Pages

Friday, September 26, 2014

Tired...

I'm tired. In all senses of the word. Sleepy. Sick of myself. Sick of the things I do, the things that I think. I'm sitting at the park close to work, blogging instead of purging. I keep telling myself that I can't keep doing this. I don't know if it's possible to stop though. No amount of scary moments will be enough to stop me once my mind is made up. This is depressing. 

Despite some online communities I still feel so isolated and alone in this. For a few short months I had actual people to talk to who knew the same chaos for themselves. Had even overcome it. 

This week has been the polar opposite of last week. Eating everything in sight. Destruction in excess. It's extreme but I kind of hate myself for it. I wish I could be easier on myself, actually allow myself a smidge of grace. 

Back to work I go. This day needs to hurry. I need a hot bubble bath and sleep.....hours upon hours of dream-filled sleep. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

O_o

Today has been....uh....a step backward might be a good way to put it.  Spent some time weeding out the cupboards of gross box food.  And by weeding out I mean eating and puking.  Gross.  I know.  I was in the middle of it when my husband came home from work earlier than expected.  I had to finish up a purge by faking a shower.  :(  I hate lying to him like that.  I'm not even sure why I try so hard to hide it from him.

So I spent the afternoon feeling super shaky and dehydrated.  My hands are numb and my face is puffy.....but at least I feel better!  Ha!

So now husband is in the kitchen concocting some insanely fat-filled dinner that I won't be able to purge.  My solution?  Get drunk so I won't think about it.  Aaaaanddd.....we've come full circle and I'm right back where I was a few weeks ago.  *sigh*  Except this time I'm 5 pounds lighter from restricting so much this week.  A small consolation.

nothingness

This week has been long.....and sad.

I've stayed away from blogging, mostly because I saw myself getting weird and obsessive.  It seems that all I write about is food, cutting, puking, drinking.  Hardly interesting.  BUT.  Maybe I need it.  Maybe I need to still get this shit out of my head even though it all revolves around bad behavior.

I've been restricting this week.  A lot.  Since last Sunday I've eaten twice.  I forced myself to eat a bowl of stir fried broccoli on Thursday.  Then yesterday I actually ate like a normal person....well, a normal amount of calories at least.  Ugh.  It felt like a binge but I think my body needed it.  I went for a grueling bike ride yesterday morning and I was exhausted and ravenous afterward.  In the entire history of my eating disorder I've never gone three whole days without food.  I hate to admit that it was exhilarating.  I also hate to admit that.....I want to do it again this week.

How did this start?  Well, Sunday afternoon I made up my mind that the chaos of purging/cutting/drinking HAS to stop.  Sunday was a tiny bit rough.  I ate, then struggled with the urge to get rid of it.  Every time I made the snap decision to do it, I got a text or a facebook message from a friend.  It got to the point where it was almost funny.  Kinda seemed like divine intervention.

Cue Monday.  I felt great at work.  Clear headed, energetic, happy.

One of my work friends called and said she'd be late.  I had a gut feeling something was wrong, even though this wasn't abnormal for her.  She got there a few hours later and e-mailed me right away that she needed to talk....and that it wasn't safe for e-mail.  So we found a private place to talk real quick.  She told me that she had considered suicide that morning.  (me: !!!!)  She said it felt like something else completely took over her mind and she went to a very dark place.  She found her boyfriends exacto blade, was looking at her arm.....ready to do it.  She snapped out of it, threw the blade down and called her boyfriend.  We talked through her reasoning and she came to the conclusion that she was feeling out of control in her life.  Things with her sister, her house, parents, etc......a lot of things are up in the air for her.  She's also going through a major diet change, moving from vegan to adding both meat and dairy to her diet.  (tough for somebody with ED history)  Her solution?  Quit work.  Wait.....what??!!!  Yeah.  I didn't fully understand why quitting work would help her fix all of these other issues but, it's what she did.  She marched into HR and told them she was leaving.  I got a text from her later saying she was on her way to see her parents out of state....and that she was most likely going to move there and possibly going to go back into her old eating disorder treatment place.

My reaction?  Well.  That sure happened fast.  I'm going to miss her.

I skipped lunch and dinner that day.  Lunch was on purpose, dinner was really just "forgotten."

On Tuesday another friend came to my desk and told me she gave notice that she was quitting.  She needs more money and room to advance.....and where we work, that just isn't going to happen.

