Friday, May 22, 2015

7 days purge free!

Seven days.  SEVEN!!!  I almost can't believe it.  It's been probably 6 months since I've gone that long without purging.

A few weeks ago I started seeing a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders.  So far it's been an eye opening experience.  I didn't expect to actually find hope so soon.

aarrggghhh!!!  My dogs are intent on me not blogging right now.  I have two boxers and they are laying on either side of me on the close to me as possible.  One ear flopped across my wrist....and I have NO elbow room on either side, so my wrists are all crunched up while typing.  hahaha!  I freaking love them.

I haven't restricted this week either.  I don't have a food plan lined out with my dietitian yet, but I've been trying to eat somewhat normally since I started seeing her.  It isn't easy, but it also isn't impossible.

She gave me three writing assignments.  I'll probably put them here....later this weekend.  :)

Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day drama

Mother's Day was....I dunno....I want to say that it was rough, but that seems almost out of line, seeing as I'm not a mom....but it was rough trying to navigate a healthy relationship and healthy boundaries with my mom.  Every year I send her something.  Usually flowers.  This year she asked me to visit.  I said no.  My sister and niece visited though.  This is not something we normally do, so it kind of feels like the family is upping the holiday requirement to a visit?  Yikes!  All weekend I was being e-mailed and texted pictures of what they were doing.  My mom would interject little snippets of sadness that I wasn't there.

She texted me when she got the flowers and took a picture of them.  She later e-mailed me and sort of nicely complained that the quality wasn't what it was in the past.  She recently moved though, so I had to use a different flower shop.  *sigh*  It kind of felt like she would rather I visit than just send she doesn't really care about flowers.  I totally get that.  What she doesn't understand though, is that I simply don't have the mental/emotional capacity to visit right now.

I feel like it makes things worse for her because she doesn't understand WHY I don't visit.  My family has always been the type to know everything going on with each person and I know that it drives all of them nuts when I pull away like this.

What am I supposed to say though?  That I don't want to visit because simply seeing my dad triggers me into an oblivion of drinking and cutting which will then turn into days of fasting, then eating and puking until I physically can't anymore?

*sigh*  The guilt is horrible.  I feel like a bad daughter both for hiding things from them and also for not being able to just suck it up and deal like every other daughter.  I feel bad that my parents moved to within a 2 hour drive away....and I actually visit them less than when they lived five hours away.

I'm trying very hard to stay sane about food today.  Yesterday was the first day in a LONG time that I had absolutely no alcohol.  This morning I ate breakfast, even though breakfast is a big trigger meal for me.  It always feels like "too much" and I worry that I'm setting up my day for a binge.  I know that's the opposite of what everybody says, but that's typically how it goes for me.  I like to start my day with an empty stomach. 

In any case.  I had a small muffin and coffee (and vitamins) and I'm planning to find something healthy for lunch, salad or subway probably.  I can do this!!  I'll cross the dinner bridge when I get there.  Maybe I'll feel better about eating dinner (and also about not drinking) if I can go for a walk or something afterward.  We'll see.

So *cheers* to a healthy day.....

Sunday, May 10, 2015

I can safely say that I am MUCH more sane today than I was Friday...and possibly even yesterday.  That isn't typical at all, normally Sundays can be rough.  Church is often triggering.  I think that might be getting better though, the more I expose myself to it....and also the fact that I'm actually in a safe place with safe people could be helping.

I need to stop drinking.  No...I HAVE to stop drinking.  For a week I've only had beer.  Normally the sticker shock of the calories in beer is enough to deter me from drinking enough to get drunk.  A few nights this week I drank way too many, and then regretted it.  I lose all inhibition when I drink and several people have asked (pleaded with) me to stop.  It's scary when I start cutting while drunk.

