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Thursday, July 31, 2014

omg...no....NO.  I binged anyway.  Not really a "binge" since it was only 200 something calories.  I threw up...sort of.  I didn't drink any water while I was eating so it wasn't very easy.  I stopped purging mostly because I was afraid I'd bust a blood vessel in my eye.  Way too embarrassing to deal with.  This "binge" was below 300 calories.  I should NOT be freaking out about this.

Fuck  I"m drunk.  I need to go to bed.  I"m going to bed.  Seriously.....

peace, buddhism and some angst

Last night I got a decent amount of good sleep.  FINALLY!!!  The last few weeks have been filled with chaotic sleeplessness.  I'm just not cut out for staying up until 2 every night.  I'm not sure if staying up late is triggering binge/purge episodes or if I'm staying awake because of other issues that end up leading to a b/p.  I took a sleeping pill and it was OH so blissful.

I'm also, thankfully, hopefully back in a restricting phase.  I know it isn't healthy but it is MUCH less chaotic and easier to deal with.  It might even be healthier than bingeing/purging/cutting.

Tonight I found an online group of 30 somethings with eating disorders.  I'm speechless.  I feel SO alone in this sometimes because of the age gap.....and also because of age stereotypes.  Sadly, it was a "pro-ana" website so the recovery aspect is completely fucked up.  It's just nice to know that I'm not the only one out there who is still like this.

I've recently found a lot of.....not sure what to call it.....understanding maybe?  I've never talked to somebody else who engages in self harm.  The last few weeks I've "exposed" my cutting to a work friend.  She also self harms but it's in a different way.  I'm so thankful for somebody to talk to about this who can actually relate.

My idea of eating vegetarian isn't exactly giving me the normalcy I wanted.  *sigh*  Although......I've decided to be a part of this community group at the church I've been going to.  There's almost always food....and there will most likely always be veg friendly food.   Beautiful coincidence?  Now I have a group of people to "practice" public eating with.......and I know there will always be safe food available......or at least one other person who would eat the same thing that I would eat.  I haven't actually gone to anything yet.....I'm such a chicken.

Today a work friend asked me if I'd go to a Buddhist temple with her.  I think I'm going to!  She's been wanting to go to a temple but doesn't want to go alone.   Honestly, I think Buddhists are actually atheists.....not totally sure, need to read more about that.  Anyway.  I've been reading a little about it online today.  I can definitely see where a Buddhist lifestyle could benefit me.....help me establish some healthier habits and gain some actual peace and control of the chaos.

A friend of mine recommended I try yoga......for emotional purposes, not just physical.  I've tried the P90X version of yoga which is purely physical, nothing mental.  It was HARD!!  I'm not that strong.  Holy shit.  Some of those poses just aren't humanly possible.  My friend was telling me today that if you aren't farting or crying while doing yoga, you're not doing it right. HA!!!  Maybe yoga is actually what I need?  I can't remember the last time I cried.

Wow.....I took one of my husband's sleeping pills tonight and it's kicking my ass full force.....I'm gonna go to sleep now.

OMG.....I just had a thought.  My husband is asleep, I'm SO hungry right now.....I could totally binge/purge tonight.

GAH!  I can't afford it.  I can NOT have another 2:00 am bed time.  I need to be "smart" for work tomorrow because we're shorthanded and training somebody new.

Going to bed.  Really.  I need to go to bed.  I need to stop thinking about food and go to bed.  GAH.  Fuck. I can alaready tell that this is so much like the thought-process that leads to a binge/purge.

I won't though.  I'm going to bed.

I wonder how many calories are in the alcohol I drank tonight.  Fuck.

OMG.  Go to bed Ang!!!!  Do NOT go to the kitchen.  Go to bed!






Wednesday, July 30, 2014

batshitcrazy

Last night was  a little crazy.  It was just one of those kind of nights.  I didn't cut though....and I managed to stop in the middle of a purge.  That is incredibly rare for me.  When I'm in the thick of that state of mind, I typically don't show any restraint.  I felt bat-shit crazy though, despite how "well" I white-knuckled my way through it.

Anyway.  I don't want to talk about that right now.

