Wednesday, May 22, 2013


So.....I guess I'll go out on a limb here and talk about this even though it gives away my location.

I live in Oklahoma....close to where the tornado hit.  If you don't know what I'm talking it.

Things are really bad here and I've been super sad, I don't really have words for it.  Me, my house, my husband, we're all safe.

I have three cousins who are in the hospital with broken bones and stitches, their house is fine though.  Their injuries happened while taking shelter at their work places.  No clue if they have a job still because their building is obliterated.  A friend of mine, her son's body was found in the rubble today.  A coworker's dad was killed.  A friend of mine lost her house and everything she owns, nothing is even worth salvaging.  :(  It's so heartbreaking.  It's given me a lot of perspective I guess.  I've hugged and kissed my husband a LOT since this happened.  A lot of the people that I work with have lost everything they own.  Literally....everything.  Most of them weren't even able to get home the night it happened because there was so much debris in the road and they had everything shut down.  

It's like a war zone here.  The cars, you'd think a bomb had hit them, not a tornado!  

It's just so senseless.  How do people actually believe in a god after something like this happens???

I feel so helpless.  We've helped our friends out as much as we can but it just doesn't feel like much. How do you replace your kids????  Or your dad????   I wish I could buy them a new house, or make it all go away somehow.  In a way, I feel guilty because I haven't lost anything at all.  We were SO lucky.  

If you're the praying type.....Oklahoma sure could use your prayers right now.  If you're the donating it and donate, please!!!!  People here are desperate, they need anything and everything right now. 

Monday, May 6, 2013

being alone (some history)

I'm starting to think that maybe....despite being an introvert.....just maybe....I don't like to be alone.  Hubby was at work for the afternoon.  I had the house to myself, lots of time, lots of quiet.  I didn't really know what to do with myself.  What DID I do?  I ate.  And ate.  Then ate some more.  I'm not even going to bother tracking it.

I grew up in a small religious town.  Apparently my mom felt it was okay to leave me home alone at a young age....4 or 5 I think.  She prepared me for it though.  She took me around the house and showed me the things I could and couldn't touch.  She taught me how to use the phone and she wrote down any phone numbers I would need on a chalk board by the phone.  The first time she left me, it was for probably 10 or 15 minutes.  She went to the gas station a block away.  She showed me that I could stand at the kitchen window and actually SEE her at the gas station.  She was right...I watched her the whole time.  I wasn't scared at all.  In fact, I was never scared when she left me home alone.  It was just....boring and lonely.  I used to wander around the house and look at stuff.  I memorized where things were.  I memorized the paisley embroidery on the table cloth....the patterns on the chairs.  I counted the spackle dots on the ceiling.  

When I got older I started indulging in more disordered things.  In jr. high I was OBSESSED with Denise Austin and Gilad exercise shows on tv.  I would do 2 or 3 hours of tv show workouts every morning during the summer.  Then in the afternoon I would run laps around the field behind our house.  

This afternoon I was remembering all the time I spent alone as a kid, just waiting for somebody to come home.  It's not like I wanted somebody to play with or talk to....I just wanted somebody to be there, in the other room.  My parents said that I was an extremely cold and private child.  I was perfectly happy playing in my room alone for hours on end.  In reality, maybe I was actually a sad kid.  I honestly don't know.  I have no memory of any actual emotion as a child....only stale memories of experiences.

Well there you have it.  Therapy blogging in action.  

Sunday, May 5, 2013

success, Rocky and spandex

I'm pretty proud of myself for yesterday.  I handled it exactly like I've wanted to handle weekends.  Work out.  Eat what I want IF I'm hungry....but still make healthy choices or variations and stop when I'm full.

I worked out pretty hard yesterday.  I alternated between running on my treadmill and my elliptical.  My legs were shaky afterward and that has not happened in a long time!  I was also comfortably out of breath almost the whole time and sweating buckets.  It was awesome!!

We watched Rocky last night.  I love that movie.  It always makes me smile...and makes me want to go for a run and punch something.  LOL!  

My husband bought some weird new beer yesterday.  It's called India Pale Ale.  

So ONE of those beers kicks my ass.  I'm the girl that drinks whiskey!!!  ONE BEER!  haha!  I wasn't falling down drunk or anything but I did get hungry and I spent 20 minutes debating on what or if to eat.  I decided to make some spicy potato and corn soup.  It was 320 calories.  Not great, but definitely not horrible.  I don't regret it this morning.  I also don't feel bloated and gross.  I feel a little sore from my workout.  I don't feel empty though....which is weird for me.  I kind of like mornings when I feel completely empty, if that even makes sense.

