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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Sad case that I am...

Tonight is a little rough. Not critical...just uncomfortable. After eating nothing all day I decided to eat dinner. I ate something totally unhealthy and more calories than I was in the mood to justify. It was one of my forbidden foods and I haven't eaten it since college. Only two things kept me from purging: my dogs sleeping in my lap and fear of what might happen if I purge and rip something or get another infection.

How sad that the only thing I'm doing on new years eve is trying not to purge and blogging about it. My husband is finally starting to get over his cold and I'm not so freaked to be around him. He's feeling super reclusive though and is in his music room with the door shut. 

I feel really alone and crazy right now. Well...maybe alone IN my craziness. Even my ed friends online thought yesterday's apple issue was nuts. Even though I know it isn't sane, I want to lose myself in this. Cut off the outside world and immerse myself in lists, numbers and goals. Seems so much easier to live this way! 

About a year before I met my husband I went through a longer than normal restricting phase. I lived alone in an apartment that had stairs. I lived on two slimfast shakes a day and in the evenings I ran stairs until I was exhausted enough to sleep. I allowed myself more calories on the weekends just to stay sane. Oddly enough I didn't own a scale at the time. I lost a lot of weight over four months or so. Come to think of it...this was right around the time that I stopped going to church. My boyfriend had moved 14 hours away to stay with his parents for summer vacation. He almost never called me. When we did talk, he said that I talked too much. Eventually we just stopped talking altogether. Then one night I snapped.  I called a friend from AA. He offered to come over. I naively thought we would just talk.  I suppose it was loneliness piled on top of self hatred, guilt and anger at my boyfriend.   Things happened. The next day I called my boyfriend and told him. He had always treated me like I was used up anyway. He had always pictured himself marrying a virgin. I was honest about that from the very beginning and he was adamant about keeping our relationship pure.  He often brought up my history and said that HE had forgiven ME for having sex outside of marriage.  That always bothered me when he talked like that.  Ugh. I'm tired of talking about this. I'm not even sure why I took this tangent. Guess I just needed to ramble.


Ahhh. Sweet,sweet control.

I'm spending my lunch break in my car, watching the snow and wishing I was at home under a suffocatingly huge stack of blankets. I'm too paranoid to drive anywhere since my tag is expired. (Note to self...take care of that today!!) 

Work is slow today and nobody is putting much effort into it. I've been carrying on three separate email discussions. I really do thrive on conversation. Odd, since I'm such a people-phobe. 

Today is the anniversary of the death of my friend's son. My heart breaks for her. Grief is so messy and painful. I wish I had something great to say to her but I have nothing at all. I can listen and I am pretty good at providing a distraction when needed. That's about all though. 

I'm so torn about food right now. I'm not eating much and I see  myself slipping into some obsession. I've been spending time writing and responding to posts on a pro ED website. I find solace there mostly because I can be fully honest and I don't feel so alone or crazy. Those sites get a bad rap. Yes, they are triggering and unhealthy at times, but you can't quite beat the solidarity of the friendships. Something about shared pain really bonds people. Believe it or not, when I post there I feel better and often avoid purging or binging. It's also great for finding resolve to actually eat something...and make it healthy. Sheesh. I sound like I'm defending pro ed sites. I suppose I am to an extent. Maybe I'm trying to justify why I've been posting on one?  Whatever. *sigh*

I both love and hate my ed. I love the calm focus that I get from restricting (which I'm obviously doing now). I hate the lusty chaos of binging and purgng though. I don't think I'm a typical binger. I don't stuff myself because it isn't the eating that I want....it's the act of purging. The violence of ripping somehing away from my body, something it needs to live and thrive. It's also a way to relieve guilt. 

Anyway. Rambling time is over! Time to go back to work and fake some productivity. 

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

go to church...or ELSE!

On my way home tonight I passed one of the million churches in my city.  Their sign seriously annoyed me.  "Next year you will have 52 Sunday appointments with God, will you keep them?"  UGH!!!  My guess is that this church isn't all that different from the one I was raised in.

