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Sunday, February 24, 2013

my birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I'm a tiny bit depressed about that.   My husband has absolutely no sympathy for me in that area since he is 12 years older than me.  Ha!  

So I'm going to adopt the mindset of age as a lifestyle, not as a number.  I really do love my life.   I love that my husband and I break all of the "rules" of adult-hood.  I love that I actually found a man that doesn't want to settle down and have kids....ever.  I love that we spend all of our money on each other and our hobbies.  I love "carelessly" devoting most of our house to recording music, making art, gaming and working out......instead of boring guest rooms, offices or children.  I love that when our neighbors find out that we don't have kids, they're shocked because we have a trampoline, a tire swing, and an archery range in our back yard.  :)

So anyway.  I have no plans for my birthday.  Hubby is going to cook something delicious for me and we'll just sit around and watch movies or something.  Monday birthdays blow.  I should have taken the day off from work but I didn't think about it in time to ask for it.  Oh well.

Hope everybody has a blissful Sunday!!!!

Monday, February 18, 2013

better

Today was better...kinda.  I ate like crap but I'm not all weird and emotional like I was last night.  Not sure what that was all about.

Work was full of drama today.  Boo.  I felt really bad for this girl at work.  She chopped all her hair off this weekend and people were making fun of her behind her back.  I thought it looked really cute on her, but I have no style sense whatsoever.  People are just shallow assholes.  She's been planning this surprise baby shower for another girl at work.....a girl who she thinks is her friend.  They take all their breaks together.  Yet this other girl is saying such horrible things about her.  I wanted to smack her.  I was sucked into her friendship for awhile last year when I started this job.  We rode bikes together.  I'm a flaky friend so I haven't really done anything with her in a long time....and now I'm kind of glad.  Last week I walked into work and overheard her telling my supervisor that she was tired of my stupid mistakes.  I confronted her on what she said and she was all rainbows and glitter about it and immediately took it all back.  Fuck her.  I'm not going to her baby shower.  Maybe I'll use the money I would spend on a gift to get something nice for the shower hostess who is being trash-talked.  Sheesh.  Why are people so ugly?  

Sunday, February 17, 2013

annoyed, angry, triggered....

This weekend was a great weekend. My kitchen has never been cleaner, my floors are spotless, the living room has been deep cleaned and rearranged. I feel weird though. I ate like crap. Translation:  I ate like a normal person this weekend. I hate that. I don't want to eat normal. I want to exist on absolutely nothing. I want to have the willpower to plan a fasting day and stick to it.

So obviously I'm feeling a little triggered. I watched an ed movie on youtube this evening. I wanted something to kick me back into gear for tomorrow and blogs and thinspo just weren't cutting it. The movie brought back some really awful memories of highschool. One memory in particular: one of my teachers confronted me about some disordered behavior. She told the school counselor. I was beyond pissed at her....and terrified. The counselor met with me and right then and there said she wanted to call my mom to the school for a meeting. That was literally the worst day of my life. I don't want to get into the specifics right now but, my parents were never supportive of any real recovery and they never educated themselves about eating disorders. They just thought they could pray it away. Give me over to God and I'll get better, right?  

I'm too old for this shit. I'm horribly embarrassed to even say that. It seems like everybody on here is so young. Online, all of the pro-ana's are teenagers. It's kind of depressing.

**deep breath** I'm 32. My relationship with food has not been normal since oh....12 years old maybe? I used to always think that I would grow out of this, that I would be in my 30's and be a bombshell, having achieved my goal weight, having spent my teens and 20's perfecting my body. I honestly didn't think that I would have this mindset forever.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I don't want to change, I love this lifestyle and I'm sad to say that I don't think I'm "there" yet with my weight. That sounds so silly. I know this is stupid, I know that I'm hurting myself. I care....and yet I don't. I need this, I need the solace of losing myself in planning, list making, calorie counting, etc. The last few months have been such a high for me. I've achieved some weight loss goals that I hadn't thought possible.

While I was watching the movie I was surfing for ED sites and googling for some triggering stuff to read. I stumbled onto a website written by a woman who is recovered and now works as an ED therapist. (whatever, they all are like that, right?) She had a nice list of movies....which I will be checking out soon. She also had a link to this chick....Karen Phillips. She's a parent who claims to have "cured" her daughter of anorexia and bulimia. *sigh* She has this amazing home therapy technique. She claims to have thought of it while reading about the history of bulimics in Rome. *rolls eyes* It's all bullshit. It's a scam, it's a ploy to make money off of parents who are worried and don't know how to help their kid. If you google her further you find out that she's big in the business world.....specifically in the area of creating a brand.
I don't want to talk about her anymore.

I wish I could just clear my head. I guess watching that movie (and finding that website) did the trick of kickstarting me back into my plan for tomorrow. Is that healthy? That's a big fat no.
Sometimes I wonder about everybody I see here on Xanga. Nobody really posts their story....why they do what they do. Maybe nobody thinks about it. I worry that everybody here will look at me and think "oh hell....I'm going to end up like HER in 10 years."

