Sunday, August 31, 2014

rambling about my mom

Getting sleepy sucks when you don't drink.  O_o

All day I keep having snippets of things that I really need to write about....then as soon as I get my phone or computer out they slip away.

I'm really uncomfortable right now.  Mentally, physically, everything.  I don't want to be in my own skin.  A friend told me a couple of days ago....Ang, no matter how many cuts you make it's still going to be you inside.  *sigh*  I don't think I'm comfortable with being me.  Not that I even know who that is.  If I'm not comfortable with who I am inside, then it stands to reason that it would be much easier to focus on molding, shaping and abusing the outside.

I've always felt like I need to stifle who I am.  I'm excessive, too much, too emotional, too passionate, too animated.  My family has always dismissed this side of me.  For years they actively shushed me.  They don't bother now, but I try to turn down the volume a little just so I don't stir anything up.

AND.....cue in desire to drink!  And obsessive thoughts about controlling food for the week.  Sheesh.

I'm sad that I've never had much of an emotional connection to either of my parents.  My mom and I are close but it's a weird type of close.  It's shallow.  I feel like I know who she is, but she doesn't know me.  It isn't for lack of trying on my part.  It's difficult to have a deep conversation with her about anything.  She's the type of person that is inspired by slogans and sayings....bumper sticker Christianity.  When I graduated highschool she made a big deal out of give me a book filled with this stuff.  It was all handwritten, lots of clippings from newspapers, things she'd copied out of books.  This is horrible of me but I had to fake excitement over this.  Honestly?  I just don't get it.  Nothing is ever simple with me.  You can't just reduce a big concept into one sentence.  Slogans can't be one size fits all.  People, situations.....these change!  A smattering of words can't apply in each case, no matter what.

My mom has a hard time imagining how anyone could possibly think differently than she does.  I don't think it's anything intentional on her part, it's just how she is.  It's frustrating to me though.  She has absolutely no interest in finding out what other people think about things.  What I think about things.  Even if what I said mattered, it would be pointless to tell her unless it lined up with her own views.

A lot of the things my mom and I did revolved around food.  My dad is incredibly picky about food and a lot of my mom's favorite foods are things he refuses to even try.  Mom and I would sneak away from the house at 10:00 at night and go to Sonic for onion rings.  Summer afternoons we went out for Chinese food.  I don't remember spending a lot of time with my mom.  Right now I'm trying to think of things we used to do together and I just can't think of anything other than sneaking away for food that my dad doesn't like.  She assumes that I like all of the same things that she likes.  What she seems to not see is that I've always gone along with whatever she wants simply because I like my mom.....not because I like what she likes.  Does that even make sense?  Now, as adults, if we do something together it's because it's something that she enjoys doing.  I can't ever remember us doing something that I was interested in doing.  She's never suggested that and I've always assumed it wouldn't be worth the effort anyway.  She hates being outside, hates camping, hates anything that even resembles physical activity.  Maybe that's why we never did anything together?

We have completely different taste in movies and books, but she doesn't know that.  She'll bust out with "OH would just love this book that I just read."  Come to find out it's some cheesy christian romance novel.  *gag*  I try to talk about a book or movie that I'm into and she just can't engage in the conversation because she can't appreciate or understand my interests apart from hers.

I wish that she would try to get to know me.  She was shocked to find out that I liked to read horror and sci-fi books.  I wish she would ask me why.  I wish she would push deeper and ask me to tell her what I think about what I read....what I feel about it.  Instead she just kinda shakes her head.  Deep down I know that she genuinely cares about me because she's my mom.  I think our relationship is probably very satisfying to her.  I'm guessing she has no idea how I feel about it though.

So i'm sitting at church. Shaking. Wondering why I'm even here. This is awkward. I was thinking on my way here about how I feel like I just don't belong in church and my thoughts almost immediately turned to food. I started planning my week. Wonder what that's all about? I forgot my sweatshirt. Dammit!  That thing is like my security blanket. I rarely go anywhere without it. 

God feels distant today. I'd venture to say that today I am an atheist but I'm not sure I can really say that anymore. I've caught myself a few times today asking God......where are you in this?  I say it with a grimace almost. 

I was finally able to relax this afternoon. I had to close mysel off in the bedroom and turn on a fan for noise. Every little noise was making me jump. It was rough. 


I'm having total anxiety overload today. I don't know if I have words for it. My heart hurts. Not my physical heart, obviously.

I want to stop drinking. I drink to numb and to forget and avoid. I don't completely know what I'm trying to avoid. A lot of destructive nights start with writing. Instead of drinking I want to push through and write about what I'm thinking. Maybe I can write my way through it and learn something about myself and why I do what I do. Or is that a bad idea?  Maybe I should find physical/mental distractions instead?  I'm worried that writing will start bringing things out that make me feel the need to self-medicate.  Whatever.  I'll wing it.

So why do I feel restless today?  I'm worried about going to church tonight. I feel like I'm away from my husband too much. I hate that my family's issues leak out all over him. I try to protect him from that. I think my parents love him more than they love me. I also think their love is fake. I don't think they approve of my marriage to him since he isn't a believer and we lived togeher first. My dad specifically seems over accepting. I know that doesn't make sense. Like when somebody is trying too hard to convince themselves of something so they keep repeating it over and over. It's like my dad is trying too hard and it comes across as fake. 

He does the same thing when he tells me how much he loves my mom. It's not very believable. Why does he even need to tell me how much he loves her anyway?  Why not tell her instead. Weird. 

So this anxiety is just gonna hang around me all day I suppose.  Earlier I tried to sleep and i was just too tense. My muscles literally would not relax. That's another reason I drink. 

My skin was crawling and I just felt creepy and unsafe. I used to get that feeling a lot when I first moved away from my parents. I can't fall asleep unless I'm on my back. If I'm on my side My skin crawls and I feel exposed and tense. If something or somebody touches my back while I'm laying like that I come totally unglued. Drinking makes that feeling go away. Before I was married I had to always have my bed in a corner pushed against the wall. My mom never allowed that. She just didn't like it. As I write that i seems weird to me that she would require so much control over how the furniture in MY room was arranged. Hhmmm. So anyway. When I was out on my own I had to have my bed against the wall and I had an absurd amount of pillows that I would use to build a fort around myself.  Some nights, the ONLY way I could fall asleep is if I had my back to the wall and completely sheltered with pillows.

I'm eating carrots right now.  I hate eating before church.  Something about it just feels so wrong, so unclean.  I'm trying not to be weird about it and dissect them into little bits.  Why do people with eating disorders do that?  I've done that my entire life.  I remember as a kid I would do that (before I even considered anything disordered).  It drove my mom crazy.

Friday, August 29, 2014

no idea what to eat....

For the last half hour I've been debating on what to eat.....or IF I want to eat.  I could very easily make today a fasting day and have a very clean week of every other day eating.  My head wants me to eat though.  My husband isn't hungry.  I had an idea for something that sounded good that I could pick up from somewhere (because I'm not in the mood to cook) and I looked up the nutrition info online.  
OMG.  HOLY FREAKING CRAP!!  1250 calories and 100 grams of fat
That's hundred grams of fat!!