When I first started questioning Christianity one of the hardest things to deal with was the guilt from not going to church every sunday.  I still went, but I sort of tested things out and stayed home a few times.  The church I was going to ended up closing and after that there were a lot more church services that I skipped.  I tried looking for another church but nothing seemed right.  I felt SO guilty.  I remember one of the churches I tried, I felt a bit under-dressed (probably should have walked out right then) and I think that lead people to think that I wasn't a believer.  This lady sat down with me and asked me if I knew Jesus.  I sighed and told her I did but that I hadn't been to church in awhile.  She told me it was 'imperative' that I find a church home fast because it's a sin for the believer to 'forsake the fellowship'.  GAH!  Really?  I'm already nervous as hell because I hate crowds and I especially dislike the awkwardness of meeting new people....and now I get to feel guilty for not finding a church sooner, or not visiting regularly.   That experience started my new phase of visiting churches and pretending to be a non-believer.  Ha!  That was fun.  I didn't claim Atheism, just played stupid and acted like I'd never heard about God.  Honestly, I was surprised nobody caught onto my act and called bullshit on me because it's downright impossible to live in Oklahoma and NOT know at least a small something about Christianity.  It really is more of a culture here.  It's a way to act, not something to believe in.

It was amusing to watch people try to talk to me about Jesus.  It was an eye-opener too because I realized that I used to be just like that.  I vowed, never again!  I know that they meant well and I never argued with them, just played dumb and listened to them talk.  I was always disappointed that nobody asked me deeper questions than just if I knew Jesus or if I had ever been to church.  Nobody took the time to push in and ask why I had stopped going to church.

Faith is a difficult subject to tackle upon first meeting a person.  It is SO MUCH MORE than just a story about God.  I think the church isn't helping things with the old dusty methods of "making disciples".  How and what a person believes has so much to do with their history, with who they are and what they've experienced in life.  It can't be boiled down to a simple 5 second prayer with a stranger.  I suppose there are cases where people have that experience, but I highly doubt that it happens that way for the majority of people.

calories, shmalories

I think I've consumed more calories in coffee than food this week.  :)

You know you have an eating disorder when....you struggle to eat an apple because you aren't sure you can justify the calories.  *sigh*  True story.  So far today I've eaten a piece of bread, half an apple and three cups of coffee.....only one of which had a significant calorie content.

I got pulled over today on my lunch break.  I was eating my apple, not speeding and couldn't think of anything I had done wrong.  Turns out.... my tag was expired.  Shit!  I'm the world's worst procrastinator.  Only with certain things though....no clue why.  Car related things are definitely in that category.  I've been kicking myself for weeks now, telling myself I HAVE to go do this.....and then getting pissed at myself when I don't.  Why??  Thankfully the guy let me go with a warning.  I did, however, decide I couldn't eat the rest of my apple so I chucked it.  I can't find any shred of sanity in this line of thinking.

So I spent the rest of the day at my desk being moody and doing my best to be unapproachable.  It was probably a good thing since there was a lot of group drama today.  O_o


Monday, December 29, 2014

Not sure what I feel today. Is that normal? I wonder if I'm the only one sometimes that has no mood. No emotion. Indifference. I'm neither happy or sad. I really don't mind having no mood.

I'm hiding out for lunch today. Work is throwing a surprise retirement party for one of our sales people. Only people who actually worked with her are involved with the surprise part. I'm stuck in an odd place...I know and remember her but she never remembers me until somebody mentions who my husband is. I've done accounting stuff for her for 8 years off and on. You would think that by now she would remember my name. Apparently she doesn't pay attention to WHO is sending her e-mail. I decided to avoid the awkardness and hide in my car at a nearby park instead. They are catering bbq so I didn't want to deal with that anyway. 

My poor husband is crazy sick right now. I feel so bad for him. He's miserable!  I've been doing my best to avoid his germ cloud. It would be really bad for me to get a cold right now since I've had this throat/esophagus issue lately. I suppose I finally found a reason to truly hate bulimia. Even if I'm not purging, just getting sick puts me at risk for issues. Sadly I was dumb enough to think that I wouldn't have much damage since I haven't always been an active purger. Not true kids!

Anyway. I'm going to go navigate through the crowd and hide at my desk for the rest of the hour. 

Sunday, December 28, 2014

dream continued...

