How sad that the only thing I'm doing on new years eve is trying not to purge and blogging about it. My husband is finally starting to get over his cold and I'm not so freaked to be around him. He's feeling super reclusive though and is in his music room with the door shut.
I feel really alone and crazy right now. Well...maybe alone IN my craziness. Even my ed friends online thought yesterday's apple issue was nuts. Even though I know it isn't sane, I want to lose myself in this. Cut off the outside world and immerse myself in lists, numbers and goals. Seems so much easier to live this way!
About a year before I met my husband I went through a longer than normal restricting phase. I lived alone in an apartment that had stairs. I lived on two slimfast shakes a day and in the evenings I ran stairs until I was exhausted enough to sleep. I allowed myself more calories on the weekends just to stay sane. Oddly enough I didn't own a scale at the time. I lost a lot of weight over four months or so. Come to think of it...this was right around the time that I stopped going to church. My boyfriend had moved 14 hours away to stay with his parents for summer vacation. He almost never called me. When we did talk, he said that I talked too much. Eventually we just stopped talking altogether. Then one night I snapped. I called a friend from AA. He offered to come over. I naively thought we would just talk. I suppose it was loneliness piled on top of self hatred, guilt and anger at my boyfriend. Things happened. The next day I called my boyfriend and told him. He had always treated me like I was used up anyway. He had always pictured himself marrying a virgin. I was honest about that from the very beginning and he was adamant about keeping our relationship pure. He often brought up my history and said that HE had forgiven ME for having sex outside of marriage. That always bothered me when he talked like that. Ugh. I'm tired of talking about this. I'm not even sure why I took this tangent. Guess I just needed to ramble.