Gawd, this is depressing.
Whatever.

Plan for tomorrow?
Coffee for breakfast.
Nothing for lunch. I'm going to do some sort of exercise at lunch, even if it's just crunches in my car.
Dinner? I think I might just drink a slim fast or eat some frozen brussels sprouts. Mondays are usually big lunch days for the hubby so he will most likely skip dinner.
For now.....I'm going to snuggle up in bed with a book and try to escape my brain and this world for a little while.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

I. want. to ride. my BIKE!!!

I woke up this morning feeling super skinny.  :)  My stomach feels all flat and empty and my butt is a tiny bit sore and tight from working out yesterday.  Before bed last night I weighed 133 and this morning I was 134.  WTF?  Whatever.   Normally I weigh more in the evenings and less in the morning....then fluctuate back up throughout the day.  It could be from the 1/2 pot of coffee I drank last night. Yeah....I wanted to stay up late and play World of Warcraft.  Don't EVEN underestimate my nerdy-ness.  :)

My plan for today was to head for the lake to ride my bike.  I can't though because it freaking SNOWED last night!!!  Seriously?  It's been in the 60's the last few days.  Hopefully it will warm up enough so I can go.  I've been getting really bitchy without my weekly rides.  I neeeeed those rides to clear my head and to give my brain a chance to work through some shit.  Running just doesn't do that for me, I don't know why.  Maybe it's the endurance aspect.  I'm not a very strong runner, so I rarely run more than 2 miles at a time and I run slow.  When I cycle, I can shut out the physical pain and I can ride for several hours.  Plus, I love the thrill of struggling up a hill and then sailing down the other side at top speed.   I have cold-weather gear, I just need to suck it up and get out there.  Even though I loathe hot weather, I'll be happy when summer gets here and I can do my 5AM rides again.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I luff him :)

We went out to a hole in the wall Italian place tonight.  We've been there several times.  The food has never been fabulous there, but they usually step up their game for valentines day.  We honestly go there because they are NEVER busy (even tonight!) and they always dote on us like we're royalty.  They aren't stingy with the wine and they are always attentive and so nice.  They know us there, mostly because I ALWAYS leave my leftovers and come back inside all panicky hoping they haven't thrown it out yet.  

Tonight they put is in a back quiet corner and because our overhead light burned out halfway through, they brought us a candle.  HOW freaking cool (and cliche) is that?!

Anway.  I'm a little tipsy.  Wheee!  I had some Merlot and it was delicious!  I ordered an alfredo dish that had artichokes and bell pepper in it.  It was amazing, this place has really been working on their recipes.  I ate hardly any of it because I was already full.  I ate salad and a piece of bread and all my wine.  Hubby got a tortellini alla panna dish.  We both ate a tiny amount and packed the rest up to go.  We got dessert to go too.  :)  We'll be eating like kings for the next few days.

It was fun though, I always love hanging out with him.  I'm married to him, but I still sometimes feel like a giddy teenager when I'm out with him on a date.

OMG I'm a drunk cornball right now.  I need to shut up.  Ha!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

woowoo!!

Today at work I got a "get out of jail free" card.  LOL!  Since I've had perfect attendance for the quarter they gave me a free paid hour off.  That's not much but.....considering the people I work for....that's a HUGE deal.  They have never been generous with incentives.

So I came home and I ran for half an hour and then slaughtered my arms with my new dumbbells that my hubby bought for me.  Sheesh I'm such a wuss.  They're only 10 pounds and I'm seriously struggling to do more than 20 reps of anything.  I thought I was such a badass doing my p90x videos.  Well, turns out it's a lot harder when you use more than 5 pound weights.  Boo.  I've been doing arm stuff every 2 or 3 days so hopefully I'll start seeing a little muscle peeking through.

Breakfast was coffee.
Lunch was dried apricots.
Dinner was creamed spinach and some leftover chicken.

My total for the day is around 500 calories!  My husband is currently in the kitchen whipping up some spicy alfredo.  GAH!  I love alfredo.....and I especially love anything spicy.  He's not even hungry, he's just in the mood to experiment.  I'm already holed up in another room, I've eaten and I'm full and I'm going to keep myself occupied with blogs and thinspo until he's done.  

Monday, February 11, 2013

Taking Alli....

I have such a terrible time thinking of blog titles sometimes.  I never had that problem until I realized that all I ever write about is food and weight loss.  Wow.  How boring.

So anyway.

Today was a good day....according to my food tracker I was around 950 calories for the day.  I think I need to drink more water so....lately my goal has been 70 ounces a day.  That's slightly more than is "normal" for my weight.  I feel like I spent the whole damn day in the bathroom at work.  I know eventually my body will get used to it again.  I always feel so much better when I drink enough water, it's just a matter of building back up to it so I don't have to pee constantly.

