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Monday, May 26, 2014

today is better

 I feel much less anxious today.  :)  I know it’s only because I’m giving in and restricting though.  I don’t care.  I had 60 calories worth of almond milk and half of a plain english muffin.  Most likely the total is under 200 so I feel good about that.  Originally I planned on having nothing at all today but that usually means my fasting phase will be shorter.  It’s much easier to drag it out if I consume a few calories each day.  Those have always been the times that I lose more than just water weight.

I think this whole religion thing has been way too much for me.  I need to take a step back and not be so aggressive with getting answers.  I had myself wound up so tightly yesterday that I was shaking.  I talked to a couple of the pastors after church.  We exchanged e-mail addresses so we could talk more.   I could barely write my e-mail address because I was so hyped up.

Why am I doing this though?  Why has this triggered me so much?  I’m hoping for an easy day at work tomorrow.  Lack of food tends to make me a bumbling idiot so I don’t need to be dealing with anything that requires much thought.  Ugh.

As much as I really love being this way…..it’s embarrassing when outsiders get involved.  It all seems so silly when I explain it to somebody who has no experience with ED’s.  It’s also embarrassing that I’m in my 30’s and dealing with this.  Most ED bloggers are much younger than me…..I can relate on a few levels but mostly it’s because I remember what I was like when I was their age.  Not that my ED has changed much over the years, I just grew up in spite of it being there.  It’s hard to explain.

I’m adding a few calories via some whiskey.  I need some sleep tonight.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

I'm an Atheist who goes to church....

Holy SHIT what have I done???? I went to church 3 times today. That’s right…..THREE! The pastor was talking about a lot of stuff that “hit home” for me. Afterward (the evening service) I went up to the front to talk to somebody. I’m completely fucked in the head right now in the eating department. As of tomorrow I’m gonna be on a restricting phase.

Last week I found some medical records that my mom kept. Apparently I was in treatment for awhile.  I vaguely remember meeting with a treatment team that included a nutritionist and my medical doctor. My senior year in high school I was medically cleared and considered “recovered.” During college I relapsed, but my family had no idea. As far as my family is concerned, this is completely in the past.

During worship at a retreat I had a vision. I saw myself as a decayed skeleton and I was struggling to lift up these massive, rusty chains. I saw a hand (God, obviously) reach out and just barely touch the chain. They turned to dust and blew away. This was the first time I’d ever had a vision, I just KNEW that God had taken this disease away, that the urges and the thoughts were healed. It wasn’t that simple though. I was still stuck. I attempted to work through things with a therapist but she dumped me because I was “being resistant” to recovery. After that I basically figured out how to be a functioning person with an eating disorder. I knew just how much my body could take before I needed medical help. I was able to balance the addiction with real life and it worked for me.

I didn’t really let go of my eating disorder until I left the church, met my husband and adopted a normal day-to-day life. I think a lot of it had to do with living with another person and caring more about him than myself. Living as an Atheist has actually been my healthy years. Outside the church I’m free from the control and the need for perfection. Atheism has been SO freeing for me. I’m free to just be normal. To be lumpy, curvy and normal. Atheism freed me from the religious perfection, from the need for control in my family, my life.

Fast forward to now. Since I’ve been pursuing the idea of Christianity, I’ve relapsed. Mostly I’m a “restrictive” bulimic, meaning that I binge for a few days and then my method of purging is fasting and/or over-exercise. My weight pretty much stays in the normal range because of the binging……so it’s easy to hide. I’ve been shocked at the total onslaught of disordered thinking though. Before, it took years to develop but now I’m back in the thick of it in a matter of weeks.  I've never fully let go of eating disordered behavior entirely, but this....this is.....

It’s a little exhilarating because I forgot how great this addiction made me feel. (yes, I know that’s totally fucked up but it is what it is.) I can’t help but think that this is linked to religion. Or maybe it had to do with finding my medical records? Seeing all of that was super triggering and I’m not sure why.

If I’m going to pursue Christianity, this is going to completely fuck up (or fuck with) my eating disorder. I’m terrified of what will happen with my husband. He has no idea about any of this.

Monday, May 19, 2014

success....and an evil plan

Today is my wedding anniversary. It's so corny but.....my husband just makes me feel like a giddy school girl.  I never thought I was capable of loving somebody this much....of caring so deeply.   :)

We went out to eat tonight at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We hadn’t been there in months. We used to go every weekend. Yesterday hubby asked if I wanted to go out and I initially panicked and said I wasn’t sure. I used the excuse that my wisdom teeth were hurting again. He was cool with it. For two weeks I’ve eaten less than 200 calories a day. Before that I was under 500 a day. I’ve lost 25 pounds in a month and a half or so. I’m at a normal weight now. I can’t lie and say that I don’t want to keep going…..because I do. Yesterday my husband wanted to make chili dogs. I compromised and had a small bowl of turkey chili while he ate the chili dogs. It was still under 500 and I went for a 25 minute run. Somehow I still gained a pound this morning. I haven’t felt hungry all day though and I’ve been full of energy.