Anyway.  So starting today I'm intent on completely cutting booze out of my diet.  I even asked my husband if he would agree to not buy any for me....and to consider not having anything harder than beer in the house.  I was shocked he agreed to it.  To be honest I think he only agreed because he has seen me blackout drunk and cutting.  O_o

I have more to write about but I can't get my head in the game right now.  Even though I had a great day emotionally, my head has been chock full of ED thoughts.  I know that what I do isn't healthy, yet I feel so unable to give it up.  Maybe just one thing at a time?  I'll give up alcohol....see how that goes for a few months.  In the meantime, I'm not going to worry about ED stuff.

I'm going to do my best this week to not go overboard on food this week.  I'm thinking 800 calories or less is a safe place to stay.  Not restrictive enough to be dangerous.....but still enough to prevent a hunger-crazed binge.  My heart was feeling super funny Friday after purging so sticking to 800 will help me stay away from purging too.  :)

OH I don't wanna go to work tomorrow.  Ugh.  I'm dreading facing my coworkers.  I'm dreading one coworker in particular, but I don't really want to go into that right now.  That's an extremely long blog post for another time...

Friday, May 8, 2015

I keep meaning to write about certain things....things that are bothering me...and then I just end up dancing around it and writing about something else.  Something, aka the mania that is my eating disorder.

So I baked a bunch of muffins.  Ate half the pan and chugged some water.  They were spongy and soft so I thought, oh this will be safe and simple just like pancakes!  Nope.  Wrong!  I just spent half an hour retching like a damned pterodactyl.  I stomach flushed twice....even though I KNOW how terrible of an idea that is.  When I'm in the middle of a purge it's hard to care about the dangers of what I'm doing.  I sure as hell care now that I'm reduced to a shaking, lump of aches and pains. I'm officially done for the day.  My head wants to continue but my body is telling me this needs to stop.  The purge high just doesn't last long enough.

omg I'm rambling.  I swear, bulimia must kill brain cells.

Just once....HA!!

I actually woke up this morning and thought....I'll just do it once.  Just breakfast, just to make the lump of guilt go away.  Then I'll spend the day happy and healthy, cleaning house and maybe painting my nails.

Big.  Fat.  HA!!

My biggest fear is that I'll eat a ton of junk food and then not be able to purge.  That's happened before and it's total anxiety overload.  I just cleaned my bathroom, practically spit-shined it.  The weather is supposed to be bad here, tornadoes and shit tonight. The bathroom is our hidey-hole shelter so I wanted it to not be gross in case we have to cram the dogs and ourselves in there later.

Storm anxiety.  UGH!  Is that what this is all about?  That's certainly what this afternoon's b/p desire is about....well, that and I'm trying to get rid of the guilt over calling in sick to work.  I still feel guilty for things that happened last night too.  I got drunk.  On beer.  I hate that ingested all those calories and didn't do anything about it.  I've restricted like crazy all week though, keeping my calories under 500 for the last 6 days.  I suppose it's only natural that I would end up stuffing my face, right?

I'm restless right now.  Every little noise in my house is making me jump.  I'm mega triggered right now and nothing is really working to make me feel calm.

*sigh*  I can already tell....this is going to be a multiple post kinda day.

Stay tuned, kids!

"sick" day

I called in sick to work today just so I could have privacy/freedom to binge/purge.  UGH!  I feel so pathetic for that...yet strangely excited.  McDonalds breakfast food is quite possibly the easiest thing in the world to purge though.  Is it sad that I felt super satisfied afterward?  Maybe it's just the purge high, I dunno.

My inlaws are visiting tomorrow and my house is an absolute wreck.  Husband and I both have been in such a funk that neither of us is really doing much other than engaging in our own separate destructiveness.  I told myself that I would take today for a b/p day but I'll take the time to clean between b/p sessions.  GAH!

I feel a little guilty for ditching coworkers.  Work is soooo slow and boring right now though so they really can handle things without me.  Mkay....I'm going to go clean my bathroom, watch an episode of Bates Motel and then possibly bake some muffins for an experimental b/p this afternoon.  Never puked muffins is that even possible after 22 years of this crap?