I skipped lunch again (this is normal.....I rarely eat lunch).  I drank half a pot of coffee for dinner, then went for a blindingly fast three mile run to clear my head.

Wednesday:  Skipped lunch.  Skipped dinner....I forget my reason, but I had one.

Thursday:  My third friend suddenly quit work.  She has health issues and isn't able to work.  She decided to apply for disability instead.  I helped her clean out her desk.  It was brutal.  And sad.  I had to work through lunch.  I forced myself to eat dinner simply because I needed to be "smart" for the next day at work.

Honestly?  I wonder why I'm even writing all of this right now.  I should be vacuuming my house instead.  Or doing laundry.

In the space of one week ALL of my work friends are gone.  I hate to admit that I had really started to depend on having that support there.  It was very new for me, and refreshing.  Other employees commented how odd it was to see me actually leaving my desk throughout the day and being social.  The four of us talked, often.  We all had common issues and common questions about God and we held nothing back in our conversations.  Thankfully we have "mindless" jobs so we could entertain deep conversation and still get our work done.  Oddly enough, I worked better and faster when my mind was busy discussing things with them.  LOL!  I was starting to see myself let go of some things.  Every now and then I would eat lunch and let my friends be the distraction I needed to not purge.

So.  What now?  I hate to admit it but.....I feel kinda lost and alone.  I know that all three of them are doing the right thing for themselves.  I just hate that it had to happen all at once.  I'm terrified that we'll lose touch.  I know myself.....I'm absolutely awful at pursuing friendship.  I tend to only find friends where I am.....with people that I see on a consistent basis simply because life put us in the same place at the same time.

This doesn't make sense but part of me is pissed that I let myself get so close to them....because now I'll actually notice that they're gone.  Well, maybe not gone, just farther away than they have been.

In the meantime I've thrown myself headlong into a restricting phase.  I must say, it feels nice.  Comfortable.  Somehow it calms my mind.  I know that's fucked up, but it is what it is.  When I restrict it tends to be a solitary thing.  I can lose myself in a world of counting calories and planning ways to avoid food.....and I don't even notice the world around me.  I don't feel anything and yet I feel everything all at the same time.  Feeling becomes purely physical.  I feel only within my little space....a space that is hopefully becoming smaller and less obtrusive.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

friends, caring, traditional food, etc.....

This week has been SUCH a struggle.  I'm not sure why.  I overslept and was 2 1/2 hours late to work this morning.  Oops.  I was beyond hungover.  I completely blacked out last night.  I found a knife on my desk this morning.....apparently I tried to cut with it.  Thankfully I was unsuccessful.....the knife was completely dull. I think they make butter knives sharper than this knife.

I had a great day at work though.  One of my friends had a really trigger-happy day and was struggling to stop herself from purging and then from obsessing.  While I hate that she was struggling so much, I was grateful for a reason to not think about myself today.  I did tell her about what happened last night.  She practically attacked me with a hug when I got there this morning (followed by a flurry of apologies because she knows I hate to be touched, LOL!).  She said she had a gut feeling that something wasn't right with me last night and she was worried sick when I didn't show up this morning.  That kind of confused me for a minute.....it's just weird to me that another person would worry like that and be so visibly upset.

On the flip side, I find it weird that I'm actually starting to care about other people.  I know that sounds really cold....but it's true!  I feel like a bad friend sometimes.  It's been years since I allowed myself to care about another person.   My friend was pouring her little anguished heart onto my desk this afternoon and something inside me literally ached for her.  I hate that she struggles so much with food and with loving herself and her body.  She's SO very young to be dealing with some of the shit life is throwing at her right now.  This must be what it feels like to be a big sister.  LOL!  I would totally take on some thugs and blacken some eyes for this girl.

SO.  On a totally different note.......my dad has decided to become a Mennonite.....and he and my mom are joining a Menno church soon.  I'm not completely sure how I feel about this.  Most of my bad church/god ideas came from the baptist church I was raised in, not the Mennonite church I went to with my grandparents.  Honestly, most of the Mennonite influence in my life was cultural, not religious.  I kind of miss it, to be honest.  I would do just about anything right now to hear somebody talk to me in low german!!!  I was never good at speaking it but I can understand it pretty well.

