Pages

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Lunchtime mania take two!

Last night ended ok. I didn't do anyhthing crazy and went to bed early and only a little drunk. Today? Bah! I had planned to eat some thing small and healthy but then I went into autopilot and went and bought something huge and unhealthy....and puked. Why? I dunno. Cuz I can?

Tonight I'm meeting up with some girls from church. I'm hoping that at least a break in routine will snap me out of this. 

I had another dream last night but I don't remember any storyline. I was standing on a porch of this really big house watching a hurricane blow in. People from church were there too. I woke up right as the rain and wind hit us. It was almost like a brick wall of water. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

dinner....and then no dinner

Today has kinda just spiraled down.....

I ate tonight.  Under 500 calories, it was something healthy.  BUT...it was also something easy to purge.  The situation was "right" and I just couldn't resist.  Or maybe I just didn't want to resist?  My husband wanted to be loud in his music room so there was absolutely no chance that he would hear anything.

My head is swimming with ideas.....I could easily do this a few more times and he'd have no idea.  Then I could finish the night off with a bubble bath, go to bed, then wake up amazingly refreshed and empty.  HA!  It never turns out that way.  It's always ugly and I often end up spending half the night puking myself silly, then call in sick to work because I can't drag my ass out of bed.

Uggghhhh.....I hate this.  I don't hate what I do, I just hate that it never ends well.

tiny dog dream

I was at a grocery store, in the refrigerated section. I saw a tiny dog in one of the freezers. I pulled him out, and was playing with him. He was small enough that I could completely close my hand around him. I asked a guy that worked there to take a picture of the dog in my hand so I could prove to everybody how small it was. The dog kept getting bigger though and I decided to not have the guy take a picture because I didn't want anybody to know how big it was.

**As much as I hate to admit it.....I think this is about my ED.  I'm a little embarrassed every time I realize that it might actually be a serious issue....and yet keep trying to tell myself that it's small and not worth worrying over or trying to manage.**

I went out into the parking lot and realized that everybody I knew was gone, and I had nobody to give me a ride home. My mom was there, sitting in her car. She was leaving too and wouldn't wait for me or take me with her.

**Not totally sure what this is about.  Fear of abandonment maybe?  All of the people I was looking for were friends from church**

I looked in my purse for my phone and saw that it was covered in some slimy goo....totally ruined. I panicked because now I had no ride....and no way of calling somebody to come get me.

**Communication is messed up?

Lunchtime mania

Lunch options:

A: eat nothing
B: eat the granola bar I brought
C: eat out (chili or salad? Both aren't triggering and only one is easy enough to purge safely in public)
D: eat out (whatever I want and can easily purge)

Soooo.....I went with option D. *sigh* i don't know why. I should have stuck to the granola bar because it's sort of healthy and not something i would feel the need to get rid of. 

I feel a little guilty for last night because I got a little tipsy after a few beers and ended up destroying an entire tube of crackers. Ugh! I'm glad I didn't wake up feeling gross though. I was awKe at 5:30 this morning with a dream. I was crazy sleepy but I didn't want to forget the dream so i made coffee and just got up. It's amazing what that extra hour of solitude did for my mood today. LOL!  I got to work and was ready to deal with people. 

So why did i decide to puke for lunch? I really don't have a trigger. I'm in a great mood. Not feeling guilt or shame. Granted, I no doubt would have felt guilt had I decided not to purge. Ugh. Whatever.

Lunch is over. Gotta go!

church/food dream

I'm in church, upstairs, waiting for a party to start. I'm only there to watch, I don't plan to eat anything. Somebody tells me to watch this gas grill in the corner. She turns the gas on high and tells me to make sure it doesn't get lit, no matter what. In the back of my head I suddenly realize this is very dangerous. When she says to....we're supposed to run downstairs and pretend to be sick. I realize that she's wanting the gas smell to get all over us so that the others will THINK that we're sick. She says "go" and I do what she says....run downstairs. I realize that I really AM sick and I'm scared. For me, this isn't a joke, it's real. I feel drugged and I'm scared I'm going to die. There are too many people in the sanctuary so I run into the nursery. I stumble toward this woman sitting in a rocking chair. I fall at her feet and beg her to help me, just don' t let me die. I fall asleep looking at a skeletal baby.

