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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Here I am...

I'm really in a weird place right now. The last month has been stressful. Until last week I managed to stay away from both purging and restricting. For awhile it was hard....but it got easier once my body stopped reacting so violently to food. :)

I've only purged twice in the last week but the first time it happened I ended up flat on my back with an all-out bulimic hangover. Google it. It's a real ( and horrible) thing. I woke up this morning and decided to cut food back as much as possible this week. 

Why am I doing this?  Thanksgiving and being around my family is an obvious trigger. Also having a flood of upsetting and shameful memories crop up....and just plain stress in general...

I fired up an online calorie/fitness tracker again. I know his isn't the healthiest way to beat an addiction/obsession. I know!!  I also renewed my membership with a pro-ed group online. My reason (justification) is that even though I have friends both wih and without ed history, I feel like a burden.  Maybe that's just an excuse, i don't know. 

I miss the emptiness, the control. I packed on a few pounds eating more last month. Not a lot, but way more than I'm comfortable with. I'm sure a lot of that came from alcohol. Ha! Husband and i both have been drinking like fish!  Last night I asked him about the first time he blacked out or got sick from drinking. It was an interesting discussion that just got more interesting the more we drank. Even though we were talking about painful things, it was fun. From the outside it probably looks like we are an odd match because we vastly different family background and experiences.  I think that we are two hurting people that decided our junk might hurt less together than apart.