I've been googling Ukraininan recipes all night.  My grandparents were Ukrainian and most of the Menno food that I grew up with is Ukrainian/Russian.  OMG.  I think I might have to ignore some food issues for awhile so that I can revisit some old comfort foods.  :)  I think that borscht and zweiback might actually BE heaven when combined.  :)  I have some borscht in my freezer.  I think I might have to thaw some for dinner tomorrow.  Too bad I don't have any zweiback or schnitke to go with it.  Technically I could make schnitke tomorrow night.....hmmmm.......

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

About last night.....

Well last night was....uh.....yeah. At what point did I decide it was a good idea to pop some pills and chase it with vodka?  I don't even know what they were. I feel kinda bad because they were my husband's. He hasn't done that stuff in years, he is strictly alcohol now so he said he didn't care if I took them. He isn't going to buy more though and that's probably a good thing for me. Ugh. I really need to stay reeeeally far away from that path. It was fun when that was the only thing I took. It got ugly when I threw alcohol into the mix. Why am I being so reckless????

I'm glad I didn't cut or purge last night though. Honestly the only reason I didn't cut was because I had nothing to do it with and I was too fucked up to even find anything. 

It seems like thinking about god and the bible is what triggered this?  Weird. Usually family triggers me. 

Why did I buy vodka?  I thought I was not drinking?  Yeah......


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Bible discrepancies...wasted rambling

Wow!  I'm so wasted.  :)  I really should stop this "extra-curricular" shit.  :)  It probably isn't healthy. I keep telling myself that if it isn't alcohol then it's okay.  Ha!  Yeah.

I have a million things I want to write about.....yet I think I might actually be too fucked up to make any sense at all.  *sigh*  Maybe that's a sign that this shit is important to me, despite how I minimize it?  Meh.  Then again.....maybe if I'm fucked up I'll be able to actually write?

So.....

omg....I think I'm too fucked up to type.


Okay.  Here we go.

The Bible.  I don't get it.  How is it that a few humans can be "inspired" by God to the extent that they don't make any errors?  That scares the shit out of me.  Humans should not be trusted, ever.

Dammit....I'm way too messed up right now to actually be intellectual about this.  I really do struggle with this though.  I don't trust scripture.  It scares me when other people around me put so much trust in it.....to the extent that they build their lives around it.

I haven't been able to "stomach" church lately.  I've flaked out on both Sunday service and a small group thing.....mostly because I'm just too freaked out right now.  I don't know what triggered it really.....other than the fact that this fear/weirdness has always been there.  For the last few months I've been suppressing and ignoring it.

How is it that God can inspire historical humans to write "scripture that is God-breathed" and......somehow they don't make ANY errors.......and yet.....what about the rest of humanity?  How can other humans be faulty, despite their claims to be hearing from God?  What's the difference between them and the historical guys?

Urgh.....I have so much more to say.....yet I"m way too fucked up to say anything.  *sigh*

Maybe tomorrow.

Monday, September 8, 2014

rambling about Atheism, church, etc.

I've been in a really aggressive mood all day.  It's not a bad aggressive, maybe more like rebellious aggressive.  When I step back a little I can see....I know exactly what I'm doing.  My walls are up, so to speak.  I'm willing myself to be tough and un-emotional, completely without feeling (preferably without the aid of extracurricular substances).  The good side of this is that it gives me a reprieve from food and cutting issues.  Honestly, I haven't had any urge at all since Sunday morning.  (wait....wow.....that was only yesterday morning.  Damn.  It's only been a day???)

See....THIS is how I was as an Atheist.  Occasionally I had food issues but it never involved purging.   I wasn't so obsessive or bent on hurting myself like I have been lately.  I didn't need all of that stuff.....why?  Because my walls were up against God and people?  For the most part I was happy.  I was learning how to love myself.  I was realizing that not believing in God doesn't mean that I'm an evil, mean-hearted person.  I think I was starting to find out who I really was on the inside.....and actually accepting and liking what I found.

So why are my walls up again all of a sudden?  **I've been staring at my computer for 5 full minutes now**  I have no idea why my walls are up.  Do I care?  Does it matter?  Should I care?

What if the last 5 months have been just a pointless wandering?  I wouldn't have the scars on my arm.....and my legs and stomach wouldn't be all gashed up.  I certainly don't mind the 40 pounds I lost, but that came with a lot of stress and heartache, and at what cost to my body?  Purging and starving just isn't healthy.   Maybe the suddenly strained relationship with my family would never have happened had I not decided to pursue the idea of God again.