I purged lunch today. :(  And water flushed...It's dangerous, I know it is!  Dinner was 1/2 cup of tabbouleh and two plums.  Plums are weird.  Old people fruit.  I am SO fucking hungry right now.  I'm not tracking calories today.  I need to break that habit.  I think sometimes it will trigger a purge....or worse, a binge AND a purge.  I'm almost positive that I'm under 500 for the day.

The friend I've been talking about....well.....things are a bit sour right now.  She walked out yesterday, quit without notice.  The whole thing was really odd.  She got super aggressive and angry with our supervisor.  It kind of scared me.  *sigh*  Yesterday and today have been horrible because of that.  I wish I hadn't told her anything about me.  I'm terrible at picking safe people to talk to.  I can't help but feel like she abandoned us.....like she doesn't give a shit about us.  She didn't think about how her decision would affect the rest of us.  I worked 11 hours today.  Fucking insane.  I regret trusting her.  I regret telling her about me.

My feet keep cramping tonight.

I feel like this is all related.  Trust, abandonment, issues with anger.

Monday, July 28, 2014

friends, food, abandonment

I was incredibly hungover today.  Not sure why.  (bwahaha....did I seriously just type that?)

A coworker of mine is a recovered EDNOS.  She's vegan and hella smart about nutrition.  Most women with eating disorders are very knowledgeable about nutrition.  We read about what we're obsessed with, I guess.  I told her about my idea for a month of vegetarianism to see if that will help me eat normally again.  We e-mailed all day exchanging recipes.

She invites me to lunch at least once a week.  She and another friend/coworker know everything about my issues.  I turn them down every time and I hope they won't stop asking because eventually I want to.  It's hard to eat around people, even safe foods.  I can handle strangers in restaurants and I can handle my parents and sister.  My friend invited me to lunch with them tomorrow.  She's so freaking sweet.  She told me that there was no pressure, but that if I'm going to start eating in front of people it may as well be people that understand my fear.  She has a point.

It doesn't look like it but, I really AM trying.  I get so wrapped up in the mind game.  Our audit at work is over so I'm entertaining the idea that I don't need to be "smart" at work so I can go back to some fasting days.

So far today I've eaten 60 calories worth of fruit.  I know I need to eat something else.  All day at work I planned to make tabbouleh.  Now, I can't bring myself to do it.  Why?  This is so stupid.  I don't want to end up purging tonight.  My throat was sore this morning and my sides hurt.  I'm not sure if it's just leftover from Saturday night or both nights combined.

I'm so indecisive about food sometimes.  I spend forever just talking myself into eating.  I'm always scared that I won't be able to stop.

A few days ago I mentioned that I told another coworker friend about everything going on with me right now.  It was kind of a risk because she doesn't share any of the same issues.  All of my other work friends struggle with similar things, so I consider them safe.  Today she told me she found another job. *sigh*  I'm both sad and angry.  She isn't giving any notice and I'm sworn to secrecy.  That's a really shitty way to quit.  So I'm sad that my friend is leaving.....and I'm pissed because it's totally going to screw me as her coworker.

I still don't know what to eat tonight.  I wonder if my husband is hungry.  He took a cooler into his music room and is doing some recording stuff so I'm pretty sure he's planning to dine on beer tonight.

I could make spaghetti.  Except pasta is really easy to throw up.....and I don't want that temptation tonight.


Sunday, July 27, 2014

3rd blog of the day! (no bueno)

omfg.  I'm drunk. SO drunk.

I've been watching sermons online from the church I've been going to.  Specifically one on Suffering.  Why is this fucking me up so much?  Maybe it's because I'm drinking?  Whatever.

What I want to do right now is binge and puke.  A lot.  I always think that watching sermons online will help deter this.  I think it triggers me more though....as fucked up as that sounds.  I don't know.

I'm pretty sure I've binged/puked to this sermon before.  Fucked up?  Yep.

I really should just go to bed.  I want to purge.  I know that I shouldn't.  I don't think I've drank enough liquid to make it easy.

Ugh.  Just tried to throw up.  Not pretty.  I didn't drink enough water to make it work....well....to make it not hurt, I guess.  Fuck.  Why do I do this?

