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Friday, March 15, 2013

TTFSMIF!!

finally managed to get to the lake for a bike ride!  I had so much fun too.  The weather was perfect and I had more than enough sunlight. I was worried about getting stranded too far away from my car when it started getting dark.  I don't have any lighting equipment at all.   There were a lot of walkers and runners out so I opted to veer onto a low traffic country road so I wouldn't have to worry about swerving around crazy children and deaf runners.  I rode 8 miles in 40 minutes.  That isn't too shabby considering it was windy as hell and I chose a route with a monster hill.  Yay me.  :)

I'm not sure what the deal is but, my calorie count for the last 3 days has been incredibly low..... I haven't been hungry.  Maybe it's because I'm eating a large amount of super low calorie things.  I've made a monster salad every night.  THREE cups of greens, plus alfalfa sprouts, tomatos, feta cheese and a hard boiled egg.  Normally I don't use dressing if I'm eating feta in a salad.  You don't even need dressing because the saltiness from the cheese is so strong.  I've been using spray dressing too.  Normally I don't get into gimmicky diet stuff, but it actually tastes good and it's really low calorie.  Lunch and breakfast all three days has been only fruits and veggies.  :)  It's amazing how much energy I have on so few calories.

My plan for the weekend?  Hubby has to work.  Boo.  Saturday while he's gone I'm going to go crazy cleaning the house and maybe work on my flower bed if the weather isn't crappy.  I'm hoping to make it to the lake to ride both days, depending on how I feel.

Ummmm.....not much else to say right now.  Gonna go make some coffee and settle onto the couch for a Tremors movie marathon with the hubby.  

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Food Memories

I'm feeling squirrelly today.  I went to the store after work and I scored a shit-ton of amazing looking produce.  A few things I bought simply because they looked pretty.  (how weird is that??)  What the fuck am I supposed to do with a turnip?  I've never eaten one before.  It looked cool though, so I bought it.

I feel like I've eaten a lot today but when I tracked it all, it came out to less than 500 calories.  I'm not hungry.  Whatever.  I'll take it.  Right now I'm treating myself to some decaf coffee with some Bailey's in it.  :)  I've been restless ever since I got home.  I wanted to go ride my bike tonight but circumstances didn't allow it to happen before it got too dark.  TV sucks.  I don't feel like playing Warcraft.  I piddled around on the something fishy site and meh.....I'm just not in the mood to do anything.  I want to work out, but I don't feel like changing clothes or taking a shower afterward.  I feel like sitting here and willing the pounds away, if that even makes sense.  I just want to sit and think and focus on getting smaller.  Wow.  That's pathetic.  I can't wait to see what I weigh in the morning.

So instead of being pathetic, I figure I'll start the EDA workbook questions. 
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1. Make a list of food memories, from an early age until now. This can go in order, or just be 
random. It's amazing how many memories you will find, once you write down the obvious 
ones. Do not spend more than an hour at this activity. So often we are tempted to overdo. 
See how much you can write down in half an hour or even twenty minutes.

-my childhood favorite food was spaghetti, my parents thought it was hilarious how messy I was

-almost every meal we ate contained ground hamburger because it was cheap and my dad was a picky eater

-my mom told me that I didn't like spicy food.....so I thought I didn't.  I LOVE spicy food now and I resent her for telling me what I liked instead of letting me taste it for myself.

-my mother and grandparents were Mennonite - a lot of their culture involves food so I have a lot of memories of eating weird Ukrainian foods when we visited them.  I remember my dad being worried that there would be nothing he would like.  I secretly hated him for being so picky.  I loved that when we were with my mom's family, our food did not revolve around my dad.  To this day.....our family's food revolves around HIM and what HE wants to eat.

-my favorite Mennonite foods were (and still are) zweiback, bubbat, and kirschen or pluma moos

-blueberry muffins were the first food I ever hoarded.  I hid them under my bed.  My mom had bought them for Sunday breakfast for the family and when she asked me where they were I lied.....and then she busted me and told me she had found them.