That's a purge session just waiting to happen.  Even just looking at that info made the idea pop into my head that it would be oh so satisfying.

I need to decide quick if I'm going to cook something.  If I let it get too late....and my husband goes to bed before I do....then I'll end up spending the whole night eating and puking.  Even on the way home I started feeling angsty.  Friday nights are notoriously hard for me to stay sane.  I don't know why.

Off to the kitchen I go.  *sigh*

Thursday, August 28, 2014

post run rambling

I feel better now, sort of.  I'm still angsty, just not as bad.  I feel like I'm mentally flailing a little.  Okay, a lot.  Earlier this week God felt so present, so real.  Somehow between yesterday and today God has become just a mythical mist again.

I have all of this stuff in my head right now and I can't seem to unlock it...let it out.  Not necessarily serious stuff.

My size 10 jeans are baggy on me.  I remember buying them when I weighed 160 pounds and wanted motivation to lose weight.  Back then I was doing it the healthy way.  Ha!  That was 5 years ago I think?  In the last 4 months I've been able to fit into them....and now they don't even fit.  I need to go shopping.  I hate shopping though.  I keep looking at myself and thinking I don't look any different.  I'm not smaller.  The only way I know that I've lost any weight is by the scale or by trying on clothes that I know used to fit.

Work was super productive today.  Odd how fasting seems to make me more focused at work.  One of my coworkers told me I looked like a little tornado tearing around the warehouse.

I feel sort of depressed tonight and I don't really know why.  I can't help but think that I'll feel better once I get into the swing of things tomorrow.


I haven't eaten since Tuesday night....before that it was Sunday.  O_0     I know this is not healthy and I really struggle to have any desire to stop.

BUT....I'm eating tonight.  I don't know what yet....husband is cooking and taking any decision out of it for me.  I guess technically it won't be two days since I'm eating tonight.  Bleh!  I'm hoping it will be angst free.  I won't really have the option to purge so I'm just going to have to deal with it.  I can easily not eat tomorrow and Saturday so I'm not going to worry too much.

How sad.  I literally have nothing else to talk about but this.  It's consuming my mind.

**EDIT** comes the angst!  GAH!  I had an opportunity to purge but I passed it up.  I've been fidgety and nervous all evening.  This sucks.  Food should not make people feel this way!

I'm not tracking anything, so that makes me nervous...not knowing exactly how much I ate.  I feel bloated though.  :(

I'm going to go for a run.... 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I made it a whopping two days without drinking to fall asleep (or to numb).  Tonight it's simply to go to sleep.  I have nothing to numb because I'm actually still in a good mood.  ha!

I'm torn though because I think my good mood  might be partially fake.  I've had nothing but coffee since Sunday.  Even Sunday I restricted and stayed under 200 calories.  Oddly enough I've been super focused at work.  That's good.  I needed to make up for last week.....and the week before that.

I'm drinking tonight though.  Hard stuff!  Much less than normal though.  Booze has calories, can't forget that.  One of the few things I hate about restricting is the weird indecisive mindset I get about food.  Everything seems like too much and I can't decide on anything.  I'm always afraid that if I'll start, I won't be able to stop.....and then I'll end up stuck in a month-long binge/purge cycle.

Before I started this I was thinking really hard about.....and genuinely trying to stop purging and cutting.  This just seems so different because my mindset is different.  I'm not caught in a desperate panic situation so I have no idea how to ask for help....or even what help would look like.  I'm not completely sure what flipped the switch for this either.  I didn't even have to ease into it.  Normally I reduce my calories slowly over a week or two and THEN I'll add fasting days.  This time I started fasting immediately.  I feel fine though.  It's oddly easy.

Part of me....deep down....knows that this isn't right.

I have to be careful though, that I don't restrict so much that I fall into a binge.  Fasting for too long can literally make you insane.  I've found that if I actually still eat every day I can restrict longer and lose more.  But NO that's not the point here.  Yet it is.  *sigh*  Welcome to my fucking crazy world.

It's incredibly dangerous for me to be drinking when I've had no solid food since Sunday.  Typically that ends with me destroying my kitchen, puking until I see blood, then cutting to ease the shame of that......and calling in sick to work.  But I won't do that this time.  I won't!

contacts dream and running

Last night I had the dreaded "big contact" dream.  These dreams are always so frustrating!  My contacts are too big to put in my eyes.....or backwards, or both.  Last night's was both, plus there was writing on the lenses that was messing with my view and my eyes were burning.  I know what it means but I don't know what it relates to specifically.  It always has something to do with the way I'm viewing something.  The letters on the lenses was something new though.

I'm in a good mood today!  I'm totally feeling withdrawn and lost in my own little world.  It's a good feeling.  :)  I went for a fabulous run last night.  I normally run sort of slow but last night I was in the mood to actually feel my run.  LOL!  So I bumped my speed up.  It was satisfying but not really head-clearing like I was hoping for.  Funny.....during my whole run I kept thinking "I'm running like hell.....both literally and figuratively."  It was sort of a weird thought.  Kinda didn't feel like my own thought yet I don't really want to admit that.

Monday, August 25, 2014

October idea, Holidays

This morning, driving to work I had a sudden genius idea of what to give up for the month of October.  Almost the entire drive, I spent thinking about it.  And THEN I realized that I have to endure September first.  Gah!!  I wanted to give up both cutting and purging.  1 month.  I can do anything for 1 month.  I have people asking how to help....and willing to help.  The timing felt right.  There's just something about October that makes it easy to give something up.  I was kinda disappointed when I realized I couldn't start this in the next few days.  October brings out a determination that I don't have any other time of the year.

Today don't know.  Healthy and not healthy all at the same time?

No purging, no cutting, no drinking even!  I didn't eat much but I'm not sure I want to get back into the obsession of tracking food.

I certainly don't mind the lack of chaos but I can't help but think that I should be exploring why I'm going back to this side of my eating disorder.  Is this my way of running away?  Possibly. I seem really dependent on other people when I'm stuck in a bulimic chaos.

I really don't want to think about that right now.  (more running?  ha!  nooooo.....)

Holidays are coming up.  Holidays  I need to do some serious thinking and planning this year.  My idea was that October would be cut free so that I won't have anything fresh and obvious for family members to accidentally see.  I would love to find a way to not even see them this year.  I don't think that's an option though since this is the first holiday season in their new house.  Part of their reason for moving was so they'd be closer to my sister and I.  They think we'll visit more often now that they're only a day trip away.  Ha!!  *sigh*

conversation with God....and some mild angst

I'm 2 pounds away from my lowest weight two months ago. (not my lowest all time....just this time) I'm almost positive it's only water weight so that means after today I could definitely be right where I left off. Wrong line of thinking but.....I need this fake bit of sanity right now. Even though it's still destructive, it's a safer form of destruction. I'm more than willing to let go of purging and cutting, I even venture to say it's entirely possible to do. But this? Not yet.

So anyway. Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed and asked God to talk to me.