I still think there's a strong possibility that God exists.  Proof will never happen.  I can't deny that I've asked for and gotten dreams.  I can't explain that.  It could be God.  It could be my own mind.  It could be a little of both....or something entirely different.  Either way.....I accept the dreams as a good thing, no matter their source.  Dreams have always taught me more about myself, even the scary ones.

I've been going to church for several months now.  Church, the Bible, doctrine, theology.....all of these things seem really man-made.  I'm also not convinced that any of them are necessary or even good.

Granted, I have friends now.  I've found out that there are people in this world capable of, and willing to give a shit about me.  They don't care because of God though.  They care because they are actually kind and friendly.  Honestly, I'd be concerned if they only cared because of God.

Christianity gives people such skewed motives.  I hate it when people are more willing to trust somebody simply because they claim to be a Christian.  I think I've gotten lucky and stumbled onto really awesome people that just happen to believe in God in a way that I can't.

So I'm back to wondering.....where am I on this whole God thing?  Tonight I'm leaning more toward the idea that God can't be defined or explained.  He's not a physical thing.  He could be a thought or an idea.....?  I'm not sold on the existence of Jesus.  Stories in the Bible are great, sure.....fabulous teaching for life skills.  The idea of the Trinity?  Eh....I don't know.  What's the difference between God the "Father" and the Holy Spirit?

It's silly to me, to think that anybody can be fully sure about God.


Funday Monday

Today was a pretty great day.....even though I got pretty messed up last night.  Pills apparently affect me a bit differently than alcohol does.  I slept great and I felt great when I woke up.  I'm definitely not going to make that a habit though.  I should feel bad for it but I really don't.  The only part I feel bad about is getting super honest and over-sharing with a friend online.....plus a couple of freak-out revealing e-mails.  Urgh.  Oh well.  I figure that it's in my head anyway, may as well get it out and acknowledge that it's there.  My friend was just as messed up as I was though, plus we didn't talk about anything we wouldn't already talk about sober.  My husband joined in but he was only drinking.  Now that I think about it though, he and I just hung out and played music and laughed over silly stuff.  Yeah.....wow.  I'm SO scattered and disorganized today.  Totally not like me.  Maybe I really needed a night like that.  I don't know.

Work was kinda slow today so we spent chunks of time in deep conversation about dreams, facing food fears, facing church and God fears.  Yesterday and today I've been thinking really hard about how I relate to God and why it's so hard sometimes.  Thinking didn't really get me any answers.....just understanding, I guess.  I'm not ready to put any of it into actual words on a page yet.....still thinking through it.


Sunday, September 7, 2014

oh......I'm loopy

Wow.  So....that whole not drinking thing?  Kyle and I have been self-medicating together tonight.  I have no idea what I took.  I think two sleeping pills and a ......?  Something round and white....and terrible tasting.  Pretty sure I'll sleep tonight.  That was kind of the point I guess.  Whatever it is that I wanted to forget.....has definitely been forgotten.  Funny how I'm so incredibly fucked up and yet I have no desire to cut or do anything destructive.  Damn.  Whatever this stuff is....it's good.  Wrong....but good

Wheeee!  Off to bed I go.  :)




Saturday, September 6, 2014

write.write.write....BOOM!

I have no words.  Argh!  I feel like purging.  I feel like cutting too.  I would love to get completely wasted right now and numb this weirdness.  I'm not even sure I can call it a feeling.  So here I am.  Writing to distract myself and hopefully figure out where this is coming from.

Stream of consciousness writing wouldn't be so hard if my mind would stop spinning for just one second.

I'm making coffee.  Decaf.  Yuck.  My husband made dinner tonight.  It was healthy, I think.  It was VERY carnivorous.  Immediately afterward I wanted to purge.  Before I ate anything today....even before he came home from work, I thought about cutting.  I had nothing to cut with, but the urge was strong nonetheless.  It just occurred to me that the idea of cutting struck right around 6:00.....I was feeling the beginning of the "evening weirdness" and I had to slam the blinds shut.

In the midst of the cutting idea I had a thought.  It's strange to put words to it because the words sound wrong.  I can't deny that it's there though, despite the addition of words.  I don't think I'm a good person.  This is completely separate from the Christian concept of sinners needing salvation.  Or is it?  I used to shove this feeling away by telling myself that God changed this in me....that He made me good, that was part of what being a Christian meant.  I don't think this is related though.
I think it has more to do with the idea that I'm even worth saving to begin with.  Harsh, I know.

