Those nights are usually planned binge/purge nights.  If Kyle gets drunk and goes to bed early, then this could go on for hours...until I'm exhausted and in pain.  I go to bed and swear to myself that I'll never do this again.  The next morning I wake up and do it again....purging is made easy because I can justify running the shower water to cover the noise.  It's SO hard to resist saturday morning purging because it's just too damn easy.  If Kyle has to work, then I'll just binge/purge for however long he's gone, or until I'm exhausted, whichever comes first.  Saturday night, after he goes to bed, is a repeat of Friday night.  Sunday, I usually only purge lunch.  If I'm really in a slump, then I'll have another planned b/p that night too.

So, after writing all of that out.....I step back and wonder how would a normal person respond to that sort of routine?  I know in my head what healthy should look like, but it seems nearly impossible to envision that actually happening for me.  I tend to just accept what I do and I sort of get desensitized to how crazy it really is. 

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Today is a better day.  A little roller-coasterish though.

I went grocery shopping and bought normal, non-binge food.  I bought a bunch of salad stuff for lunches at work.   I actually bought some major fear foods too.  ACK!  Kyle wants to grill these jalapeno cheddar sausages.  I also got potato salad and a creamy pasta salad.  Anything related to a hot dog is a major fear food, processed meat in general is difficult for me.  I made up my mind this morning that I am NOT purging today.  Hot dogs are a fear food to the extent that I won't even eat it and purge it....I simply avoid them entirely.  So this should be fun.  :)  The potato and pasta salad aren't really fear foods, but they typically send me into a binge or I end up feeling so guilty over eating them that I purge it.  I'm feeling hopeful today.  I really want to have another week like last week, where I manage to both eat healthy and also allow myself treats without guilt.  It worked out well, even though it was a hard mindset to manage.  Planning ahead is key!  I slip into a dark abyss so quickly when I'm faced with hunger and have no plan.

Kyle is happy today.  I'm so glad he's been having more good days than bad days lately.  He's currently in the other room playing a ukulele.  Ha!!  He's a metal-head deep down, but he's suddenly on this weird reggae kick.  I love when he branches out like that.  He's such a musical genius, he has no idea.  He can pick up an instrument and teach himself to play it within hours.  He can hear a song on the radio for the first time, then go home and play it.

A few minutes ago I was sitting here thinking....do I want coffee, or do I want beer?  True story.  Beer won out...topped off with vodka.  Why do I do this?  I was feeling restless.  I have things I need to do today but no motivation or courage to do them.  It's like there is sometimes this weighty responsibility for something, yet I don't quite know what that something even is.  I need to be productive, do laundry, clean my house, etc.  Yet sometimes I'm incapable.  I sit in my chair like a lump and stare at my computer screen.

The church I go to is starting a series on the Holy Spirit.  I'm kind of excited about it.  I don't really roll with the charismatic crowd, but the Holy Spirit is a very real and obvious thing for me.  To me, this side of God is much easier than God as a father or Jesus.  I can't do people today though.  Argh!  I've recently nailed down for certain that I really am a believer now...but that brings up even more issues and questions.  I want to go tonight, yet I don't.  I don't have the energy for the anxiety struggle.  It will be really close to dinner which is going to be difficult.  I think that's why I chose the beer.  To give myself a more viable reason to not go to church tonight.  *sigh*  Can't go if I'm drunk, right?

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Ten years ago today was the day I told my dad to stop.  It didn't go how I always pictured it.  I wasn't strong and forceful....I was feeble and mad and not very clear with him.  Looking back, I wish I had said things differently.  I could have used the situation to uncover some unspoken offenses.

I've probably posted about this before, but I really don't remember.  I feel the need to talk about it now....to remind myself.  I felt weak and I felt wrong, but everybody keeps telling me that I was actually very brave and strong.  It's even a little fitting that I claimed a sort of independence for myself....on a day that we celebrate Independence.

I was 24 years old.  I was guilted into visiting my parents for the holiday weekend.  I lived alone in a city four hours away from any family members.  My boyfriend was spending the summer in New Mexico.  I had no close friends.  I didn't have any reason not to visit my parents.  I woke up my first day there, feeling like I was getting a cold.  Fabulous.  That afternoon I was helping my mom do some things around the house that she isn't able to do.  She wanted me to hang some pictures above the basement stairs in the kitchen.  I had to stand on this narrow ledge above the stairs to do it.  I was feeling a little wobbly so I asked my dad if he would stand behind me and hold my legs, just to steady me.  My dad has a very odd sense of humor.  He "picks" on people and it's just....weird.  He was kind of jeering at me and teasing me about falling.  As a joke he lets go of my legs, reaches up and plants both of his hands on my ass and grabs...and squeezes.  I was startled and I said something to the effect of Stop....don't do that, don't ever grab me like that.  I don't remember the actual words.  I was so angry I was shaking.  My mother saw the whole thing happen.  My dad immediately was upset.  He said something about feeling unwanted and misunderstood and he walked out of the house crying.  I remember looking at my mom with questions on my face and she said to just let him go.

Half an hour later he comes back inside.  I tell them I'm going to go home, my cold is getting worse, I just want to go home and sleep.  They are upset and shocked.  My dad begs me to at least stay long enough to go to church with them.  I'm still shaking with rage and I insist on leaving.  That was the LONGEST four hour drive ever.  I called a guy from AA and he offered to come over.  I didn't tell him anything that happened, just that I wasn't feeling great.  We had sex.  It was passion-less....and very awkward.  He was my dad's age.  After he left, I sat on my couch drinking vanilla vodka straight from the bottle.  I cut my arm with a razor blade, over and over in the same spot, making the cut deeper to get more blood.  I couldn't feel it.  I don't know if I was just too drunk to feel, or if I was that emotionally numb that I couldn't feel physical pain.

So anyway.  That's what happened.  I keep re-playing it over and over in my head....asking myself if maybe I just interpreted my dad's joke wrong.  Maybe I was just being too sensitive.  I've been burying myself in my ED for the last three days.  I don't know what triggered this recent cycle, but the fact that it's fourth of July weekend kinda makes sense.  I feel guilty because my parents asked me to visit and my sister and niece wanted to come visit us.  I told them all no....lied and told them Kyle and I were going camping.

I swear....someday this disease is going to kill me.   Yesterday I started having heart palpitations again and horrid muscle cramps.  What the heck?!  The muscle cramps really confuse me.  I know they are connected to my ED, but I don't know how.  I get them both when I restrict and when I purge.  Hot water is about the only thing that helps.  Alcohol helps too, sadly.

I'm hoping to find a way to make today suck less.  I'm trying to talk my husband into riding bikes at the lake and stopping to eat and hang out at one of the patio restaurants.