Tuesday, April 30, 2013

work changes

Hello Xanga.  Obviously I am too lazy to find a new place to blog.  It's too much work.  Besides....the few of you other bloggers that are still here are actually interesting.  :)  I won't abandon you yet.

So today I've had ummm....I think 178 calories or so?  My jaw is KILLING me.  I don't know if my wisdom teeth are coming in, or what.  Both sides hurt like crazy.  Maybe I've just been stressed lately and I've been clenching my jaw?  I dunno.  It's not like it's bad on the ol' diet routine.  haha!  

I'm really loving my juicer.  I made tomato/carrot/red bell pepper juice yesterday.  It was delicious!  I was surprised at how much juice I got out of the carrots.  My favorite is still the classic "mean green" juice.  It just tastes really good and it's super healthy.  

Work has been weird lately.  I traded desks with another girl.  I was MORE than happy to trade with her.  I was literally face to face with my supervisor.  She talked ALL damned day (even though she yells at all of us for talking to each other too much) and her breath is really stinky.  When she's sick, she refuses to call in and she doesn't cover her mouth when she coughs.  Her breath is even worse when she's sick.  So when this chick asked if I wanted to trade I was ecstatic.  I'm kinda sad that I left my buddy over there.  This other girl and I worked really well together.  We'd team up on the work load and we'd vent to each other.  She was a lot of fun and she kept me chilled out.  She had no problem telling me when I was getting too uptight.  Plus....she was a foodie.  I loved talking to her about recipes.  She's on weight watchers so we could talk about diet/weight stuff too.  I have my own little hidey hole now.  My desk is in a corner, it's quiet and it's private.  My output numbers have almost doubled since I's insane how much work I'm able to get done when I don't have people pushed up against me.  I have a bigger desk too so I have room for a lamp and some pictures.  But.  I miss my friend.  We e-mail all day though, just to vent and have an outlet for bitching about crazy co-workers.  I kinda feel bad that I left her stuck over there.  She absolutely can't stand the girl I traded with.  Nobody likes her.  She's kinda lazy.  Lazy doesn't fly very long with this company but for some reason all the bosses love her so she never gets fired.  Whatever.  The more of her work that I do....the better I look.  

Well I guess that's all I have to say right now.  

Monday, April 29, 2013

missing my books

Today was fun.  I spent the morning perusing the grocery store.  I got a ton of stuff to juice for the week.  My plan is to juice for at least one meal a day every day this week.  We spent the afternoon chilling outside.  Hubby cooked a ton of stuff on the grill for both us and the dogs later in the week.  I didn't go crazy eating today.  I ate what I wanted but I kept my portions normal-sized.  I have to remind myself that I WILL be able to eat again.....I don't have to gorge myself when we eat my favorite foods.  It's almost like my mind thinks that I will never get to eat that food again, even though we'll have leftovers.  Weird.  Hubby went to bed already at 8:30 so I'm still awake and trying to keep my head out of the fridge.

Reading this book (Wasted, Marya Hornbacher) has reminded me of a lot of stuff from my past.  I forget sometimes that I've been doing this for 20 years.  Yep, that's right....two whole decades of this shit.

When I was 14ish I started a journal.  It's kinda corny....I titled it my "little-ing book."  I wrote anything and everything in it that could help me stay on track towards getting little.  I had lists of places to puke.  Lists of safe foods, lists of calorie contents.  Lists of people I knew who had eating disorders and could be triggering to hang out with.  Lists of books that were about ed's.  I even had a list of celebrities who had died from eating disorders.  How fucked up is that?  To be honest, I wish I still had my book.  When I was in my 20's and seeing a counselor for this stuff she asked me to surrender all of my eating disorder things.  I had a huge box full of books that I gave her.  GAH!  She has a rather nice ed library now, if she even kept any of it.  I spent so much money buying all those books.  My little-ing book was in the mix.  She told me she burned it.  I don't believe her.

It seems childish to try and start a book like that now because I'm 32 years old and my perspective is totally different.  I don't feel the need to make lists like that anymore.  I still have the same obsession with ed's but it's not like it's difficult to find stuff online.  Making a journal of lists just seems silly now. feels a little crazy.  I don't purge now and I haven't been a regular purger in quite a few years.  I'm a tiny bit ashamed to admit what all I put in that book.

Whatever.  I'm gonna go snuggle up on the couch, read for awhile....and try to get sleepy before I do anything stupid.

rough night

WTF am I doing?  It's kind of a rough night.  I ate 1 meal was quite a few calories because it was out at a restaurant.  I burned a lot of calories today though.  I'm really just feeling crazy right now.  I have leftovers in the fridge that I reeeally want to eat but I know that would be a bad idea.  I would either throw it up or just feel horrible about myself and gain weight from it.  GAH!  Why do I do this????

I guess it doesn't help that I've been watching ED tv shows online.  I watched both Starving Secrets and What's Eating You.  I really wanted to go to bed with an empty stomach.  Usually watching ED shows helps with that but not tonight.  I know I'm hungry just because of my bike ride....