I guess I'll finish watching the sermon, perhaps attempt another puke.....and then go to bed.

OH the angst

I feel angsty.  Very angsty.  I'm binging....well, maybe.  I've started.  It's in the beginning stages and given my history it's bound to continue.  I'm blogging instead.  And drinking.  *sigh*  I seriously need to cut the booze.  The idea that it's extra calories doesn't phase me.  Ha!

My husband is asleep so I'm free to do whatever I want/need to do.

What did I do today?  I imported a couple of old blogs.....read them before I published them.  That didn't feel triggering though.  I went out to eat, posted about that, nothing triggering there.

I went to church.  I felt like I didn't belong there.  I never belong in church.  I don't know if it's an introverted thing or a religious thing.  I sat in the balcony, like always.  Other people were there, they didn't bother me though.  I'm guessing that the only people that would sit in the balcony for an evening service are introverts also......which means I'm safe for the "turn around and introduce yourself" segment.

They showed a video....the youth went to church camp.  I went to the same camp one year.  Weird....normally our church went to another camp closer to our town.  One year though, we went to this place in New Mexico.  I don't remember anything outside of my eating disorder.  I was in the thick of it then.  I remember one of the camp counselors pulling me aside and telling me her own struggle with anorexia.....that she was married now and free from all of that.....that she realized now that her husband wasn't hung up on the same physical issues that women get hung up on....he preferred that she have "meat on her bones."  I don't even know why she told me that, or how she knew that I was bulimic.  I didn't tell her.....I don't think I did.  Maybe I did and I just don't remember?

Sermon at church was interesting.  I kept spacing out though.  I'll have to watch the whole thing online again. They did communion again.  I swear....this church has communion every other fucking Sunday!  I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb when everybody flocks to the front to get their bread and wine.  I felt really foggy tonight, no focus, couldn't concentrate.  I wanted to though because he mentioned something about doubting Thomas and I'm pretty sure I have a few things in common with that guy.  Oh well.  I'll watch it online.


two introverts walk into a restaurant....

My husband and I went out to eat this afternoon.  Our regular Mexican food spot is never busy, even at normal meal times, they have vegetarian stuff and healthy options and they always remember that we want anything spicy to be kicked up a notch or two.  Today though......no such luck.  Maybe they kicked off a badass advertising campaign or something.  Noon on a Sunday and they were packed. 

We pull into the parking lot.
Husband:  Oooh.....this doesn't look good.
Me:  Nah....it'll be fine!  There's been this many cars in the parking lot before, it's probably just employees.
We walk in the door.
Husband:  Oh god...I don't know.  It's after church on a Sunday, this is ridiculous.
Me:  Fuck, really?  Now we have to find a new Mexican place.  *clutching husband's arm with a death grip*
Husband:  I can just make breakfast food at home.  Do we have eggs?
Me:  No eggs.  Sorry.
Husband:  Bacon?
Me:  Nope.
Husband:  You bought a ton of groceries yesterday....
Me:  I know.  It was all produce....and canned fruit.  And rice.
Husband:  *sigh*
We get the last available table.  Both of us spend the entire time wide-eyed, looking around the place and eaves-dropping on conversations, exchanging knowing glances and occasional "did you hear that!" looks.  It is LOUD in there.  We both eat next to nothing.  Yes, sometimes it really CAN be too loud to eat.  I'm suddenly SO grateful for this man who shares and understands my introverted weirdness.  

We ate most of our leftovers when we got home.  :)  

Saturday, July 26, 2014

turning vegetarian

I've decided to start eating vegetarian again.  Only for the month of August.....but starting today.  :)  I think that it will help me gain some control over food issues.  Over the last couple weeks it seems that all I eat is fast food....and I've been purging a lot.  Looking back at previous vegetarian phases I've actually been excited about cooking and I tend to eat healthier.  I think the desire to purge will lessen if I'm eating food that is actually nutritious and that I've put thought into.  It might also help with cutting because it seems like both purging and cutting follow a binge.