I feel really guilty for pushing my family away so suddenly and absolutely for the last few months.  My mom has been hinting on facebook about this. She posted a picture/slogan of some really sad people in wheelchairs staring out a window......saying " They didn't leave you when you were young, so don't leave them when they are old "  Are you fucking kidding me??!!!    Oh wow.  So I guess I found my trigger?  Hmm.

As soon as I saw that I was mad.  Does she seriously think that she never left me??  How about the fact that she regularly left me in hospital waiting rooms in the care of STRANGERS!!!  Obviously I don't remember it as a baby but I have vague memories of it as an older toddler.  My mom said I was always so well behaved that she never worried about me.  Um....why not worry about the behavior of the strangers you left me with, rather than my behavior?  She thought that just because somebody looked safe that they actually were safe.  Not even kidding.  We've discussed this.  She said she would pick the grandma types to leave me with.....and that they always just loved me to pieces.  Somehow this never made me feel better about it.  Whatever.  I don't remember it anyway, right?  When I was older (like....5 years old) she'd just leave me by myself in the waiting room.  I had the medical center pretty much memorized.  I knew where all the best play areas were and I vividly remember using the elevator like an amusement park ride.  It's not like this was a small place.  It was a three story building, with a basement.  I never caused trouble.  I'm sure that's why nobody ever said anything about it.  I wasn't the type of kid that ran around screaming or getting into things.  I just quietly walked around, exploring.....looking at things, watching people.

It bothers me that she's guilt tripping me.  She genuinely misses me and wants to hear from me, I know that.  I don't really know what to do about it.  I feel like a bad daughter because what I really want to do is block her and my entire family from facebook/e-mail/texting.....everything.  Everybody.  All of them.  At least for awhile.  *sigh*

It seems like I'm overreacting.  Worse things can happen to a kid.  Why would I punish myself so much over being left alone a lot as a kid....especially when the result wasn't physically tragic?   I think the actual abandonment/neglect is underneath it.  My true reason is what I think about myself.....and what I think about myself has come from my experience in life, whether I like it or not.
I feel like I'm forgettable.  I'm not important enough to warrant attention or care....which translates into love.  I absolutely hate drawing attention to myself, yet I squirm with (albeit uncomfortable) delight when people show the slightest hint of caring about me.  And then I feel guilty.....thinking I'm being too needy.  GAH!  Wow.  The mind-games!

I really should just go to bed now.  The destructive urge isn't gone, even after writing about this.

64 degrees + rain = BLISS

It's raining.  And kinda chilly outside.  Nobody will ever truly know HOW happy a simple weather change like this can make me.  I loathe hot weather.  I think it might even affect my angst levels sometimes.  LOL!

My husband has to work all day.  Normally that gives me too much freedom to be destructive but honestly.....I don't even have the desire today.  I hope it's because I'm finding sanity and peace.  I know yesterday's purge is a small part of it.  I'm glad I stopped when I did but I can't deny that it gave me a little satisfaction.  I was craving that relief all week.

I splurged and got some fancy coffee creamer.  I haven't allowed myself something like this in....uh.....6 months or so?  I hate starting my day with so many calories.  BUT.  This stuff is absolutely delicious!

My coffee/work friends are all going to the eating disorder support group today.  I just can't do it.  Sad, because I was the one pushing so hard for all of us to go.  Traditional groups and treatment have never worked for me.  What I have now is working.  Texting or calling people who can't really relate actually gives me the boost I need to climb off the ledge, so to speak.  I stay away from leaning on my ED friends when I'm angsty though.  I'm scared I'll drag them down or make them worse somehow.....despite how many times they tell me that they'll be okay.  I'm glad that they're all going though.  My EDNOS friend in particular.  I've been a little worried about her.  She's a strict vegan and recently decided to add dairy to her diet.  This is a huge step for her.  I'm envious of her strength in this.  Even though she's struggling physically and mentally she's not backing away from her fear.

So why can't I do that?  I don't have any specific foods that I have deemed unsafe.  I just can't eat around people.  I wonder how much this really has to do with my eating disorder.  I've had this phobia since I was a kid.  It ebbs and flows though. It seems like for years it will just be a nervousness in the back of my head.....and then for awhile it will be completely crippling.  Maybe it's just part of being socially awkward and introverted?

I feel like now is the time for me to start overcoming this.  AAHHH!!!  Did I really just say that?