Well fuck.

Hubby fell asleep a long time ago and I was wide awake so I got up to watch stuff online.  I knew I shouldn't have.  I KNEW it would be triggering.  Why the fuck do I do this to myself?   I really just need to go to bed.  If I go to bed now then tomorrow I will have nothing to regret.

Watching those tv shows makes me wonder people REALLY recover from this shit?  Not that I think I have a serious's just minor.  Honestly though.  I can't picture my life without thinking about this.  Without worrying that I've gained.  Without planning my day, allotting for every calorie, striving to be under the "magic" number.

Fuck this.  I'm going to bed.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

productive day

I can't remember the last time I've had such a productive day.  It feels pretty good to have so much accomplished.  I cleaned most of my house.  Most meaning....everything but the showers/tubs.  It was a top to bottom spring cleaning type of job.  Then the hubby and I went out to eat, mexican food.  I did pretty good calorie wise.  I had a hard time logging it though because it was a hole in the wall restaurant and they don't have published nutrition info.  I did my best guess.  I only ate about half of everything on my plate.  I'm saving the rest for dinner some night during the week.  Tomorrow hubby wants to cook out.  He said it was up to me what he made and I haven't really decided yet.  I'm kinda leaning toward beer can chicken or maybe just barbecue some veggie burgers that I can re-heat later in the week and some hot dogs for the dogs.  Why fire up the grill if you're just going to make stuff for one meal?

I also made it to the lake to ride my bike today.  I rode a little over 10 miles.  It was a crazy stop and go ride....not the most fun I've had, but whatever.  Apparently the entire state of Oklahoma decided to walk/run on the same route that I ride.  I swear!  There were a lot of rude people out too.....or deaf.  I always holler and let people know when I'm behind them so that they have time to scoot over and let me pass them.  I even tell them which side I'll be passing them.  Today though, people were just stupid and wouldn't let me pass.  I did a lot of riding in the grass.  This one kid freaking stops his bike sideways in the MIDDLE of the path blocking both lanes.  Helloooo!!!!  I almost mowed him down because I was riding really fast around a corner and didn't see him.  Thankfully I had room to swerve into the grass around him.  Anyway.  I burned a nice amount of calories according to my tracker.  

Tonight, the hubby and I are going to watch movies until we fall asleep.  I can't wait until the summer heat sets in so it will be warm enough to ride when the sun comes up.  I miss the quiet morning rides.  I could probably do it now but I hate having to wear all my winter garb just to get too hot half way through and have no where to stash it.

Guess I'll go peruse the movies and find something I want to watch.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

new book, new period products (TMI warning)

I haven't updated in forever.  What's the point?  Xanga seems rather dead now.  Where did all of you go??!!  Plus, I can't change my theme.

So for the last month or so I've eaten like crap.  I gained back 8 of the 30 pounds I lost.  I didn't have the heart to enter that into my tracker.  Boo.  This week though I have been super healthy and I've eaten at or below my calorie range every day.  I've already lost 5 pounds.  I hope it isn't all just water weight but it probably is.  I've been chugging water like a whale at work.

I'm on my period this week so I haven't really felt like working out.  This is total TMI but....I'm attempting to go "tampon free" for a while.  I've done some reading and it seems like some issues I've been having could be due to overusing tampons....not to mention the chemicals they use to bleach the cotton or whatever the hell they stuff it with. I want to try menstrual cups and cloth pads.  Yep.  You read that right.

The pads are actually not so bad.  It's expensive to get started but if you take care of them correctly they should last for 10 years or more.  Plus, it's better for the environment.  I'm such a hippie.

The cups?  Hmmm.....jury is still out on that one.   I tried it last night and it was a-freaking-mazing!!  Normally I would have to get up and change my tampon and my back up pad once.  Last night.....I didn't have to get up at all AND the pad I wore just in case was completely untouched this morning.  Today at work though, I leaked all over the place and had to go home at lunch to take the cup out and switch to a tampon.  GRRRR!!!!  Maybe I just didn't get it positioned right.  I dunno.   IF that's the case and IF I can get through the learning curve on putting it in, then I think this cup thing might be a life saver.

So enough about my period woes.

I bought the book "Wasted" this weekend.  I'm pretty sure every eating disordered person out there has heard of this book.  I can't believe I've never read it until now.  So far it's eye-opening.  There are a lot of similarities between her personality and mine.  Our families are not so similar.  My family is rather bland and not even the tiniest bit dramatic.  I, on the other hand, have always been the over-emotional flamboyant one.  I used to spend hours in front of the mirror talking, making faces, and just seeing what I looked like when I made certain movements or gestures.  I like to know what other people are seeing.  If a facial expression seemed odd, then I'd practice a different way to make it.  Yup.  I'm a weirdo.  Apparently Marya Hornbacher is a weirdo too though.

Hmmm...well.  That's all I've got for now.  I feel like talking and writing.....I just don't feel like dealing with xanga right now.  I seriously need to find a new place for a blog that will be easy to keep anonymous.