Almost immediately I see this huge brick wall. It's so huge I thought it was a building at first. There's a fire somewhere but I can't see it, only the glow of it. There's this old homeless guy sitting hunched over against the wall. He looks up at me and his eyes are black. He's downright terrifying to look at.

I ask God what this is about. My immediate thought is that this is a wall that I've built to protect myself. The guy is a guardian. A very scary guardian. I ask God how to get rid of the guardian, how to respond to this.

I get another picture....see myself holding my checkbook. I'm trying to open it but I'm scared. I fumble with it, turn it over and over and finally crack it open. I'm scared to look at what's inside. My heart races and I'm breathing hard. I open my eyes for a second and I see "void" written on a check. It's written by me....and it's very large, dark and angry I'd been trying to actually cut the word into the paper with the pen. The next word flash I see is "cut".

Sunday, August 24, 2014

sleep, phases, being dull

I've spent the entire afternoon in bed.  I couldn't sleep though.  Mostly I just laid there and talked.  To God.  Or myself?  For somebody who claims to be an Atheist I talk to God a lot.  Maybe I can't really say that I'm an Atheist anymore.

I've been asking God to show me what healthy boundaries would look like with my dad.  I have a handle on the physical boundaries, that's easy.  I'm not sure how to set emotional ones yet.  I also don't know how that will affect my mom or my sister.  So after asking that I had another mental image.  It wasn't very clear though and I really don't have any idea what it's about.  (rare....because I usually pick up on my own symbols super fast)

The black smoke from the earlier vision with the goat-man?  I saw that same smoke but it was green.  No goat-man though. The smoke was swirling around this spot in my parent's new house.  It seemed toxic but I'm not certain.  My instinct tells me that the smoke was actually poison?


I feel myself going somewhere mentally right now.  Not destructive at all.  The opposite, sort of.  I feel myself wanting to check out, run away, immerse myself in something other than all of this.

It's not a great food day.  I haven't felt this for awhile.  In the beginning when I started going back to church I had these rules in place.  (I realize this is beyond fucked up)  I had to lose a certain amount of weight if I was going to allow myself to be at church the next Sunday.  I'm not playing that game with myself right now but I'm not far away from it.

I haven't weighed myself all week because I was certain there would be epic "damage" from both trying to eat normally combined with the binge/purge episodes.  I know I didn't do it the healthy way but, I lost 40 pounds in what....2 months?  I've really just been maintaining for another 2 months.  I desperately want to stay where I'm at, which is not overweight.....and is normal.

The power trip is just so damned enticing, you know?

So I weighed.  Only one scale.  (I have two, normally I check them against each other, several times)  I was pleasantly surprised that I was still in the 120's.  Not where I'm happy though.  I expected it to be worse.  When I got home from church my husband was making pizza.  You'd think that being foodies who love to cook that we'd have a lot less box-food in the house.  Sheesh.  I carefully measured it and ate 180 calories worth of pizza.  A stupidly high number for a very small amount of food.  I know I shouldn't be entertaining this mindset but I don't know if I can help it.  It's safer!!  If I restrict, then I typically also don't drink.  It is really terrifying when I drink because it often leads to things far more destructive than skipping a meal.

Restricting seems to dull my emotion yet still lets me keep my senses.  I feel sharper.  I sometimes think I can connect with God more....OKAY hold on a minute.  I'm gonna have to call bullshit on myself for that one.  That's just silly.

Truth is:  I want to run.  I need to feel like I'm in control.  I want to deny that I have needs at all, even simple ones like food.  I want to be around people and still feel like I have something to hold onto, to focus on.  I'm absolutely willing to let go of cutting and bulimia.  I'm not ready to let go of this yet.  15 pounds and I'm good!  ha!  That's a lie and I know it.

Foggy thoughts

I woke up at 5:30 with the urge to cut. It was intense. And visual even. I kept seeing myself do it. Tracing the veins in my arm. I got up to write about it and our internet was down so I just went back to bed and waited for the feeling to pass. I didn't go back to sleep. Just laid there thinking and getting visual images. The urge did go away after 20 minutes or so.

So. The visions were not anything I've seen or thought before. I was in a big room. Like an old abandoned ballroom or church maybe. The walls were blue. Plaster and cracking. Crumbling and powdery. (Wow. That actually sounds just like the walls of my bedroom growing up.)  I saw this creature. It was half goat, half man. Like a satyr without horns?  He was walking on this ledge that was close to the ceiling. He was behind a gold rail. He could fly and he moved really fast sometimes. He would vanish and reappear across the room. This scared me for some reason. I kept opening my eyes to get out of the scene when he did that. He was surrounded in black fog. It was swirly like a really thick smoke. Hard to describe  

I saw myself suspended in the middle of the room. I was hanging from silk ropes. Cirque de Soleil style. I was unable to get out but I wasn't trying. I kept opening and closing my eyes and going right back into the picture. Each time my hangin position was different. Sometimes on my back and sometimes facing the floor. Goat guy was doing things to me but I don't know for sure. I think he was smelling me?  Weird. 

Okay. So vision number two!  I was in the hallway outside the living room in the house I grew up in. I was peeking into the room. My parents were there but didn't know I was there. There was a cat. It was playing with a toy and being cute. (I'm really not a cat person at all.)  Suddenly this baby white mouse shows up. My heart starts racing and Im panicking. I feel like I'm the mouse and the cat is toying with me. Then (in reality) I feel something touch my back. My eyes fly open and I leap out of bed. My husband is curled up on his side of the bed. My dogs are in their beds and my back was facing the wall. I have no idea what that was. Was it in my head?  I hesitate to suggest it was demonic but I really don't know now. 

Anyway. I was willing to lay in bed and just watch the visions until it got physical. Coffee and writing quickly became a better idea. My internet is still down so I'm having to fat finger all of this on my phone. What the fuck!  Oh and somebody in my neighborhood is shooting a very loud gun. Seriously guys?  At 7:30 in the morning?

I'm SO sleepy. Really wish I could have slept longer this morning. 5:30 is just too damn early. 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Two blogs in one night?  Yeah.  Normally that isn't indicative of anything good.  Tonight's only because my head is full.

I called it.  Nightmares for the husband tonight.  :(  He keeps flopping around and hitting my computer.  And yelling.  I tried waking him up once but he's just too out of it.  Poor guy.  I wonder if I should have stopped him from talking about his dad like that.

I'm trying to not obsess over food today.  I'm back to wanting the emptiness again.  I ate a small amount this morning.  The ONLY reason I ate anything tonight was because Kyle brought me a tray with crackers and cheese.  I told him I was hungry but I couldn't decide what to eat.  Weird.  I normally am not so open with him about food anxiety.  I was kind of grateful that he took all of the deciding out of it for me.

So tonight I was going to shower.  (again...for the 3rd time today.....just one of those days when I need the relaxation)  I decided not to.  My head went to a weird place.  I was digging in my dresser for something to wear to bed.  This is really fucking weird but.....I came across some lingerie that my dad bought for me.  Not slutty, but definitely not the kind of thing a dad would ever want to see his daughter in.  Yep.  It's true.  He bought my mom and I matching lingerie.  That's fucking WEIRD!!!  Who does that??!!!  I forgot that I even had it.  I think I'm going to burn it.  Like.....ritual-style burn it.