I can see how all of the tools are there....the situation in my life right now is perfect for this.  I have regular exposure to healthy, non-triggering food in social situations.  I have this both at work and outside of work.  I have friends who understand, some out of love and some out of experience.  These friends are also relentless about inviting me in.  I tell my work friends.....it might take me a few months, but please don't stop inviting me out for lunch.  One of these days I'll actually do it.



Friday rollercoaster...wheee!

Today was an absolute rollercoaster!  I find it amusing that people in my life right now keep reminding me that I simply can't do this alone.  Obviously I can't pull myself out of my current situation alone.....but it dawned on me today that I will still need people beyond that.  Today at work it seemed like I couldn't catch a break from people.  It was a good thing though.  Yesterday it was making me cranky but today it was totally different.  As unwarranted as I think it is....I have to admit that it doesn't feel terrible.  It seems like everywhere I go I'm being pulled out of my shell....my cold dark places are being exposed and I think I'm thawing a little.

The wind is howling outside.  I love it!!!  I wish it was winter.  :)  I'm a total snow-bunny and I LONG for the blistering cold air.  Mentally and emotionally I'm always at my best in the winter.  I know it's weird.  I have the reverse of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  LOL!

Work was more hectic than normal.  I had to stay an hour late and I was exhausted.  No food since...uh...Wednesday?  And even then it was small and I burned off a lot by running.  O_o  So yeah, I had a few dizzy moments today.  My brain was fried because I got stuck doing a lot of fast-paced number crunching and organizing.  It sucked but it ended up being pretty satisfying once I finished.

So I get home and my husband has pizza waiting.  @$%!  It was NOT healthy.  Pizza is a total trigger food for me.  I didn't go crazy, just ate two pieces and panicked.  I told my husband I was going to take a bath and then puked.  *sigh*  I don't regret it, but I'm not happy that I did it either.  Mostly I'm mad at myself for breaking the rule of purging while he's awake and sober.  Normally that's something I do when he's not home, I'm away from home, or he's drunk and passed out.  

When I purge, it's not normally just to get rid of a meal.  It starts with that but then it turns into hours of doing it over and over.  Tonight absolutely would have turned into that had I not stopped when I did.  So I took a cold shower (because I'd used up the hot water to cover the sound of purging....oops) and took my angsty butt to a game night with a group from church.

How's THAT for a total game changer.  Yeah.  I had been nervous anyway because I knew I couldn't mentally handle showing up running so low on food.  I get super stupid when I haven't eaten for a few days.  Eating there is not an option because I'm still too freaked out about eating in front of anybody other than my husband.  Honestly, I wish I'd gone sooner.  :)  I had SO much fun.  It's obvious my exposure to games is limited since the only one I even remotely recognized was pictionary.

I was thinking on my way home tonight that I can count on one hand the situations in my family where I was truly happy and family game nights was one of them.  We didn't do it often, but when we did it was always fun.

So the rollercoaster continued once I got home.  My husband was absolutely belligerent!!!!  He was drunk, yelling, throwing things.  I guess I underestimated his shitty day at work.  The whole time I was gone, he'd been stewing over it and getting crazy drunk.  This is not a good combo for him.  He tends to, um, explode when he does that.  I'm worried about him.  I wish I could fix his work issues but I can't.  I don't even have any advice for him.  All I do is listen.  Eventually he calmed down long enough to drop into bed and pass out.  Holy shit, this man can snore!!!  I hope he sleeps well after all of this.  Poor guy has to actually work tomorrow.

Anyway.  My eyelids are drooping down to my keyboard.  I need sleep.  Now.  Deep, weekend sleep.  :)

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Post #2 already?

I'm sitting in my favorite "purge spot" on my lunch break. I'm not eating anything, which means I have nothing to purge. I feel off today, not comfortable in my own skin. That seems to be every day. I think I'm noticing it more now because I'm so determined to avoid cutting, purging or drinking. All of those things seem to fix that feeling. 

I would love to just stay in bed and be sad and mopey today. I can't seem to find a way to be alone though. Even my lunch spot is over run with people. Sheesh!  Normally I'm the only one here. I guess it's good I decided not to eat because purging would have been tricky. 

I can feel myself avoiding something with this. I can't completely put my finger on it because my head is so wrapped up with thinking about the surface behavior. 