Yesterday I stepped out on a HUGE limb and told a coworker friend about....me.  Everything.  Cutting/Bulimia/Atheism and how I've been questioning that and going back to church.  It really was a great conversation.  I hope that I didn't share too much, I tend to do that sometimes.  I think that she is a safe person though.  She has skeletons of her own, though they are very different from mine.  We ended the night talking about how it seemed like God (coincidence?) that so many of us at work have become close and started to talk to each other about stuff like this.....and about God.

I'm feeling a bit cynical today.  I started to feel weird about the "evening light" thing.  I WISH I knew what this was about and why I felt it.  I decided to combat it with a nap.  I slept for about 2 hours.  I woke up feeling weird still.....but better.

**edit**
So I ransacked my kitchen.  What was I thinking?  I've been trying not to track every calorie but it's impossible to not mentally track it.  I was at about 700 or 800 for the day.  I'm not completely sure what my coffee was this morning because they don't publish nutrition info. I've been googling about the lighting/anxiety issue.  At least my binge was still vegetarian.  HA!  It was also a disgustingly glorious 900 calories.....plus the whiskey.  Fuck, so that makes it over a thousand.  Whatever.  I threw up.  It was too easy.  It's scary that this is getting physically easier to do.  I kept having to lay down on the floor and rest though.  It hurts but it's a good hurt.  Clean hurt.  How the hell can I get so drunk when I throw up the alcohol too?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

drunken binge/purge...wheee!!!

I started off this morning feeling not-so-great.  I had planned on eating less than 200 calories yesterday and, well, that didn't happen.  Nevertheless I didn't feel overly gross today.  Today I ate nothing until about 9:00 tonight.  I made a couple tuna sandwiches (gross, I know) and a box of "suddenly salad" rice something or other.  Plus.....I drank a whole bottle of wine.  Wheee!  I credit the wine for my ability to purge tonight.  ha!  I just did it, and it was way too easy and OH so satisfying.  Also, I'm drunk as hell right now.  I wonder if being drunk means that the wine calories were absorbed?  hmmmm......

I talked to my mom yesterday.  It's been a few weeks, which is rare.  Normally I call my parents two or three times a week.  I'm avoiding them.  Mostly because of the cuts from last week. (that are finally starting heal!!)  15 minutes into the conversation she asked when I thought I'd be able to visit.  *sigh*  I just can't DO it right now.  I can't handle "them" on top of all the religious/addiction/abuse/legalism SHIT that I'm dealing with right now.  I made the excuse that I've been super busy and that I started taking a night class.  Ha!  It's partially true.  A coffee shop that I've started to frequent offers theology teaching.  It's not formal and mostly I'm just reading books, their blog and going and talking to people about what I'm reading.  I'm going though....so technically it's true that I've been too busy to call or visit my parents.

Ugh.  So fucking ridiculous that I have to make excuses like that.

We're having an audit at work this week.  This blows goat nuts.  I hate it.  I hate feeling like I'm taking a test, put on the spot, whatever.  No matter how many years I've been through this, despite the fact that it's the same guy every year and that he's freakishly friendly and easy to talk to......I still hate it.

I want to be more destructive tonight.  To be honest, I really want to cut again.  Puking just wasn't enough.  I know that I didn't get all of it up.  I was okay with that at the time.  Now though, I've had more wine and I don't know if I want to sacrifice the extra drunkenness to get rid of the calories.  HA!  What a conundrum.


Monday, July 21, 2014

it never ends....

Ugh.  The cycle seems so endless sometimes.  I've spent the last week eating like a maniac.  Fast food just about every day.  I was attempting to get back to a normal food routine but the guilt of eating so unhealthy kinda destroyed that idea.  So the plan now is to restrict for a week or two and get back to a weight I'm comfortable with and THEN I'll start over and just eat healthy food and ease into a routine.

This weekend was super depressing.  I went to church yesterday but only because I had nothing better to do.  I've been watching Hemlock Grove on Netflix and our internet pooped out about an hour before I normally would leave.  ha!  Whatever.  So I went.  I just wanted to melt into the woodwork and not be seen though.  I feel very different today but.....for some reason yesterday I felt odd.  A few times I found myself wandering aimlessly around the house.  Weird.

They talked about the Resurrection.  I had some serious issues and questions about the "proof" that he provided for the accuracy of the story.  I need to watch it online a time or two before I can articulate my questions though.