**Not sure what my thoughts are on this yet.  Maybe this is related to addiction?  Maybe related to Atheism?  Either way.....in reality I've realized that I really am messed up, this isn't just a game and I need help.  I keep going back and forth on the seriousness of my behavior.  I worry that it's all in my head, that I'm really not messed up and I can stop this if I wanted to.....I just don't want to.**

I wake up and realize the baby is trapped in her car seat. There are straps around her head and it looks like she can't breathe. I ask the woman to help me figure out how to undo the straps. When the baby is free, we all walk into the sanctuary. The only people I know are in the choir. I feel a little left out but I'm grateful for the chance to be alone. I look around for the woman from before that put me in charge of the gas grill. She's in the choir too. I decide to find a place by myself that is still somewhat close to other people. I have to sit with my feet up because there isn't room on the floor....the rows are so close together that my legs only barely fit. The back of my chair and the chair in front of me squeeze against my legs. I'm self conscious because everybody else seems to have plenty of room. I feel huge and I just want to shrink....I'll do anything to become smaller.

**This is a picture of what I'm scared of in church.  The straps on the baby's head are symbolic of mind control.  I really do feel like churches sometimes start with kids because they are easy to fool, they'll believe what they're told and their childlike imaginations allow for the fantastical Bible stories to really take root.  It's also a picture of how I have always felt in church. Trapped.  Out of place. Alone.  Too big, too noticeable.**

Some women in my row want to move, they say they don't want to sit here anymore. I admire their ability to just leave like that. I'm amazed they're able to fit past me because I take up so much space. As each one goes by I see their names and their jobs in my head. Other information is there too but it flashes by too quickly.

**Not sure but....this seems to be a picture of me having a prophetic gift?  That's the only thing I can think of, but that makes me really uncomfortable because I don't even know if I believe the prophetic gift is real.....or a good thing.**

The service is over and we go back upstairs to see if the food is ready yet. I wonder what is taking so long. I wonder why I'm even here. I feel trapped. I think I might have the freedom to leave but I feel like I can't...that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to. I'm lonely and uncomfortable.

The food is mostly classic thanksgiving food. They started to set it all out but some people were taking food too early. They were told to put it back. I see this woman scraping her food back into the wrong bowls. I'm both amused and horrified. I'm comforted that she was messing up and I felt bad for her. She should never have been told to put her food back like that. It seemed shameful....punishing. I tried to make her feel better, less alone.

**This is hard to put any actual situation or words to but.....I feel like this is what has happened to me in church, in Christianity.  For awhile I was taking part in this meal that is symbolic of worship/thanksgiving.....and I was made to feel like I was doing it wrong and either told to stop or asked to leave.....that this isn't for me.  Like I said, I can't think of anything specific in my life that this relates to.  This is just what comes to mind.**

I walk to another table where there is a mix of Mennonite food and pre-packaged food. This woman is trying to pass off the packaged stuff as homemade and I call her out on it. I tell her....I can SEE you taking it out of the packages and putting it in the dish....I'm not going to be fooled into thinking this is real. Further down the table they aren't even hiding the packages. I see some maple sticks, I'm excited because they're actually from the Ukraine and I haven't had these since I was a kid.

**Well this one is obvious.  I call bullshit on fake christianity.  haha!  Part of my religious history has felt real.....the Mennonite part doesn't hold many bad memories.  I still think it was a sham though.**

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Today has been a weird, roller coaster sort of day.  After my post this morning, my day thankfully changed.  I was insanely busy but it allowed me to be alone for the rest of the day and bury myself in work.  The introvert in me needed that.  I was surrounded by so many ugly stacks of paper that my coworkers were too scared to approach me.  Hahaha!  By the time I left, everybody else was already gone.  I sat in my car and found myself taking a huge deep breath and smiling because I had just gotten 6 full hours of time alone.

My food plan has been somewhat ruined today.  I ate a granola bar for lunch and an orange for dinner (again!)  Then....I started talking online and texting with some friends.  Nothing serious, it was all fun stuff.  For some reason the fun conversation put me in the mood to eat.  What the hell!!??  Is that normal??  So I drank half a pot of coffee......and chased that with two beers......and now I don't feel good at all.  Go figure, right?

I suppose this isn't exactly maintenance mode, is it?  Technically the calories from the beer will put me into that range, if I stop now.  It's dangerous though.  I really need to not drink at all, ever.  *sigh*  Drinking almost always causes me to lose control and eat....which then leads to purging....and/or cutting.  You'd think that the calories from alcohol would be enough to make me not drink.  Nope!