There are two girls at work that I regularly talk to when I'm struggling with food related things. It's nice having that at work. Neither of them are there today though. I keep having this sinking feeling that this is going to end soon. It always does. As soon as I let my guard down and trust people.....they leave. Often it's just circumstancial....but it sucks nonetheless. I used to think that God was just trying to get me to trust Him rather than people. I still think that could be the case. Everybody keeps telling me that I can't do this alone though. So which is it??  I don't want to invest so much in a friendship if God is just going to yank it away and demand I trust Him instead. 

super fast angsty rambling.....

I'm not really a morning person.  Well.....I don't mind being awake in the morning.....I just need to be quiet in the mornings.  I don't want music, talking, nothing.  I need total silence and solitude.

So this morning, driving to work I'm super emotional, freaking out over being too real with people and letting people getting to know me and thinking too hard about the fact that people tend to only be in my life for a season and right now I don't know if I'm prepared for that "season" to end....or even IF it will soon.  I don't know.  Total brain dribble right now because I need to vent and I only have 10 minutes to get this out before I have to go back to work.

I hadn't even sat down at my desk yet this morning and I'm hit with a wavery old lady voice telling me something I did wrong the day before.  GAH!!!  Really?  Can I please just put my stuff away, clock in and get some coffee before you lay into me?  Ugh.  All morning it's been like this.  I just want to be alone in my corner and not think about or talk to people.

As for food?  Uh....I'm trying to decide if I even have the energy to think about or plan food today.

Yesterday wasn't a total fasting day but I felt good going to bed.  I didn't track calories but it was under 500.  I went for a MUCH needed anxiety induced 3 mile run last night too.  :)  I slept like a baby other than the two times that I suddenly woke up and had to go weigh myself.  Welcome to my insane eating disordered obsession.  Who does that?  Seriously.  I wonder if other people with ED's ever do that....

I kind of know where this morning's feeling is coming from but I don't have the time (or energy) to write about it right now.

K.  Back to work I go.  *sigh*

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Whiteknuckly Tuesday

Three days without purging OR cutting.  I think I'm going insane!  I almost didn't make it through lunch without purging.  It was tense. I was afraid it would happen automatically just because I was thinking so hard about it.   I've eaten mostly normal since Saturday.  I feel SO bloated and uncomfortable.  My body is forcing me to acknowledge it's existence right now.  I skipped dinner tonight, even though I know it isn't healthy.  I just couldn't deal with the anxiety, especially when I want so badly to purge.

Urgh.  Even writing isn't helping.  Why can't I just be a soul.....without a body?  Not dead, just.....not physical.  It's not a vanity thing with me.

Where is this coming from?  At lunch today, while texting a friend and thinking through it I think I nailed my trigger down to shame/guilt and control.  Both purging and drinking relieves anxiety.  Right now, I'm committed to doing neither one.  I can't even think straight right now, my mind is spinning and reeling.  I don't know how to deal with myself, with what I feel and think.  I chucked my razor blades so all I have left is purging.

I'm sore from being so tense.  I wish I could just relax.  *sigh*

I"m tired of talking about this.  I really hope this feeling goes away tomorrow.  Surely this can't last forever.


Monday, September 1, 2014

feeling....FEELING

I don't want to be feeling right now.  At all.  I don't have any destructive urge right now though, I just don't want to be, I don't know.

I'm restless.  And sad...and sorta weepy.  I wonder if I'm just hormonal or if this emotion is tied to everything I'm thinking about?  I'm feeling a little alone in this.  Is this how I felt when I was younger?  Is this what I've tried so hard to deny and forget?

I don't remember reaching out to God when I felt like this years ago.  The angel on my shoulder tells me that's what I'm supposed to do.  Honestly, I'm not sure I have the courage to ask.

I keep meaning to go back over last night's dream.  With all of the thoughts about my mom and the loneliness thing, I think I'm going to save it for later.  Right now, I think I'm going to go self-medicate with a super hot shower, then Netflix and nail polish.

the beginning, and lonliness

I was just sitting outside, thinking.  Something about the sun, the heat, the sounds.....it's really familiar.  It reminds me of summer days after my sister moved out.  I was 10 or 11 years old.  By this time I was used to being alone a lot but not this much.  My sister didn't just move out....she got a job at a girl scout camp 4 hours away.  I only talked to her once or twice a week.  My dad would come home at lunch, it was my responsibility to cook for him because my mom worked full time.  She was on the road a lot so she often wouldn't be home the entire day until really late.  I wasn't allowed to leave the house or have friends over unless one of my parents was home.....so I was just.....alone.

