Burning Nag Champa somehow is improving my mood right now. How weird that a smell can affect my mood so much. That, and hearing my Waterdeep CD. I haven’t listened to this CD in forever! It reminds me of all my old church and college friends.
I feel so lost in this world. I mean, I know I’m not “lost”…but it seems like I’m just wandering aimlessly sometimes. It looks on the outside as though I’ve got my shit together. I’m approaching marriage, I’m financially stable, I have a 401k. I’ve paid off a car. Family drama is at a minimum right now. I’m healthy. So yeah, I’ve got all my shit together. But I’m lost because I don’t know anything. I don’t have anything to define myself with anymore. I’m no longer “so and so’s” daughter or grandaughter…I don’t define myself according to who I’m related to.
I no longer define myself according to a certain religious denomination. I’m closer than I ever have been to God and to finding out who I am regarding my spirituality. But I can no longer define myself as a Baptist or a Mennonite or a charismatic or someone who goes to Bridgeway or the Vineyard. For a long time I defined myself as a prophetic and intercessory person. I used to throw myself headlong into that stuff. I analyzed dreams and I paced my living room in the wee hours of the morning praying for whatever I felt God was leading me to pray for. I was able to go out in public and stop complete strangers and tell them things that I couldn’t possibly have known about them without a supernatural source. I defined myself by all that.
I mean, I still believe in all that stuff. But I guess I’m just so far away from it now. I guess I’m trying to say that I wonder if I was just using that stuff as the new religion for me. I mean, when I was a kid I defined myself as a Baptist and all the things that went with being a fundie Christian. And then when I was at Bridgeway I used that new doctrine to replace the old one. I still had all the same issues underneath it all! That’s what frustrates me.
At the core of ME I am an awful and evil human. I accept that my connection with God renders my true essence null and void. But no matter how much I believe in God…all that shit still comes out. I’m not perfect and I never will be…no matter what God I worship. He makes me perfect, but I’m still evil at my core.
I was reading an old history book this morning. It was really funny…”The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody” by Will Cuppy. Love this guy.. He writes about all the things that I’ve wondered about in every history class I ever took. He points out the stupidity of the philosophers and the scholars of the past.
Despite the education I’ve had…I’m smarter than Aristotle in a lot of ways. He might be a little better at math. But I could have easily told you that the Nile river flooded because of the rainy season in that area. More water falling from the sky results in more water accumulated on the land. And I do not think it’s logical to say that a pig eats the moon once a week.
So while reading this book I was reminded of how very small of an existence I am. There are so very many hundreds of trillions of souls that have existed. God’s a big God to keep track of all that. I can say from experience that I communicate with God. We have one on one conversations and I don’t think it’s because I’m crazy. It’s truly intimate, what we’ve got. But how many other people have that too? How many people in history figured that part of their spirituality out? How many little Greek or Mayan girls, while offering their harvest sacrifices…thought in their heads that they could truly converse intimately with a spiritual being that was head of all creation?
Alexander the Great was amazing because he killed a lot of people in lots of different places. Why? To further his own little majesty. And we think he’s great because of that!?! If some asshole killed my family just so he could conquer the great state of Kansas I would NOT think he was great.
Some of the women leaders who were so great and famous….were probably crazy controlling bitches that had issues with self esteem and got off on having men murdered.
I always wondered about all the wars in the Bible. In some cases, God instructed people to attack another tribe or territory. People died. Kids died. Innocents died. Why? Because God told someone to attack and conquer the territory? I understand that all of this has a greater purpose. I suppose....
I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that God is not interested as much in the physical part of us humans….as He is with the spiritual part. My life here on earth doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. Granted, it’s hard for me to understand an afterlife and what it might be like. I know what I’ve been taught. I also know what I’ve read about from other religions and people-groups. But that doesn’t make anything any more clear. So I will continue on in this physical life, just going through the motions and doing my best to exist in a way that brings mental and physical health to both myself and those around me. And I’ll wait….. Wait to see if there is something more and if it really is better than the physical here and now.
Millions upon millions of nobodies have existed for eons before me. I truly believe that God knows and loves each and every one. I believe that He is the creator of all. The enormity of an afterlife with every soul that was intimate with God…that’s just massive. Some say it’s gonna just be a big party all the time…a huge worship session that’s fun and intense and deep. I’m a hermit at heart, masses like that terrify me. This idea of heaven is not appealing to me.
Supposedly all of our weaknesses will be gone and we’ll be made perfect, the way we were meant to be. I don’t think that cookie cutter souls are what God has in mind. We’re all created with different interests and personalities. I don’t believe those are flaws, nor will they be taken away when we move into the afterlife. So um, I don’t wanna go to the huge party, it doesn’t fit with my personality. The Bible talks about huge mansions that God will build for us. I don’t want a mansion. I just want a small little hut in an unnoticed corner of Heaven…and just hope God drops by for a visit every now and then.
Sometimes I think it’s a little egotistical to think that God talks to ME….lil ol’ me…and that He loves ME and knows everything about ME. I mean, what about all the other people? But I can’t deny what I’ve experienced. I don’t know how God does it, but somehow he makes me feel like I’m the only one in his world, the apple of his eye, his favorite. But reality shows me that I’m not the only one.
In a very weird way the thought of not being the only one…lets me breathe a little easier. I’m not the only one in the world to fuck up this physical life. I’m not the only controlling manipulative woman. I’m not the only one who fears…everything. I need not panic because I'm not fullfilling the expectations of others/myself/God. And with all that…I can fall back on knowing that I have experienced (and can continue to experience) LOVE from a spiritual being that I call God.
My head hurts. Either I’ve breathed in too much Nag Champa or I need to give the thinking a rest. I’m gonna go with the latter.