I decided to go to work, even though it was a weekend. I had to drive a long way to get there and I was afraid of getting lost or falling asleep while driving. I stopped at a fast food place. I pulled up to the window but they ignored me. I was embarrassed to be there and just as I decided to drive away the woman opened the window and greeted me. I was suddenly blinded with indecision. All I really wanted was coffee but I knew I needed more. I was too ashamed to ask for anything on the menu, it all seemed like too much. (I didn't deserve to eat) Behind her I saw some muffins and told her I wanted one of those.

My work place was in a school building. I was surprised to see a teacher there with some kids...a bunch of boys, all the same age and all dressed alike. I was disappointed to not be alone but I had driven too far to justify going back home. My mom was there but she was like a ghost. She looked almost transparent and she didn't interact with anybody. I had to pull my laptop out of a box because the teacher had packed up my desk for some reason. The boys were rowdy and kept blocking me from getting to my computer. I was very anxious to read an e-mail from my uncle (from the red-letter blog I posted earlier). I asked them to move and ended up pushing my way through them.

Suddenly my dad is sitting next to me. He's hovering over me, almost overshadowing me. He's too close and I'm uncomfortable. I was worried that my dad, mom or the teacher would see what we were talking about. My dad leans in to kiss me on the lips. I squirm away and he goes for my cheek. I duck my head down and he kisses the back of my neck instead. This whole scene happens twice. I get very angry and imagine pushing him away with all of my strength.....I scream at him, hit him. I'm shaking from the physical strain of screaming and hitting him.

I pack up my computer and leave. I'm overwhelmed by all of the people around me and can't find anybody I know well enough to talk to. My friend Katie (actually an old highschool acquaintance) is the closest person I know (her sister and I were in an ED therapy group together in highschool). I know that she'll help me find my car, possibly even go with me. When I finally find her she looks odd....emotionally odd. I can't tell what she's feeling but I know she isn't happy. She has a lip print on her cheek and it's white, raised and puffy. I decide to find my car on my own.

***
Emotion is a funny thing for me. Either I feel nothing....or I feel everything intensely. I should be angry with my dad considering the things he has done to me. I just don't feel it. I think that there is a significant amount of anger at him buried inside. Maybe dreaming about my anger is the closest thing I can find to actually expressing it?

I think work represents what I'm doing right now in my life. I'm pursuing healing, I'm asking questions and I'm trying to let people in. I feel weird that I'm going to church right now. It seems pointless. I don't belong there. I'm not there for the right reasons. Honestly, I have no idea why I'm still going since they are way beyond the sermon series I originally started going for. I have no desire to become the type of christian that goes to church every time the doors are open and tries to share jesus with everyone I meet. BUT....as in the dream....I've come too far to back out now. Things may be really ugly in my life right now but I'm actually getting better in some areas. It's been a long time since I gave in to cutting urges and I've been a lot better about purging. I don't really feel better though. In fact, I often feel worse. I guess that's how it's supposed to go though.

Anyway. I'm not sure what the deal is with my friend in the dream. I've been feeling lately like I'm a lousy person to be friends with. There are three specific people that keep pursuing me for friendship and I have no idea why. I don't have a lot to give back and I'm a horrible flake that only shows up for "friend dates" 50 percent of the time. *sigh*

red-letter stuff

I had a really odd dream last night.  There were a lot of layers to it, most of them with obvious symbolism.

One part has me thinking though...

In the dream I had an ongoing communication with my uncle via e-mail.  I was telling him about my eating disorder, cutting, stuff about my dad, etc.  When he responded he would type in red and insert his responses within my e-mail to him.  I was really anxious to read what he had to say and I was struggling to find privacy to read his reply.  I'll have to write more about the dream later.  My first thought was that this was symbolic of me talking to God....more specifically Jesus?  That makes me so uncomfortable.  I don't know why, but it seems that praying to Jesus or talking about Jesus as though he is real triggers huge religion flags in my head.  I love dreaming and I love the feeling that God is communicating with me.  I feel like he is pushing me in this direction.....toward Jesus.  UGH!  Even just typing that seems so disgustingly religious.

I can grasp the idea of God.  God is mysterious....big and mystical.  God is not human and I think he has the power and desire to communicate with us.  I don't know how God feels.  I'm told that he loves us but I'm not going to go that far yet.  IF there is love there, then it isn't a type of love that I can grasp because I have no other relationship to compare it to.