I actually ate all three meals today and was still at my calorie goal!  Normally I can't spread my calories out very well because it's ingrained in me to eat a large dinner.  I'm slowly getting past that and learning to portion better.  Breakfast was dried apricots with coffee.  Lunch was a baked potato.  Dinner was a bunch of sauteed bell peppers with a little cheese and sour cream...plus two corn tortillas.  Not too shabby!  I'm not even hungry!

I started taking Alli again.  It helped me a lot in the past, I lost my first 20 pounds using it.  Honestly I don't think that my success was from taking the actual pill....it was from the fear of the "side effects."  Hhaha!  If you know anything about alli, then you know what I'm talking about.  Not wanting to leak orange oil (aka, excess fat) out of my ass was a great motivation to keep each meal under 15 fat grams.  Absolutely NO binging on fatty foods allowed or you will regret it, sorely.  TMI.  Sorry.  It really made me take a look at what I was eating and how realistic my portion sizes were.

Mkay....I've gotta go.  I have a hot date with my treadmill and the Biggest Loser show.  I haven't been watching it much this season but it's decent motivation for running.  If they can do it....so can I!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

long time....no post

Ugh.  Life.  Blogging has kind of been the furthest thing from my mind lately.  Here's a quick re-cap:

My sister got a house (to rent)!!!  This is a HUGE deal.  Financially she's completely fucked herself.  She's been living with a mooching girlfriend (who lives rent-free in a house her mother owns) for the last two years and finally got up the nerve to tell her that she's moving out.  It's been a bad situation for all involved.  Her girlfriend is lazy and a hoarder....she has no job and no desire to get one.   I'm proud of my sister for standing up and saying she wants her own place and then going out and working her ass off to get it.  It's just down the street, so it's not like they'll lose their little family unit they've got going with the kids.  Sadly, my sister's girlfriend is a very big part of my niece's life.  She provides a lot of homework help that my sister isn't able to give her, she really does see her as a second mom....but she's also tired of living with her and anxious to have her own bedroom again.

My niece will have a kick ass room too!  The house is built weird, in 1908 with all sorts of add-ons.  There is a door built into my niece's closet that leads to a secret little sun room.  How freaking awesome is that????  Who builds a door in a closet??  LOL!

Um....what else?

Hubby and I have been looking for a chunk of land to buy.  We found one that we want but it's a little far away for my taste.  It has a 2 acre lake and 4 acres of land, mostly wooded and some grassy.  That is PERFECT for us!!  It's a 3 hour drive though, so we have to be realistic about how much we will actually use it.   We can knock out all of our hobbies with this land.  LOL!  There is an area that is perfect for building an archery range.  He can ride his dirt bike, I can kayak and ride my bike on the country road around the property.  We can fish, hunt, camp, whatever we want!  Eventually the idea is to live there but that takes time (and money).  We have enough money saved up so we can buy the land with cash plus have a little extra for whatever fees are involved with closing costs (ARE there closing costs when you only buy land?).  After that we plan on renting it out to hunters/fishers/ATV/RV people for some extra income to fund the taxes or utilities/upkeep.  We have some more research to do though on how to get electricity and water....plus we have to have the county "establish an entrance" whatever that means.  No clue if that costs money or not.  I'm excited to have our own private land.  I hate when I'm out jumping on the trampoline in my pajamas like a giddy 12 year old and realize that my creepy neighbor is watching me from her kitchen window.  Ugh.

So yesterday morning I found out that my aunt is in ICU.  Nobody seems to know what happened.  She collapsed at home friday night.  They had a rough time getting her to the hospital because of the stupid blizzard.  Apparently she's fine but she has to stay in the hospital for a week minimum.  I found all of this out via facebook.  *sigh*  I think my family hates me....or they think that I don't care or something.  This is my favorite aunt.  I do care.  Just because I've recently been a bit vocally critical of the Mennonite faith.....this does not mean that I don't still love my family.  Why can't they see this?

Food?  Yeah....not so fabulous lately.  I've been stress eating.  Somehow, I've only gained 7 pounds in two weeks of eating fast food, eating big dinners, lots of alcohol and LOTS of horrible greasy drunken eating.  I have no idea how I didn't do more damage.  I didn't even work out.

BUT this morning I made a little change.  I'm one of those people that I love to plan ahead and I love to make lists.  I tend to screw myself though when I say that I'm going to do something "from here on out."  So for today I am working out and eating healthy.  Tomorrow I hope to do the same, but we'll see.  I worked out for half an hour this morning on my elliptical, jumped outside on the trampoline until my legs were rubbery.....then breakfast was pretty healthy.  I concocted this fabulous new recipe.  I sliced up a red bell pepper and a green one.....cooked them with a tiny bit of broth and fajita seasoning in a skillet.  When they were soft and a little bit charred I added a little sour cream and stirred it up with the broth and little burnt bits to make a sauce.  HOLY CRAP it was delicious!!  I only used about a tablespoon of sour cream so the calories were still low...and that was my whole meal.  

Okay.  Enough babbling.  I've got stuff to do today.