What worries me is that I’ve eaten a normal sized dinner 2 nights in a row. I have NO idea how many calories I ate tonight and I decided early today that I wouldn’t track anything because it’s a special day. I can’t help but obsess. I feel huge. I’m eating Rolaids because my stomach hurts. The thought occurred to me to purge but it was too late by the time I made up my mind to do it. So now I’m sitting in bed feeling miserable and disgusting while my husband sleeps blissfully beside me. *sigh*

So I suppose it’s a success that I ate a normal dinner (half of the restaurant portion, which IS actually a humanly normal amount).

I talked to my mom on my way home from work. They are closing on a new house on Friday. I promised her months ago that I would clean their new place before they moved in. My mind is swimming with ideas. I could easily have a massive binge and purge session in complete privacy. It’s wrong. Part of me knows this is sick and wrong. The bulimic inside me is desperately excited to have a little holiday.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Objections and Doubt

A few weeks ago I found out that a local church is doing a series on doubt and reasons people reject Christianity. I thought it was rather timely since I had just finished reading “I Sold My Soul on Ebay” by Hemant Mehta, aka: The Friendly Atheist. I miss Christianity, I really do. I would LOVE to be convinced that it’s real and true. Recently I decided to try and find some answers to my biggest questions. I haven’t explored Christianity as an Atheist. It was more like I explored Atheism as a Christian.

It’s been probably ten years since I’ve been to church on a regular basis. Maybe less, I’m not sure. Last Sunday was the first time I had been to church as an Atheist. It was um….interesting. I was nervous as hell. (Ha! Hell!) No really, I was sweating profusely and my hands were shaking. I found a spot in the back row, closest to the door. I was hoping to just melt into the crowd and be left alone to observe, reflect and listen. No such luck. A creepy yet well meaning old guy noticed me immediately. (I pride myself on remaining un-noticeable) He sat down and asked me lots of questions about why I was there, how I found them, my church history, etc. He was pretty friendly and I was mostly honest. I told him how nervous I was and that it had been 10 years since I’d been in church. I am SO glad I didn’t tell him I was an Atheist. He started to get a little disciplish with me. Long story short…..he was the typical Christian who just wanted to share Jesus with somebody he assumed had no salvation experience. I’ve been that type of Christian before, so I get where he was coming from. Sweet guy……but I think I’ll avoid him from now on.

The worship segment was pretty cool. There was a super emotional vibe to the whole thing. I wish they turned the lights off though.  I hate feeling watched. Worship was always the most intense part of church for me. I think that having the lights off encourages people to focus inward rather than on what’s going on around them. Unfortunately I was too nervous to even enjoy myself this time. How, exactly, is an Atheist supposed to respond in worship? I’m not even sure that God exists…….yet I found the atmosphere so electric that I could have easily slipped into a worship mode like when I was a Christian. It was an odd feeling for me. I mostly spent the whole time standing like a statue, white-knuckling the chair in front of me. *sigh*

The sermon was pretty awesome. No. VERY awesome. One of the first things he said was that they welcomed Atheists, Agnostics and Doubters of all sorts. We are welcome to come to their church and mingle with them as long as we want. Right away my nerves were soothed. I live in the Bible Belt. My city is NOT an Atheist friendly city. It’s very lonely here when you decide to not believe in God. I miss Christianity mostly for the social aspect. Anyway. Throughout the service they asked the crowd to text their questions……and at the end of the service they would hold a question and answer panel and address as many questions as they could. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that they are doing this.

I have about 3 million questions. None of them could be summed up in a text though and I was very nervous about giving away the fact that I was an Atheist. I jetted out of there like the building was on fire as soon as they dismissed us. Pretty sure I was the first car out of the parking lot. Ha! The second I got home I submitted an online “connect” form. I asked if I could have an e-mail conversation about a few of my questions, since I thought my questions needed more background explanation. I want a discussion…..not just a 30 second answer to a 1 sentence question. After submitting the form I spent the rest of the day writing my questions and explaining my history. I got a reply the same day and I fired off my first e-mail within the hour. These people have NO idea what they just started.   LOL!

I’ll share what I wrote in another blog, maybe.

Thing is…..I kinda “put myself out there” with that e-mail. I was brutally honest and VERY vulnerable. They said in the panel that they promised not to dodge any tough ones. I’m nervous….anxious…..terrified of what will happen when/if this conversation continues.

I plan on sticking it out just for this series. This next Sunday they are addressing Christian Exclusiveness, why do Christians think that only their religion is the correct one. Hopefully I will be less nerve-wracked this time. I’m attending an earlier service time so hopefully the creepy religious guy won’t be there to corner me.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

First Blog Post

The first blog post is always the hardest. I never know where to begin. (all previous entries were imported from Xanga, but it's been awhile since I've written anything)

The proverbial “beginning” is just too overwhelming. Anything in the middle seems vague. The current is….well….impossible without background.

I suppose I’ll just say something about who I am and why I started this blog.

I am an Atheist (most of the time….I suppose). I am eating disordered. (not pro-ana, I’m too old for that even though it intrigues my disease).

I was raised in a very conservative, religious family. I was so sheltered that even a Christian college was culture shock. I’ve attended a church from just about every Christian denomination I could find. I settled on a Non-Denominational church of the Charismatic persuasion. Currently I’m an Atheist. That’s a long story though. I’m still trying to figure it all out.

I love food. I hate food. In many ways I’m a typical American woman.

So I guess that’s it. (awkward!)