I don't trust scripture.  It's a very, very long story.  When I was a kid I remember my parents and adults at church telling me that everything I needed to know about life was contained in the Bible.  Advice, help, truth, wisdom, etc.  Bullshit.  Years ago when I was actively writing my first blog, I sparked debates with an extremely fundamentalist christian.  Just about ALL of her responses contained lists upon lists of bible verses.  It was very overwhelming and frustrating.  She said that I couldn't argue with scripture and she was right.....but for the wrong reason.  I couldn't argue with it, not because I believed it was true or that  she was successfully using it to combat what I was saying.....but because there was no point in trying to argue.  She was very good at proving to me that I was living in sin and needed to repent.  *sigh*

Reading and applying scripture isn't that simple.  I think that contradictions stand out when you pull out bits and pieces without looking at the whole picture.  It seems so impossible though to fully grasp the entire thing on your own.  It seems like something that would require a lifetime of research, language study, history.

Anyway.  I've been debating with myself about why I keep going to church.  I still don't feel like I belong there and it still makes me nervous that I'm on the edge of some dangerous brain washing cult.  I'm certain this church isn't a cult in the traditional sense, but I'm not sure I buy everything they preach.  I never intended to continue going.  I really didn't intend to make friends.  I suppose I keep going because I want to figure this out....I want more.  I want more answers.

Friday, December 26, 2014

My heart is so heavy right now.  I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling or why.  The only thing I'm certain of is that this is not a happy sort of feeling.  Gloomy might be an appropriate word.  I've been self-medicating with wine for two days straight.  I need to shake out of this but I feel kind of stuck.

I've been trying to keep my family at a distance since we got back from Florida.  I feel like the world's worst daughter/sister.  My sister texted me to say hello and I asked her how her christmas was.  She said it was lonely and she was glad it was over.  I was really sad to hear her say that.  I feel like I might have contributed to that loneliness.  I can relate too....yet I felt like I couldn't say that.  I feel bad for choosing to be around family other than my parents and sister and then not having an amazing time.  If I'm going to disappoint them, I'd like it to be for something that will be good enough to off-set the guilt.

I feel guilty for not planning ahead and sending my family something in the mail.  I didn't answer their phone calls on christmas day.  I texted them instead.  I don't deserve to feel lonely when I actually HAVE family members that are reaching out to me and want to BE with me.  I've always had a selfish bent, and I really hate that about myself.  I can't fake love and I'm not very good at faking happiness.  I can't change how I feel about my family or how they make me feel.  I wish I could just fake my way through it for their sakes.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

I just got back from spending a few days in Florida with my husband's family. It was fun, for the most part. I'm glad to be back though. 

Food was difficult while I was there. Gahhh!!!  I had a crash course in ditching the public food phobia. By the time the trip was over I was actually much more comfortable with it. I hate to admit it but maybe just doing it despite how i feel is the best way to get rid of it. Honestly it isn't really a fear, it's awkwardness.

I got a stomach bug while I was there and ended up losing dinner one night and didn't eat at all the next day. After I started feeling better i must admit that I didn't mind the emptiness and the skinny feeling. I didn't eat yesterday since we were flying. I blamed it on nerves. Honestly I didn't want to eat because my husband wasn't. I have this idea in my head that a woman should never eat more than a man. Horrible, I know. Sadly, it's not uncommon for my husband to not eat anything for a couple of days in a row. Last night I was crazy hungry. We had nothing at home so I offered to go pick something up. He just wanted a taco. One fucking taco. Really?!  So I immediately felt like a fatass for wanting more than that. I ended up not eating anything. *sigh* well.....unless a whole bottle of wine counts. Ha!

I weighed myself before and after my trip. I lost 5 pounds. My weight tends to fluctuate a lot but I was still kinda happy to see a smaller number this morning on the scale. 

I have to work today. Nobody gives a shit right now and we're all just miffed that we aren't at home like the rest of civilization. I would love to be in bed watching movies right now. OH how I missed my bed while we were gone!!!!

Lunch break is over. Boo. I suppose I should go inside and attempt something productive. 
To say that the last week has been rough would be an understatement. I think it's just life that is rough. That never changes....

I've not blogged in forever, mostly because i have nothing to say. Public writing just seems too exposing right now. At the moment I'm stuck on a plane bored out of my mind. I should've brought a book. *sigh*