My throat won't stop hurting.  I need to google this.  Normally it only takes a day or less for my throat to feel normal again after a night of purging.  This is kind of scary.  I wish I knew how many times I threw up Thursday night.  I was just re-reading a blog earlier where I talked about how I only purged every other day or so.  Ha!  I'm so batshit now.  *sigh*  It's not uncommon for me to do this 4 or 5 times a day.  Scary how this got so bad so quickly.

I'm not sure how to fix this though.  I know this is completely fucked up but....I keep thinking that if I can get myself back into a restricting phase it will be easier to claw my way out of this and actually eat normally.  My anorexic side has always been easier to handle, easier to find normalcy with.

GAH!  I dread church tomorrow.  Seriously.  It's so fucking awkward.  I absolutely HATE the expectancy.  I want God to talk to me.  I want Him to show me things, love me.  I'm terrified that I might have to endure church and feel nothing.  Experience nothing.  I can't handle that.  I NEED intensity from God.  I need consistency too.  

I need to sleep.  Sleep is soooo elusive lately.  I have zombie sleep.  I just lay there and exist.  I stare at the walls and I'm just.....there.  

Popeye and Suicide

I just had this super intense conversation with my husband.  It seemed a little random.  I think he just needed to talk.  He's a fabulous story-teller and I love hearing about his childhood even when the stories are ugly.  It puts him in a weird mood though and I kinda worry sometimes.  He's currently passed out in bed.  I think the only reason he was even talking like this was because he was drunk.

He came in my room and just busted out with the fact that Robin William's suicide has really been bothering him.  Like.....he's really upset about this.  I asked him why.

When he was 13 or 14 he moved with his mom and brother to a shitty little apartment in a really slummy area of Connecticut.  She had left his dad for the millionth time.  She was with a boyfriend that was physically abusive to her and the boys though....and her brother was also living with them and he was physically abusive also.  THEN, there were neighborhood boys that were constantly looking for Kyle and his brother so they could beat the shit out of them.  Kyle was incredibly scared and there literally was nowhere safe for him.  The movie Popeye, with Robin Williams in it was playing at the time.  He and his brother would buy a ticket for the first showing of the day and they would hide out there and watch that movie over and over until the theater closed.  He said it was one of the dumbest movies he's ever seen but that it was the only thing that could take his mind off of the violence and fear.  Watching that movie was his safe place so to speak.

My heart breaks for what he's been through.  I think he's still going through it, in a sense.  He has no contact with his dad but I know that he has nightmares and panic attacks over it.  I'm always torn about whether or not it's healthy for him to talk about this stuff because he almost always ends up dreaming about it that night.

He then told me this story about his dad coming home from work one day.  Kyle was in the shower.  His dad walked into the bathroom, ripped open the shower curtain and started beating him mercilessly....naked and totally cornered.  He broke his rib kicking him.  For NO reason.  He was completely blind-sided.  He says that his dad's rages were usually predictable but this was out of left field.

So then we talked a little about what happened the other night.  Turns out....he saw what happened.  He heard me clattering around in the kitchen. He walked in and I was throwing up in the aim was shoddy.  Ugh.  I don't remember this.  He steered me to bed and cleaned the kitchen.  I had NO idea he was that involved.  He thinks I was throwing up because I was too drunk though.  I might have been.....don't know!  I'm relieved to have gotten that conversation out of the way though.  I wanted to talk to him more about this, about me, but I just couldn't, even though he was being super open already.  He was leaving me lots of openings in the conversation too.  I kept twisting it back and asking him questions instead.


I just went to check on him and he's still passed out but....he's playing the Popeye movie.  Sweet and disturbing all at the same time.

Friday, August 22, 2014

This has been a heavy week.  I called in sick for work today.  I have no idea what happened last night, I remember bits and pieces.  I know that I ate....a LOT....based on how my body feels today I also purged a lot.  I didn't cut though.

This is a little messed up but purging the way I do is so much scarier than cutting.  My body suffers the next day.  My jaw hurts, my throat hurts, my ribs and back are sore.  Even the roof of my mouth is raw!  My heart races and thuds.

I've taken like 8 showers today.  Not even kidding!  If I'm not in bed, I'm in the shower.  I can't sleep though and I want to so badly....I need to sleep!

I feel guilty for not going to work.  I actually sat in my car in the driveway for awhile trying to decide if I could do it or not.  Obviously I decided....not.  I'm scared to talk to my husband tonight.  I have no idea what he knows about last night, if anything at all.  I hate so much that he might be exposed to this.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

I heard a song on the way to work this morning.  It almost perfectly describes my relationship with my dad and how I feel about it/him.  I wish I could find words for what I feel and think right now.

My dad always needed me to love him in a way that was really only appropriate for adults. I'm not talking about a physical love, it was an emotional love. He sucked me dry. I had nothing left, even for myself. When he cried, I held him.  When he was scared, I reassured him.

There were times when I needed my dad to help me, understand me and listen. He just wasn't capable of loving me in that context. 

I think I'm starting to see how and why my relationship with him has affected me so much as an adult.  His abuse was more emotional than anything and it was prolonged.  In fact, he hasn't really changed at all.  Years of this made me view life and God and family differently.  He didn't need to rape me for that to happen.

I feel guilty for having such limited contact with him right now.  I feel like I should be there for him.  I really just don't have it in me right now though.  I have nothing to give him.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

black-out cutting

I messed up last night.....big time.  :(  I want to find a dark cave and hide out for a very long time.  I cut....and I don't remember it.  Usually the details will come back to me or I'll remember bits and pieces.  I literally remember NOTHING about what happened last night.  I woke up this morning with blood all over me and my sheets.  Blood all over the bathroom and all over my desk.  My leg is totally shredded.  It started bleeding again while I was at work and I had a hard time getting it to stop.  I was so scared I was going to end up needing to go to the hospital for stitches or something.

I'm pretty sure I binged and purged too but there's no evidence other than how I feel.  My ribs and back are achy and my throat was raw.  Way to go, Ang.  I was doing SO well too!  Seriously!  I've been eating closer to a normal amount of calories, I haven't been weighing obsessively and absolutely no purging, despite the urge.

To make things even worse.....I drunk e-mailed some people last night.  GAH!!!  That's really the most embarrassing part.  I guess the bright side is that it shows me what was going through my head at the time.  I had been fighting the destructive urge all day.  I even texted somebody after work.  He asked if I needed to talk later and I told him I would be fine.  (he was one of the ones that I later drunk e-mailed)  

I feel like I'm so selfish and childish for doing this.....and even more so for dragging other people into it with me.

I know that my husband is aware of what happened.  How could he NOT after seeing the crime-scene bathroom this morning?  He hasn't said anything but he's been extra sweet today and he's made it a point to be in the same room with me whenever possible.  He doesn't deserve this shit.  :(

All day I've been trying to piece together what happened.  Since I felt so destructive I made it a point to go to bed early and I stayed around my husband as much as possible so I would stay distracted.   I don't remember getting out of bed for any reason.