Anyway.  So today my husband has to go in to work and overhaul some servers.  In the meantime I'm going to do some cleaning and possibly go for a ride if it warms up enough.  I'm not in the mood to struggle into my suffocating winter gear.  gah!  I'm ready for the day when I can throw on my shorts and tank top and ride.  My skin needs some fresh air.  *chuckles*  It's weird that I even say that.  I haven't worn real shorts in public since I was in junior high.  As an adult....the ONLY shorts I've ever worn in public are spandex padded cycling shorts.  How crazy is that?  Somehow, I don't feel self conscious in bike clothes.  Maybe it's because everybody else is wearing them too.  People of all sizes have seen the need for cycling shorts.....spend an hour on a bike and you'll be a padded spandex convert too.  LOL!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

more food and weight dribble

So far today has been good.  :)  Every saturday, the hubby and I go out to eat.  We've been hooked on this  mexican place.  Today they were closed because of a power outage so we were forced to find someplace else.  I like our normal place because they have vegetarian options.  I was really wanting to try the spinach enchiladas today.  We ended up going to another hole in the wall down the street.  It was surprisingly delicious...AND they offered smaller portions of everything on the menu.  I definitely ate my daily allotment of calories though.  I saved most of the beans and rice for the dogs.  My enchilada and tamale were small/normal sized and perfect!  I left feeling full but not guilty.  For dinner if I'm even hungry I'll make some juice.  In a little while I'm thinking of heading to the lake either for a walk or a bike ride.  It's pretty windy today so riding might be more of a hassle, we'll see.

This morning I was able to fit into some pants that I bought about a month ago.  I purposely bought them too small.  They still don't fit quite how I want them to, but I'm getting close.  Another 5, maybe 10 pounds and they will fit perfectly.  I'm excited that I'm finally finding some jeans that don't have the stupid waist gap in them.  I hate wearing belts!!  I need my own personal tailor, I swear.  

Anyway.  I'm off to putter around the house and find something to do until my stomach settles enough to go work out.

Friday, May 3, 2013

decisions, decisions

I can't decide what, or if, I want to eat tonight.  I haven't eaten anything solid since Wednesday.  I juiced both yesterday and today.  Today has been a weird food choice day.

As soon as I walk in this morning I'm smacked in the face with a box of donuts.  I politely lie and say that I've already eaten breakfast.  Donuts mortify me right now.  The last time I ate one I thought my heart would explode from the sugar rush.  (not to mention the panic of breaking a long streak of eating super low calorie stuff)

Then....another girl invites me to her office to try this green smoothie that she's been making for breakfast every day.  I got all excited when I heard her talking about it yesterday because, well, I love finding people who are into juicing and eating healthy.  So I go up there and she starts pouring it into this cup.....and keeps pouring....and pouring.  Finally I panic and tell her to stop, that it's way too much since I've already eaten breakfast (a lie...I'm going to hell, I know.)  I taste it before asking her what's in it.  HUGE mistake.  I get a mouth full of aspartame.  EW!  The base taste was pretty good.  She just ruined it by putting some Peach Water shit in it.  I don't do artificial sweeteners.  I'd rather use natural ways to sweeten my drinks/smoothies.  Honestly, it was plenty sweet just with the banana she put in it.  I was polite though.  I sucked it down, then raved about it.  :)  I'm sure the small amount of aspartame I ingested won't give me cancer.  I can't believe people think that tastes normal.  

I'm happy that some more people around me are starting to care about what they eat.  I'm going to try her recipe this weekend but I'm going to use some of my own green juice as the base instead of the flavored water.

And now it's time for dinner.  Hubby isn't hungry because he had a fast food lunch and now feels sick to his stomach.  I'm in the mood to celebrate the fact that it's friday.....and I sort of want to eat something special but I don't know what I want.  It has to be something safe....something that won't just make me run back to the kitchen and binge until 2 in the morning.

I'm thinking potato soup....or maybe a veggie burger.  OR I have some veggie sausage that I can make with some scrambled eggs.  What I REALLY want is an entire pizza.  Or a huge platter from Taco Bueno.

Gah!  I know that weekends are for allowing myself to eat more normally but it's hard to not go overboard with it.  It took me all week to lose what I gained in just one weekend.  If I keep doing that, then I will never get below what I weigh now.

Mkay.  Off to the kitchen to debate with myself.