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Friday, January 16, 2015

Tired

I really am so tired of this struggle. I'm kinda sick of myself too. Ha! Sometimes I wonder if I could go back....undo the last year of my life. It seems like I have been sucked deeper into my eating disorder, I have more rules and rituals than I ever have. Why? The ED has been there for years but I never used to get so wrapped up in the ritual habits. It used to soley be a method of losing or controlling my weight. 

If I had never gone back to church or questioned what I believed...would I be where i am now? If i walked away from all of that stuff right now....would I be able to let go of the ED?

Work sucks today. I'm kinda lonely. Nobody that knows 'me' is here today. I suppose that's good for productivity. O_o

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

You know you're disordered when....

I laughed at myself this morning...though in reality it was more sad than funny. I was running late to work. My typical routine lately is to eat breakfast in the car while it's warming up. I've been hooked on those 90 calorie fiber one bars. I forgot to grab one on my way out the door. I remembered I had a metamucil thing but it's 100 calories. I actually opted to risk being late and run back into the house because I couldn't deal with 10 extra calories. Wow....just, wow. Welcome to my crazy ednos head. I can justify a greasy 800 calorie meal one day and then the next day I refuse to deviate from a plan for 10 calories.

Today is dragging by. I'm ready to go home and crawl in bed with my husband, a heating pad and netflix. We started watching American Horror Story last night. Love!!!!  I was sceptical because he said the first episode was a little scary. It really wasn't though. To be honest, I was shocked HE liked it so much. There were a few cutting scenes that were a little triggering for me and I didn't expect that. Just seeing the type of blade she was using was triggering! 

I think I'm getting sick, catching the cold my husband has had for forever and a day. Ugh!! I can't be sick right now!!! Anything throat related scares the shit out of me. I'm scared ha coughing will rip or irritate something, or that germy drainage will cause another throat infection. I've successfully avoided any purging still. I'm feelin really good not eating much. Too good, actually. Damn. How can habits and mindsets be this addicting?? I wondered this morning....what am I avoiding his time? What am I numbing? I have absolutely no idea why I tumbled back into this. 

Hmph. Time to go back to work. Bleh. 5:00 needs to hurry the fuck up and get here. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Same shit, different day

Here we go again today. Food is the enemy once again!  I wish I could turn off my brain. I can't stop this obsessive thinking. I've been restricting a lot last week and this week, keeping below 500 calories a day except on weekends. My head is whirring and planning. As soon as I start to physically feel better I want to start running again. Not until this throat/chest issue goes away though. 

 I'm on the hunt for a general doctor who won't be completely ignorant about eating disorder health issues. I'm a little nervous that I have health issues that aren't going away despite the fact that I'm not purging anymore. My jaw pretty much hurts all the time and my throat is often sore. What the heck?! I haven't purged in forever. My body is punishing me for somehing I'm no longer doing. Ha!  

I still struggle so much with the desire to let go of this. I'm still not completely sure what is so enticing about it. I suppose I like that it keeps my head busy and gives me some semblance of control. Nothing in my life feels out of control though!! I'm not a teenager living under my parent's thumbs anymore. I really hate the age stigma on eating disorders. I worry that any doctor would dismiss me if I tell them what I'm doing. Worse yet...what if they say it isn't a big deal? Then I look like an attention whore for mentioning it. Hmph. Maybe it isn't a big deal though. I think I tend to overreact a bit sometimes anyway. 

My food-free lunch break is over.....

Monday, January 5, 2015

Bored...and hungry

Work is sooo slow today! I'm sort of glad. I want the freedom to sit alone at my desk and just think. 

My jaw and my throat hurt really bad today. I have no clue why. It feels like I purged a lot but I haven't at all!!

I had a bt of a moment yesterday though. Before goin to church I stopped to buy razor blades. I was wanting quick relief and sharp blades always do the trick. Well, they were sold out. No lie! I was pissed...and then knocked back into reality again. I can't keep doing that! It's dangerous to have blades around, especially if I end up drinking. 

 Church last night was deep for me. I need to think more before i write though....still soaking it in. I really struggle to see the possibility of life without my addictions. I really, truly am a slave to this stuff. Restricting food is the hardest to let go of. I tell myself that it's the least damaging. 

More later....

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Craziness

I feel crazy. It has been a long time since I've felt this way. I want to cut. I really would love to spend a few hours eating and puking tonight. I can't though! I absolutely can't risk the damage purging might cause. 

I don't know where this urge is coming from either. I'm sorta numb to any emotion right now. Maybe restricting too much triggered it? 

Maybe it's the dreams. I've been dreaming a lot about my dad. Most dreams involve him pursuing me sexually and I'm reacting with extreme anger. Ugh. This sucks. Feeling anything at all sucks. 

This craziness is scary. I feel almost reckless. My husband is awake and somewhat sober, so anything too exteme is out of the question at least for right now. 

Friday, January 2, 2015



I feel crazy today.  I still have the urge to lose myself in my own little world of obsession.  I wish I had something more interesting to write about right now.  It seems so shallow that this is all I'm interested in right now.  I ate more than I intended to yesterday simply because I was at home.  Realistically it probably looked more like a normal day for anybody else, at least calorie wise.