So.....what's the trigger?  It could be several things.  I'm not really in the mood to write anymore though so.....I'm gonna go now.

overwhelmed!!! ......and a dream



Bah! Work is nuts today. I was kind of hoping for a quiet and chill day....or at least a day where I could hide at my desk and just be productive. No such luck! Apparently everybody in the world needs something from me today. *sigh* I woke up totally calm and collected though....and feeling empty and clear headed. It was kind of nice. No...it was really nice. :) I'm not going to go totally crazy with this, I'm just headed back into "maintenance mode" so I can get a handle on some things.

So. I had this dream. The second I woke up I had a solid idea of what it meant.....I'll post that later though.

I was at a grocery store, in the refrigerated section. I saw a tiny dog in one of the freezers. I pulled him out, and was playing with him. He was small enough that I could completely close my hand around him. I asked a guy that worked there to take a picture of the dog in my hand so I could prove to everybody how small it was. The dog kept getting bigger though and I decided to not have the guy take a picture because I didn't want anybody to know how big it was.

I went out into the parking lot and realized that everybody I knew was gone, and I had nobody to give me a ride home. My mom was there, sitting in her car. She was leaving too and wouldn't wait for me or take me with her.

I looked in my purse for my phone and saw that it was covered in some slimy goo....totally ruined. I panicked because now I had no ride....and no way of calling somebody to come get me.

Monday, October 20, 2014

back at it!

Words.  Don't fail me now!  I feel like I need to talk....need to write....and yet lately I just haven't had the words.  I've been staying away from blogging mostly because I don't want to be so negative....and I hate that all I seem to write about is junk.

Oh well.  I don't care.

Today's food?  A granola bar and an orange.  Lunch and dinner, respectively.  *sigh*  It isn't healthy and I don't care.  I've felt so gross today and oddly enough I miss the mental satisfaction of restricting.

Saturday I ran a 5k race with a bunch of people from work.  It was a lot of fun!  I stuck by a coworker who has been working really hard to lose weight and one of her goals was to finish a 5k race.  :)  It was incredibly hard for her but she did it!  She finished, and she did it in under an hour.  Afterward we went to breakfast.  I was suckered into going simply because I was one of the carpool drivers and there wouldn't be enough seats if I ducked out early.  SO.  I sucked it up and ate in front of people for the first time in.....I have no idea how long.  It wasn't much.  Fruit.  But still.....

One of the women that was with us was talking about some super triggering stuff.  While standing in line waiting for the bathroom she busted out with "I think I'm obsessed with being skinny."  I was SO glad that I wasn't the only one there with her because I don't know how I would have handled that conversation alone.  I just stayed quiet and let everyone else discuss it.  She kept pointing out other women around us that had "thigh gaps."  By this point in the conversation I was wondering if she'd been frequenting some thinspo sites online because it's unusual for non-eating-disordered people to use that term.  Then later she was talking about calorie content, how she often will only eat 500 calories a day, how she loves that her husband is so supportive of her weight loss, etc.  GAH!!!!

I tried to avoid both her and the conversation but it wasn't always possible.

I really don't think that my current state of mind is because of that.....but it certainly didn't help.

I'm doing really well with not purging and I'm really happy about that.  :)  I've only done it 3 or 4 times this month.....which is a BIG change from where I was.

Anyway.  I'm off to go beat the hell out of my treadmill with a rage run.  Work was stressful today and I could use some relief that doesn't involve alcohol.  

Monday, October 6, 2014

Giving up?

The last month has been.....um....eventful. I feel like writing, yet I don't feel like putting forth the effort it would take to fully explain. 

In a sense I suppose I'm admitting defeat. It might not be the manner of defeat that my friends hope for. 

I had the idea this afternoon that I need to stop trying so hard to remove bad behavior in my life. Instead, I'm going to go back to what I know best, which is a maintenance state. I know how to keep myself safe and still live with an eating disorder. I'm still going to pursue healing on a spiritual and emotional level. I want to just let the behavior go away on its' own.  In the meantime, would it be horribly wrong to hope I can maintain a fabulous restricting phase and whittle myself down another 20 pounds?  

I hate that I desire this disease so much. I'm tired of trying to understand it and I'm even more tired of trying to explain it. There are parts of my behavior that I haven't even told people about....things I can't even write about here because the shame is just too intense. 

Anyway. I can't exactly count today a success. Lunch was....I don't want to talk about that.....and then dinner i felt like I ate too much. Granted I still probably ate less today than any normal person. What kills me is that no matter the restricting I've done over the years or even in the last six monhs, i'm still only barely in the normal weight range for my height. I've destroyed my metabolism. 

Not gonna lie...I would love to have a day free from people to eat what i want and puke myself silly. *sigh*