-the first food I ever purged was my mom's concoction of mixed veggies and hamburger meat with taco seasoning in it  (she calls it goulash)

-every saturday morning my parents would go out for breakfast, they would bring home donuts for my sister and donut holes for me

-sunday lunch after church was always the "special" meal of the week....usually chicken fried steak or meatloaf 

-every sunday afternoon we would eat HEAPING bowls of ice cream as a family

-sunday night after church we would always have pizza

-my sister taught me how to make kraft macaroni and cheese on the first night that my parents left us alone and went out to dinner by themselves....we picked it because my dad refused to eat pasta

-when I was a kid I would sneak into the fridge and lick the butter sticks.  My mom busted me when she saw teeth marks on one of them.

-my favorite after school snack was a slice of bread with peanut butter, I would always draw a heart in it with my knife like the kids in the Skippy commercials.

-we weren't allowed to have fruit loops or lucky charms as kids....that was the ONLY kind of cereal I would eat when I went to college

-the two things I ate most in college were fast food bean burritos and ramen noodles with cheezits stirred into it

-in highschool my friends and I hung out at Dairy Queen (small town....literally nowhere else to go)  I loved that place because they had an outdoor single room bathroom.  That's where I started purging because it was private and icecream was easy to throw up.

-after college, I mostly ate "box food" because I had no idea how to cook anything else

-after college, my favorite binge food was a cheeseburger, fries and dr. pepper

-when I got married, my husband taught me to love cooking....REAL meals....complete with side dishes.  (we rarely had side dishes growing up, it was always a  one-pot type of meal)

-for the first year that we were married, I forgot completely about my eating disorder......we had a bedtime snack every night, usually a pbj or ice cream.

-as an adult.....even though I fight with an eating disorder....I love food and I absolutely LOVE trying new things

-the last time my parents visited us, my husband wanted to make something super special that my mom would love and never have a chance to try.  He made tortellini carbonara, complete with a parsley garnish.  We refused to cook a separate meal for my dad so he had to go buy himself a cheeseburger somewhere.  My mom raved about that meal for at least a month.

-the last time I visited my parents, my dad made my mom get up at 5:30 a.m. to eat breakfast with us "as a family" even though she was in excruciating pain after having surgery.  She sat at the table and cried.  I wasn't hungry, neither was my sister or my niece.  My dad was the ONLY one that felt like eating breakfast.

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Wow....after looking at this I kinda feel like telling my dad to just go fuck himself.  It's kinda scary how many memories of food involve him!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Mondays are for rambling

*yawn*  I'm still not awake and it's um...almost 7:30 pm.  This time change is kicking my ass.  My alarm scared the crap out of both of us this morning.  Even the dogs looked annoyed and unwilling to get up.

I stayed up late last night reading online.  I feel like rambling, so put your reading hats on....

When I was in jr. highschool I was absolutely OBSESSED with reading about eating disorders.  I read every book the library had on the subject and I would stay up late at night researching stuff online.  This was before anything pro-ana or online thinspo.   My absolute favorite website was the Something Fishy site.  I never used it to get tips and tricks, I was simply obsessed with reading about what I was doing. 

So last night I decided to see if it was still there.  And.....IT IS!!!!  It brought back a lot of memories.  I was perfectly content spending Friday night alone wrapped up in a blanket, in the dark, reading all the articles on Something Fishy.  I would wait for my parents to go to bed though and I'd delete my browsing history so they wouldn't find out.  

Last night I also found some of the EDA literature that I went through several years ago.  I'm still not into the 12 step thing but I love that they have journal questions that are designed to help you define why you do what you do.  I think I'm going to start doing some of that on here.  Whether or not I want to be healthy and free of any disordered eating comes and goes though.  Honestly, right now in this second.....I don't want to be.  I had a low calorie day and it feels good.  My legs are deliciously sore from last night's workout.  BUT....I must remind myself that this "skinny phase" will not last.  Eventually, if I don't figure out how to even out my habits, I WILL have a bingeing phase and it will be unpleasant and ugly.

Plus.....now that the internet is rather pro-eating disorder.....I don't have to censor myself.  I used to hate not being able to really talk about my habits in support groups because we weren't allowed to trigger each other.  I'm not here to trigger anybody now but....I refuse to deny the ugly truth of what I've done and what my eating disorder has done to me.  The way I see it, truly desperate anorexics will find a trigger wherever they can.  I used to get my triggers from reading boring medical articles on this stuff.  Ha!