I went to a "thing" last night.  I don't know what to call it.  It's not church, it's not a class.  Whatever.  I won't try and explain.  The subject was suicide.  I'm not at all suicidal myself, even though I'm in a really dark place right now.  It did make me think a lot about my dad.  I also talked to my dad the day before which might explain why I felt the way I did all day.

*sigh*  I"m tired of talking.  I'm going to bed.  (and hopefully will actually STAY in bed and not get up later to wreak havoc on myself)

Monday, August 11, 2014

Sunday gross-ness

For most of my life I've hated Sundays.  As a kid, Sundays were highly controlled and scheduled.

I always meant to get up early but for some reason I never quite made it.....maybe because I was so tired from getting up at 4:30 throughout the week.  Anyway.  Breakfast was absurdly early.  We ALWAYS had to eat when my dad wanted to eat.  If he was hungry, then the whole family had to sit down and eat with him.  To this day, I think it's stupid.

Breakfast was always the same food.  We usually had the traditional Faspa for breakfast rather than in the afternoon like other Mennonites.  We really only ate it out of tradition.  My parents didn't adhere to the rules attached to it.  The idea was to keep Sunday as a holy day....and not do any work, which meant no cooking for the women-folk!

The rest of the morning was spent waiting around until it was time to leave for church.  Usually hours.

After church my sister and I would help my mom cook a ridiculously huge meal.  Then we would all crash for a nap.  My sister and I usually slept together to avoid the awkwardness of my dad waking us up in his creepy way.  If we were together he didn't do it.

After napping we would all eat ridiculously huge bowls of ice cream.  Then we would go back to church for the evening service.  Afterward we ate pizza.  Always pizza.

Funny how Sundays revolved around food like this.....and always the SAME foods.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm normal.  Is my body normal?  Are my thoughts normal?  Do other people have the same emotion.....the same intensity?  Is my eating disorder normal (compared to other women with food issues)?  I never really felt like I could ask because I was (am) always so afraid of the reaction.

Evening was weird for me today.  The lighting was freaking me out.  All of a sudden I started feeling really sad.  I felt like crying but I couldn't.....tears just weren't there.  I felt a little hollow.  So I took a shower.  I should explain something about showers.  I often say that I haven't showered.....joke that I went to church and didn't even bother to shower.....or say that I can't go somewhere or do something without taking a shower first.  It's actually possible for me to take 3 showers in one day and still have not showered.  LOL!  I often just stand there and think.  Sometimes I'll lay down and concentrate on how the water feels different the farther away I get.  Lately I take a lot of showers because it seems to be the only thing that will stop my feet from cramping.  I vividly remember this conversation I had with my husband when I first moved in with him.  Honestly, it made my heart swell with love for him.  :)  I apologized for using up so much water and wasting so much time.  He laughed and said he didn't mind.....that I was welcome to do whatever I want, take as long as I need, shower as often as I felt like it.

My family has disgusting hygiene.  We typically only bathed or showered once a week.  On Saturday nights so we would be clean for church the next day.  My parents were so paranoid about using too much water that they made my sister and I use the same water.....and they only allowed about 2 inches in the tub.  One day I was made fun of at school for being "the stinky kid."  I vowed.....never again!  That night I had a very serious discussion with my parents over it.  I demanded that I be allowed to wash myself every single day.  I had carefully planned for every possible response they could have.  My argument was pristine.  LOL!  They agreed, as long as I didn't abuse it.  I was given a start to finish time limit in the bathroom.  5 minutes.....for EVERYTHING, from the moment I entered the bathroom to when I left.  My dad would actually set a timer.  It took awhile but eventually I had it down to a science.  I could brush my teeth and wash my hair and rinse body wash all at the same time.  It wasn't until college that I realized daily hygiene was actually normal.  I was delighted to find out I wasn't weird for thinking I needed to shower every morning.  Moving away from home was THE most wonderful feeling in the world for me.  My roommates used to laugh at me for thinking it was so amazing that I could spend an entire hour in the shower if I wanted to.  The water never got cold.....and I didn't have to worry about using too much of it.  OH and when I realized that I was allowed to take a shower in the middle of the night?  The FREEDOM!!!!!!  In my first apartment I became addicted to bubble baths.  I filled the tub as full as possible.  I still do that but the enigma is sort of gone now.

My kitchen windows (and the way evening light looks through them) for some reason remind me of the windows in the living room where I grew up....and my bedroom window in the house before that.  I loved my room in that house.  I hated my dad for making us move.  I still don't understand it.  We lived in a perfect house, perfect neighborhood.  I had friends, could walk to school.  It was a safe neighborhood.  The house was finished, there was nothing gross about it.  Nothing was rotting.  It was clean.  It was also paid for.  I didn't know this until a few years ago.  I was immediately pissed when my mom told me that.  My grandfather died when I was 7.  My dad decided to buy his was where he grew up.  WHY would somebody buy a shit-hole house and move into it when they owned a totally paid off house that needed nothing fixed?  Seriously.  This house was an absolute piece of SHIT.  Financially it doesn't make sense to me.  It seems like everything my dad does is for sentimental reasons.  I think that's partly why I refuse to let myself get attached to things.  I haven't kept any of my childhood toys and I've told my parents that I don't want to inherit anything......I don't feel the need to have any of their furniture when they die, I don't care if it's a dresser that came from the Ukraine with my great grandparents.  It's just stuff.  It means nothing.  My parents, and even my sister have never understood this about me.  My sister is delighted though because this means she'll get everything.  Ha!  Honestly, I love that thought only because I can see how happy it would make her.

Throughout highschool my mom would often tell me to remember these times.....enjoy myself.....because life only got harder when you became an adult.  You lose your freedom when you grow up.  I always thought that was silly.  I hated my life as a kid and a teenager.  I really do love being an adult.  I love the life that I've made with my husband.  I love that we are like-minded and that our house is set up like two teenagers live here.  I love that he could care less how much time I spend in the bathroom, how much water I use.  In college I once decided to take a shower in every bathroom in the dorm.....simply because I COULD.  Being an adult has never carried overwhelming responsibility like everybody says it does.

Never, in a million years, would I want to go back to the absolute lack of freedom that I had as a kid.
I woke up today in the mood to cook.  I made lentils with rotel....threw in some bell pepper, spinach and random spices.  I didn't really eat any other than to taste test it.  I think I'll use it as a filling for enchiladas.  Not sure yet.  I have a pot of chickpeas simmering on the stove and dog treats in the oven.  :)

My husband went to the grocery store and came home with one metric fuck-ton of food...most of it unhealthy.  *sigh*  He's completely on the vegetarian bandwagon though and says he has some ideas for recipes that he wants to try out on me this weekend.  Apparently the cooking bug has bitten us both!

I'm feeling super anxious and restless today.  I can't seem to relax.  I keep thinking of things I need to do....or things I want to do.  I don't feel like doing any of them though.