It was a really lonely time in my life, even though I don't like to be around people much.  I was restless.  I remember wandering around the house sometimes, bored, not sure what to do with myself.

I don't fully remember my thought process in the beginning of my eating disorder.  My gut is telling me that loneliness played a part.  It gave me something to focus on, something to do while my parents were working.  I had a goal to achieve.  I kept myself on a strict schedule.  I always had to be up before my dad, even in the summer.  My mom didn't want me to "sleep all day" so I was never allowed to sleep in, even if there wasn't school.  As soon as they left for work I would go back to bed for a few hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep.  Then, I would get up and exercise in between doing the list of chores that my mom left for me.  At 11:45 on the dot I would start cooking my dad's lunch.  He'd be home at 12:05.  I never ate with him, always told him that I ate breakfast late or that I wasn't hungry.  After he ate, he napped.  I washed the dishes.  As soon as he left for work again I would spend two hours running laps around the field behind our house and alternately working in the garden or running into the house to keep laundry going.  3:00 was my stopping point when I could let myself relax and watch tv.  At 4:45 if my mom wasn't home that day I would start cooking dinner for my dad.

Something about the heat and the wind today reminded me of running laps around the field.  I didn't mind that it was hot....in fact, I figured it was better because I would sweat more, lose more water weight.  Even more vivid than that though is the memory of just how lonely I really was.

horrifying dream about my dad

In the news there had been stories of military going into classrooms and orphanages, mowing down children with machine guns.  These were rogue military and nobody seemed to know who they were or how to catch them.  I was in my childhood bedroom and I heard them break into the basement (the one that didn't have a lock on the door).  There were three rooms that had kids sleeping.  I heard screams, shooting, then silence.  When they got to my room I hid...and survived.

Later after they left I heard my dad coming down the stairs.  I jumped up and hid behind my door.  I saw him through the crack and he had a gun.  I was horrified because I had no idea that he was one of them.  He was coming downstairs looking for survivors.....looking for me.  I knew he would kill me if he found me.  He stole my cell phone and took it with him.

I waited until he was upstairs asleep.  I found my phone and snuck outside with it, through the front door (not a door we ever used).  I was terrified he would hear me calling.  I called 911 and told them that I was the only survivor of the shooting last night, that my dad was one of them and to please send somebody to pick me up.  I begged the woman on the phone to please stay with me, don't hang up until the police got there.

I stayed on the phone with her and hid underneath the front porch.  My dad and a bunch of the other men came outside.  I could see them but they couldn't see me.  They had a big black dog with them that saw me.  The dog didn't do anything to give away my location though.

I saw two police cars park in the street.  I crawled out from hiding and ran toward them at full speed.  They locked me in the backseat and I felt immediate relief and safety.  The cop got in and drove away with me right away.  I was surprised about that.  I was anxious, thinking I would have to stay around and watch what happened with my dad and the arrest.  I was relieved though that he was immediately taking me away from the situation.

I suddenly realized that I was wearing pajamas (not ones you'd wear in public).  I told him we had to go back because I needed to pack a bag.  I asked him what I was supposed to do now.  If my dad was in jail, then I had nothing.  No family, no place to live.  I betrayed my dad and lost everything.  He told me I could do anything.  I could find a place of my own or he could help set me up with another family.  I suddenly realized that I was old enough to be on my own, that I could legally get my own place.  I was delighted by this idea.

Later, before my dad's trial I talk to my mom and sister.  They feel like I betrayed them.  They don't have a dad or husband because of what I did.  I worry that I did the wrong thing.  I worry that my dad didn't really kill any of those kids or that he wasn't trying to kill me.  I overhear my mom getting a phone call update on how my dad is doing in jail.  He's gotten his old job back, making 45 cents an hour.  Each phone call costs him 45 cents though.  He had a medical exam done and it looks like he's currently being beaten up and raped......the exam also proves that this happened to him the last time he was in jail.  I remember when he would start telling me the story of how the boys in highschool cornered him and did something to him that he can't talk about.  I worry that I just put him BACK in that situation.

****************

So.  Heavy dream.  I'll edit this more later and add thoughts to it.   Last night's feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin has hung around.  My muscles are actually sore from being so tense yesterday.  I'm going back to bed.....