Um.  I'm done now.  (Dude!  I never really know how to end a blog....I write for me and yet other people read it.  It isn't a letter, it isn't an article.  omfg I think way too hard)

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Day One of being healthy

I spent three hours last night researching local therapists that handle addictions and eating disorders.  There really isn't much available in my area, kinda sad.  They are all so expensive too!!  I found one that I really liked.  She has qualifications in both psychology AND she's a registered dietitian.....well....her average session costs a minimum of 150 bucks.  No sliding scale and she doesn't accept any insurance.  *sigh*

Our local EDA group doesn't even meet anymore!!  I'm not big on 12 step programs but that group was always pretty chill about the god stuff and they didn't do any group chanting or push any sayings.  (that stuff just weirds me out.....feels like a cult to me)

I'll just have to kick this myself.  I really want to get to where I can eat healthy again.  I KNOW in my head what healthy is....I don't know why I can't actually DO it.  I'm either one extreme or the other.  The drinking thing will be easy to kick, it always has been.  In fact, I typically drink when I'm going through a binge phase.  

Maybe I'll dig out my old EDA workbook stuff.  I could use the discussion questions for blog/journal subjects.

So breakfast?  Nothing yet.....kinda feeling anxious and not sure what I want to eat.  I'm scared to eat anything at all for fear of overdoing it.  Hubby is making some sort of pasta thing tonight and it looked like he had a lot of veggies in the bag of groceries he bought. 

Saturday, March 9, 2013

frustrated with myself

Last night was embarrassing to say the least.  I'm reluctant to even write about it on here, but what the hell.  

I got drunk.  Really drunk.  Like.....I seriously need some help type of drunk.  I don't even remember going to bed.  I woke up still wearing my clothes and shoes.  Apparently I cooked last night.  It's a miracle I didn't freaking burn down the house or hurt myself.  I also violently puked all over the bathroom.  I'm so disgusted with myself.  It wasn't a purge either, I threw up because I was sick from drinking.

I've only gotten drunk enough to puke once in my life and I swore I would never do it again.  

So how do I fix this?  Obviously I'm prone to addiction.  Am I an alcoholic?  I don't really think so......I think I'm an addict more than anything.  It seems like I overdo just about anything.  Food, diets, booze.  I even had a cutting phase.  Ugh.  I can't afford treatment.  AA is out of the question because I just can't swallow the Higher Power idea.

**sigh**

I'm just not happy with where I'm at in life.  I mean, I'm happy.....I just feel like I could be doing so much more.  I'm disappointed that I'm not racing right now.  I haven't ridden my bike in forever and I haven't run in at least 2 weeks.  I think that if I had healthier habits that I would mentally be free to focus on getting in shape enough for a race.  Why am I so quick to give up?  I know that if I hop on my bike tomorrow I could easily ride 20 miles.  You don't just suddenly lose everything you've gained from working hard in the past.  I'm so black and white with things.  If I'm not dedicated to a race or riding 50 miles a week then I feel like I shouldn't even bother to ride at all.

I've at least been healthy today.  I ate a fruit and walnut salad from McDonalds for breakfast.  LOVE those things!  I think they put crack in their yogurt.  

For lunch I had stuffed fish (husband's amazing concoction).

Dinner?  Meh.  Maybe I'll make some spaghetti if I get hungry.  After last night I honestly didn't feel like eating anything at all today.  I have to break these unhealthy habits though.....even restricting.  It just isn't healthy.  It isn't healthy physically or mentally.

Friday, March 1, 2013

happy Friday!!!

Today was pretty fabulous, despite working a ridiculous amount of hours.  I got a skinny vanilla latte on my way home from work and that sort of made up for having to work almost 12 hours straight.

I'm skipping dinner tonight, I guess.  I'm really not hungry after drinking my coffee.  I ate pretty bad today too.  If I get hungry I'll just eat some carrots and hummus.  One of the girls at work brought donuts because she felt bad for something she did yesterday.  I ate one.  GAH!  Oh well.  It's been a stressful week and I tend to take my emotions out on my diet. Oddly enough I haven't gained anything lately and I've been eating pretty crappy for awhile. This weekend I really need to sit down and come up with some healthy stuff that I can make ahead of time....that I'll actually eat.  I really hate eating cold stuff all the time so whenever I bring fruits veggies to work I end up just getting fast food anyway because I think I need something hot.  It's silly, I know.

So I ended up being sick on my birthday....and for most of this week.  I still don't feel totally up to snuff.  I felt SO bad that I called in sick on my birthday. 

Anyway.  Hope everybody has a fun and healthy weekend!!