I feel like I need resolution for something....something I can't really put words to.  I feel like I need to finish something, I need a project.  LOL!  Somehow I don't think that would make this resolution feeling go away.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Friday happiness

I am SO happy it's friday.  Seriously.  This week sucked at work.

I've been watching Penn & Teller videos on youtube.  Those guys are awesome.  I've been a huge fan of Penn Jillette for years, mostly because of their Bullshit tv show....and most recently because of his books.  A few years ago, for a valentine's day gift my husband bought tickets to one of their shows.  Coolest gift ever!   The show tickets also meant a fabulous weekend in Las Vegas.  

I went to the church community group thing last night.  I'm really glad that I went, it's obvious that this is going to be a really healthy addition to my life.  I stayed super late talking to a few people.  I can't remember the last time I laughed so much....seriously!!!  I really needed that yesterday.  I spent the day in bed, depressed, hating myself and hating life....hating God.....convincing myself that God didn't exist.  This group of people were the first human contact I'd had since Wednesday night's epic destruction.  I hadn't even talked to my husband yet.  This group is full of "food nerds."  I really can see myself letting go of some food fears around them.  I left in a fabulous mood....and I have SO many ideas for things to cook this weekend.  Healthy, non-triggering things.  :)  I'm kind of excited.

Today at work, despite the actual work being shitty, I  This is SO new to me.....letting people IN.  Letting them see who I really am, telling them what I really think.  The first conversation I had this morning involved a friend (who is extremely touchy) telling me she was giving me a massive, beautifully crushing bear hug in her mind....because she knows that I can't handle a physical hug right now.  LOL!  Sheesh, I love that girl.  :)  

Thursday, August 7, 2014

being ghosty

I spent most of the day in bed....not really sleeping, just being.  I feel horrible about what happened last night.  I never used to feel so bad about this stuff so I'm not sure why this has changed.

My heart has been pounding for the last hour or so.  It's really annoying.

I've passed through this day like a ghost, like I'm not even real.  That totally doesn't make any sense.  I'm really just babbling because I want to talk but have nothing to say.  I don't want to be home tonight.  I really want to get out and go be with people, is that weird?  It's weird for me.  A friend invited me out for coffee and I also have the standing invite for the church group.  I can't decide what I want to do.  I'm not in the mood for a bunch of happy people.  Thankfully I don't have to worry about covering last night's cuts.

I cooked today.  Real food.  I made lentil enchiladas.  320 calories each.  The only reason I didn't purge is because my throat and jaw are so sore from last night.

Okay.  I think I've decided to go to the church thing tonight.  It beats staying home and feeling stuck in this ghost cloud.  Well....I'll go if my husband gets home in time.  I feel like I ditch him a lot since I started going to church and meeting friends for coffee once or twice a week.  He says he's perfectly content though.  Still, I want to at least see him before I leave the house....

the aftermath....

I called in sick to work today.  I feel bad for that but there's just no way I can do it today.  Physically OR mentally.

I woke up with a really f'd up physical feeling from a dream and I've just been out of sorts ever since.  I don't know what time I went to bed last night.  I did some drunk blogging and drunk e-mailing and I know that it was after 2:30.

I ate/puked 4 times last night.....and then panicked when I thought I wasn't getting everything out and took a bunch (it looks like 5?) of laxatives and chased it with alcohol.  I woke up in horrible pain this morning.  I suck.  I seriously hate myself for doing this......and then writing about it.  Welcome to my insanity.

I also cut a lot last night.  Only one deep one, several medium ones and my entire calf is full of shallow cuts.  Weird how you can tell how progressive it got.

It's 10:30 in the morning and I'm already (or still?) fighting the urge to continue all of this.  Not cutting.....just food stuff.  That's where it starts though.  My stomach has finally stopped cramping and I feel super empty  right now.  Empty in a good way.....even though it probably won't stay like that.

God, this is the type of shit that puts people in mental institutions.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

fuck! I should probably say that I'm uh.....

I don't even fucking know.  I want to purge.  I ate.  I ate a bean burrito.  Just one.  I want to purge SO bad right now though.

It feels like the kind of night where I would purge a smallish dinner and then eat a ridiculous amount of food and purge that too.

How do I end up doing this?  I was doing so well.  motherFUCKer.

I think it happened because I didn't eat much at all.  I got hungry, ate a normal amount and freaked out.  Now I want to just eat and puke all fucking night.

 I'm currently eating a bowl of cereal because I know it will be easy and satisfying to purge.  Why do I do this?  OMFG I hope my husband doesn't wake up.  It's kind of early for this.

it's a confession kind of night....

Today was not the easiest of days.  It's ending well though.  :)

Work sucked!  Let's just say that I have really awesome coworkers who are willing to deal with the insane tornado that I am......and in some cases invite themselves into my whirlwind and ask me to teach them how to help.  I love my coworkers.  Seriously.  A bunch of us have been talking on facebook tonight, publicly getting drunk and venting (safe venting, nothing harsh or snarky).....and it's turned into a hilarious conversation.  Weird how I can feel so close to people who don't even live in the same state.....some of us are only coworkers via phone and e-mail.  I don't think I could survive my job without the ones I actually know in person.  I'm grateful that I have these girls available to help me hold my shit together long enough to survive the day and get my paycheck.

Awkward moment of the day:  I'm at my desk, panicking because I'm AT my deadline for something and a coworker steps in to help me, notices my wrist and busts out with....."Holy fuck, Ang....what happened to your wrist?"  *sigh*  Yeah.  I stammered a bit, sweated a little and blurted a very quick explanation of the truth.  She's one of the few that I'm completely honest with in the food department, I planned to be honest with her about cutting if she ever noticed and asked.  Her response?  "Well.  That sucks.  I love you."  If I hadn't been so busy I would have collapsed in tears.

Anyway.  I'm ridiculously drunk right now.  I'm trying to forget about food issues today and alcohol is helping, somewhat.

I'm probably also trying to forget other issues but....well, the booze did the trick and I don't remember!  HA!

So.  I have an embarrassing and slightly disgusting confession.  I've eaten nothing but bean burritos since Sunday.  I'm a foodie at heart.  Don't EVER believe an anorexic (or bulimic, or ednos) that tells you otherwise.  I've been experimenting with each one though, using different spices and it's not really  like I'm eating the same thing over and over. I don't know why it's the only thing I can safely eat right now.  Eating anything else would send me into a tailspin of bingeing and puking.  Granted, I really wanted to purge lunch today.  I didn't.  I distracted myself and wasted time instead.

I have another disgusting confession.  Dinner tonight was laxatives and booze.  *sigh*  I wonder how effective it would be against the calories of lunch?  Meh.  I really don't care about the calories right now.....just the fact that I want to feel less bloated and.....well.....LESS.  I've never been much of a laxative type of purger.  This could get ugly.  So far......nothing.  I was hoping I would have shit my brains out by now.

Tomorrow night is the night that this group from church meets.  I sort of want to go, but I'm freaked out.  There is food.  Every time.  I can't deal with BOTH religion and food.   ( I really going to church now?)  I'm not sure yet if I'm going to go.  I want to, just to be around people who seem to care about me.  Part of me thinks that's super pathetic.