I know that restricting food is just a symptom, just a fake and feeble attempt at maintaining control.  It helps the depression I think.  When I have something to focus on, a goal....I just feel better.

I said that I was going to stop drinking.  Yeah.....that hasn't happened.  I drank both nights this weekend.  Nothing crazy, just enough to get tipsy.  Well, that's not true.  I drank quite a bit Saturday night and didn't go to bed until 3 in the morning or something.

Anyway.  Back to work I go.....


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Dream: vacation angst, dad left me

I was getting ready to leave for a week long trip with my childhood best friend.  Hawaii.  I was stressed over the packing and un-packing process.  I kept remembering things I needed to take, things I had forgotten.  My parents and sister drove me to the airport.  I realized I had forgotten to print my boarding pass.  Thankfully my friend had taken care of that.  We were there two hours early but the place was empty.  It was a small town, small operation.  The woman working there told us to come back closer to the departure time.  They were cutting costs and couldn't afford to stay open for us so early.  My friend and her family decide to find a nearby deli to sit and hang out and waste time.  I want to join them.  There are two rooms separated by glass.  I choose to be in the other room.  Tables are all dirty, chaotic.  We have to rearrange the room just to get to a table.

I suddenly remember something else I've forgotten at home.  Thankfully we have JUST enough time to go get it.  I make a split decision and ask him to drive me.  We get into a van.  As we're driving I realize I'm wearing a skimpy nightgown.  I'm embarrassed and decide to change.  If I don't change in the van, there won't be time.  I get on the floor in the back seat.  I know this is illegal, but I feel I have no choice.  I'd rather risk breaking the rules so I don't have to wear this for my trip.  A cop sees me and drives behind us with his lights/siren on.  My dad speeds up and then I feel the van swerve and then stop.  I remember thinking that it's a miracle I survived this.I'm half naked, I look up in the seat and realize that he is gone.  The van has a flat tire and my dad is gone.  He didn't even bother to close the door.  I stand in the middle of the street and scream in agony.  Pain, anger, abandonment.  I realize that there is no way I'll make my flight.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

in this moment

My heart hurts. I'm not completely sure what this is....or where it's coming from. Sadness? Loneliness?


The feeling was distant this morning but it intensified between 5-7 tonight. It sounds odd that I can pinpoint a time, but it's only because I remember the lighting. (also weird) I hate that time of day, always have. I usually shut the blinds and turn on all of the house lights so I don't see the lighting outside. Geez, I'm so fucking weird! Throughout my life I can remember feeling this way, mostly during the summer. It gives me a knot in my stomach, a twist of emotion that I can't quite describe.

I'm trying to stay in this, not check out....actually FEEL this and figure it out. Wait for God to show up. If, indeed, God is truly what I need, I'm willing to give it a shot.

Last week I told my husband that I cut myself. I showed him. He was upset. I told him that I was drunk and the cuts were worse than normal because of that. I blacked out when I did it. I told him I was going to stop drinking.

I want to drink right now. I want to binge and puke. I want to starve. Anything to numb this, to ignore this....to feel anything other than this.

This week I gained 5 pounds. I've been making a concentrated effort to eat every day. It's been bumpy and certainly not healthy. It is what it is though. I'm not tracking calories, not even reading labels. I haven't been able to run or ride my bike this week because of the cut on my arm. It's not healing very fast. Cycling is too sweaty and requires sunscreen. Running actually makes it hurt worse because of where it's at. My wrist finally looks better, despite the gnarly scar that looks like I tried to commit suicide. Ugh.

I'm trying hard to not just curl into myself and hide away from the world. I dread church tomorrow, I dread seeing people and risking the awkwardness of small talk and the potential disappointment of leaving unfulfilled. I think that I expect too much of God. I want every contact with Him to be intense, to leave an impression. I want epiphanies. I don't want a still small voice that says something mundane.....I want a fucking burning bush that screams from the mountain top that God loves me more than anything......that He really would die just to see me live. Why can't I trust His love? It's so much easier to just pretend He doesn't exist than to risk His love not being real. After all, who am I to expect anything from God? Who am I to even ask? God is God, God is big. Why should I expect even a snippet of His attention?