Meh.  It's going to be a last minute decision I guess.  Knowing me, I'll creepily sit outside in my car and suddenly decide I can't handle it and drive away.  *sigh*  

I want to eat right now.  A LOT.  I need to just go to bed.  I have to actually be "smart" for work tomorrow since I have a writing deadline to meet.  I can't afford for this to be a drunk/binge/purge night.  GAH!  Go to bed!!!!

Better.....I think?

I'm sitting in a park with both privacy and restrooms, blogging instead of purging. So far this week, this has been the first time I've even had the desire. I ate more than planned last night and just went to bed. I'm in a total safe food rut though. Not a whole lot of variety. Oh well. I weighed this morning and I'm back up to 130. I was shocked it wasn't higher. Not happy though.....i would love to spend the next few weeks getting to 120 even though I know I shouldn't. For mental sake.....not physical. I am far from under weight. I keep telling myself that food and weight isn't the point. 

I had some really fucked up dreams last night. Too fucked up to put here, despite the anonymity. My thoughts keep veering toward food and purging and I wonder if that is just my kneejerk reaction to the dreams. 

Anyway. I realize this is cryptic. Mostly I'm writing to pass the time and do something other than puke lunch. *sigh*

I feel kinda numb today which is a huge change from the last 2 or 3 days. Not gonna lie, numb is easier right now. Fuck, I wish I had just skipped lunch. Damn this whole "trying to get better" shit. 

Back to work I go......

Saturday, August 2, 2014

I just spent an entire hour standing in the kitchen trying to decide what to eat.  Everything seems like too many calories.  I need to pick something safe so I won't feel the need to purge it.  *sigh*  I wish this wasn't so hard.

Fast forward a few hours......

Eventually I decided on pasta.....with alfredo and pesto.  *gasp*  I'm actually choosing something that is not even CLOSE to being a safe food. (high calorie, easy to purge)   I didn't measure anything and I ate enough to feel full. I have no idea how many calories it was....I didn't track it.   I also tried to eat slow.  For some reason I go into binge mode if I eat too fast.  I tried really hard to mentally remain present and not just "check out" and shovel it in.  I've been reading a little about Buddhism and the mindfulness thing is really attractive to me.  Honestly?  I don't even want to purge right now.  Rare feeling for me.  I wonder what makes tonight so different.  Why do I not feel the angst tonight that I've felt every fucking day of this week?

Today was a fabulous day.  I met a couple friends for coffee.  We had some really deep, healing conversation.  Four hours worth!  There were tears (not mine)....some rage, laughing and of course lots of swearing.  I love when conversations run the gamut of emotion.  This is all very new to me.  I'm not used to being cared about....letting myself be loved.  I was trying to explain to them why I don't want people to love me, why it frustrates me that people at church and work are repeatedly telling me and showing me that they genuinely care.  Somehow it hurts.  Love literally hurts me.  A physical knot twists in my chest when I realize that somebody loves and accepts me.  The REAL me.  It's hard to explain.

So when I got home I was super hyped up on caffeine and decided to go ride my bike.  16 glorious miles!!!  I really needed that.  Mentally.  Some of my best thought processing happens on my bike.  I felt like I didn't really get a workout though.  I was averaging 18 mph and my max speed was 25 mph.  Massive adrenaline rush.  I miss the days when my legs felt like jello after a ride.  I guess I'm just stronger now?  It was fun though.

Then I get home husband wants to get naked.  :)  It's been months since we last had sex and this was totally random and unexpected.  In a weird way it was a little healing too.  My stomach is covered in cuts, so are my legs.  He's only seen the ones on my arms and wrists.  I've been SO scared for him to find out that I've been cutting more than just the two times that I told him about.  He was incredibly sweet about it.  He didn't say anything but he acknowledged it......made a point to kiss each cut, each scar.   I was SO close to tears and overwhelmed with love for this amazing man.  Sex is always super emotional with us.  Is that normal?  Sometimes I wonder if we're too intense with sex.   There have been times when we are laughing hysterically.....or even crying.  We've even had aggressive, angry sex.....not anger at each other, just angst in general.  I think I'm incredibly lucky to have found a man who can handle, and even match my emotional intensity.  Okay, so THAT was a whole lot of TMI.  :)

Normally I'm not the type of girl that gets lost in a mirror.  (contrary to popular belief, not all ED people are hung up on vanity)

I seem sort of skinny.  Maybe.  All this after I just said that ED people aren't hung up on appearances.  Ha!  I should clarify.  I don't get hung up on appearance.  I simply wish to take up less space in this world. I don't really care about clothes/makeup/hair.  Weight and size.....that's all that matters.

My ass is flat.  Losing weight in your 30's looks differently than it did at a younger age.  This bothers me a little.  I ran tonight, not too much.....25 minutes, 2 miles.  I didn't feel tired or sore.  In the past it was always my boobs that disappeared when I lose weight.  :)  I won't complain.  I've always hated my lower body.  It's weird to see how muscular and slim my thighs look.  I really should shoot for a healthy lifestyle right now.  I want to be HEALTHY and muscular.....not pale and covered in skinny-flab.

Today has been a fasting day, kinda.  I actually didn't mean for that to happen.  I've had calories but they're all in liquid form.  Coffee, green juice and booze.  :)  I took a lunch break today.  I was hungry but I just couldn't bring myself to eat any actual food.  Ugh.  I have a perfect 1/2 cup portion of cold rice salad available in the fridge.....I just can't eat it.....can't deal with it right now.  I want to be clean and empty.

Food seems disgusting right now.  I'm grateful for this. I would MUCH rather deal with a fear of food than a passionate love/hate desire for it that ends in eating and purging.

I can't sleep.....rambling about love languages

Today at work I got a few comments on how much weight I've lost.  It was weird because I don't think I look that much different.  Both were from people who don't see me very often.  Neither one was a compliment though, more of a concern because they noticed that I lost weight really fast.  Ha!  They asked if I was sick.  *sigh*  I said that I'd been watching what I eat and exercising more.  It's mostly true.

I had a creepy conversation with my supervisor yesterday.  We were alone in the hallway, we met at the security door going opposite ways....I held it for her so she wouldn't have to punch the code.  She busted out suddenly with "Are you okay?  You work through lunch every day and I haven't seen you consume anything other than coffee in months.  You've lost a lot of weight.  Do you want some zucchini bread?"  Awkward!!!!  Being the social retard that I am I stammered, turned red, then told her that I had a really huge breakfast and I was just on my way for some coffee.  She and I normally don't get along well at all.  We have had some fabulously intense arguments in the conference room, always negative.  The ONLY thing we have ever connected over is cooking.   We talk recipes a lot and we both regularly plan potluck lunches and bring food to work for everybody else to try.

Today was a whirlwind day.  Emotions at work were super high.  My cycling/Buddhist/Atheist friend told me that her doctor thinks she has cancer.  I cried.  I am NOT a crier.  My heart hurt so much for her.  She's scared.  She just had a baby, she's SO young.  Her cousin died of Lymphoma last year.  In my own head I was thinking......this can't be happening.  I don't often get close enough to people, especially coworkers to call them friends and now one of the people closest to me might have cancer?  Her doctor didn't want to say anything official until Monday when he got the test results back.  Honestly, I thought he was a bit of an asshole to plant the cancer idea on a she'd have to spend the weekend freaking out.  He called a little before 5:00 today and told her that it was NOT cancer, she just needs to have her tonsils taken out.  GAH!!!!

I called my sister on my way home from work.  Her landlord was killed in a car accident yesterday.  She's terrified that she's going to lose her house.  Her credit is absolute shit, so it's really hard for her to find places to live.  She told me that mom and dad have been pumping her for information about what's going on with me.  I'm so grateful that she understands my need to pull away sometimes.....and that she's completely okay with it.  I worry about her though.  I wish so much that I could flip a switch and make all of her problems go away.  I feel like a bad sister for not being more available.....not visiting as much.

We started talking about love languages in our family.  Who's who?  It turned into an interesting conversation.  Mine has changed.  I used to be extremely touchy.  My sister and I were always snuggled up together on the couch or in bed.  We had separate bedrooms but I slept in her room a lot just because she made me feel safe and I never had nightmares when I was with her.  Over the years we both have become quality time people.  I wonder if this is why she and I are so close?  She thinks that the reason her love language changed is because her daughter is a touch person.  She's a single mom so SHE is the main source of physical touch for my niece.  Her needs are beyond met in that area.  I think she craves adult conversation though.  She and I can have ridiculously intense conversations.  I really do miss being around her.  I miss living with her.  :)  Sometimes I forget how well she knows much she knows about me.  Things that I thought were a secret.....turns out she knows.

My mom's love language?  No idea.  She's not a touch person at all.  In fact, she noticeably cringes away from touch sometimes....especially from my dad.  My sister thinks she would be either words of affirmation, acts of service or gifts.  This kind of makes sense I guess.  My mom is SO MUCH fun to buy gifts for.  :)  I hate Christmas.  Truly hate it.  I dread the awkwardness of receiving gifts.  However.....the ONLY good part of Christmas is being able to spoil my mom with ridiculously extravagant gifts.  It's absurd and weird because I bitch, every year, about not wanting to "do the gift thing".  hahahaha.......and yet my heart soars for my mom.  She's easy to buy for and I LOVE that I'm in a financial position where I can give her things she never thought she could have.

My dad?  UUUGGGHHHHH.......  He and his needs are incredibly hard to manage.  He's so fucking needy.  My dad and I have VERY fucked up physical/emotional boundaries.  My sister has similar issues with him but even she will say that they are more pronounced with me.  She hates to admit it but, she has a lot in common with him.  Personality traits, interests, etc.  I think that he has EVERY love language....with an emphasis on touch.  I think this comes from my idea that my dad is way too needy.  I don't know.  I just can't think of him NOT resonating with any of the love languages.  I hate hugging him.  I cringe and I avoid him.  My sister does too.  We both hate that we do this.  I feel guilty because I know that I don't love him enough.  I don't know how.  I can't safely love my dad.  I'm grateful that my sister can relate to this.  I feel less alone.....and I feel like maybe I'm not that horrible of a daughter.  Weird thought.....why does my mom cringe away from my dad's touch?  I know she isn't touchy but.....they're married.....and I have often seen her literally shrink away from him or even get mad at him for being too touchy.  I wonder if his creepiness toward my sister and I is because his physical needs weren't met with my mom?

Oy.  I need to go to bed now.

reasons to stop

I went for a run tonight.  A much needed one.  I need to get back into a routine with running and cycling.  I always eat more and I'm much less destructive when I'm exercising regularly.  While I was running I was thinking about what I've been doing to myself.....the bad side of things.....reasons to stop.  I minimize it sometimes and convince myself that this isn't all that bad.  Even as I type this I'm wrestling with the idea that I'm not addicted to anything, not sick.  (I"m too big to be sick!!!)  Sometime last month I started having scary physical moments.  I googled it to see if it could be related.  I was not surprised that it was related.....but I WAS surprised when I read more in depth about what these things mean and what exactly causes them.  Just about all of them can be caused by malnutrition and electrolyte imbalances.  A few of them also could be related to drinking too much alcohol or dehydration.  I always thought I drank like a fish but that is mostly in the mornings and throughout the day.  I also thought that malnutrition and electrolyte issues only happened if you were underweight or purging several times a day.  Granted, I'm purging more often now than I ever have....but it's only once a day and not always every day.

So....let's make a list!!

Physical reasons to stop:
Numb hands and feet
Loss of feeling below the knees while purging
Tingly face and lips while purging
Numb arms while running (but not while cycling....weird)
Sore throat (this is a big DUH...but I didn't think I purged often enough for this to happen)
Foot cramps (at night and also while cycling....these are freaking horrible!!!)
Heart thudding and racing (palpitations...I actually didn't know it had a name)
Receding gums (for some reason this one is really scary to me)
Losing hair  (sigh, apparently you don't have to be emaciated to lose hair?!)

Friday, August 1, 2014

Sitting in my car waiting for lunch to pass by. I had planned on working through but I needed to get away and clear my head. I keep reading over the stuff I wrote last night, trying to figure out what happened. Nothing felt triggering and I don't remember feeling anything in particular. 

I hope this day passes quickly. 

A few weeks ago when I cut so badly I had this awful cloud of shame over my head. I'm feeling like that now. It doesn't make sense though because last night really was not that bad in the destruction department. 

Lunch break is over. Boo. 

oops....I did it again

Every morning when I wake up I ask myself.....did I do anything last night?  Did I eat?  Apparently I got blindingly drunk, ate, puked, then blogged about it.  Fuck.

I did.  But why?  I was at around 300 calories for the day, including the booze.  I was in bed already.  I was ready to turn my light off and go to sleep but something snapped and I decided to get up and eat something instead.  So I ate a tortilla with peanut butter.  Then I threw up maybe half of it.  I didn't drink enough water while eating it so it was difficult and painful.  Not really satisfying.

This morning I've weighed myself three times with both scales.  (yes, I have two, welcome to my eating disordered paranoia)  EVERY time it was slightly different.  Am I 126 or 127?  Who fucking knows?!

My sister is having a rough time right now.  My parents are too.  I feel like I need to be there for them but I just can't right now.  I'm not in a place where I can.  I feel guilty for that.  My whole life I feel like I've been the family doctor.  My dad, especially has crossed that boundary with me.  I wonder if that's why I'm so hesitant to admit that I need people?  I don't ever want to become like use and abuse other people to help me.

Ugh.  I have to go to work now.  Needed to get some of this out of my head before I left.  Work is going to suck today.  Short handed on top of training a new Fridays are my busiest days for one of the accounts that I handle alone.  Dammit.  I don't want to do this today.  I want to stay home and hide.  I don't want to see people or talk to people.  I want coffee though.  I'll go to work to get coffee.  Wow.