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Saturday, May 5, 2007

Fight Club thoughts

Alright.  This is going to be long.  So for those of you who actually read this…my kudos.  And just in case there are people out there who have NOT seen this movie, beware of spoilers ahead.

When I first moved to OKC I had a tape that I’d dubbed from a cd….it was the soundtrack for Fight Club.  You know, the movie with Brad Pitt?  Right, well I never actually SAW the movie.  I just liked the music to listen to when I went running.

I saw Fight Club for the first time, the other night.  My head was so full afterward that I rambled on until Kyle said I actually fell asleep TALKING!  HaHa.  I love movies that make me think.

For those of you who care to know:  here are ALL my thoughts on Fight Club.

-I love the “film noir” genre. Not sure if that applies to Fight Club but....in my mind it does.  I think this movie was expertly visualized.  I loved all of the angles and the lighting and the costuming and sets and everything.  It was just SO cool to “see.”  I'm so weird.  It’s actually possible for me to see a movie and be so wrapped up in what it looks like that I have no clue what the story was.  I could totally watch this movie on mute.

-I know all too well, the addiction of support groups.  For a lot of people they really are a source of strength and a beginning for recovery.  I’ve been to several different sorts of them for several different sorts of addictions and disorders.  For me, they were a source of  human contact.  I’ve spent too many hours alone, scared of intruders, jumping at phone calls, and literally in physical pain because I was so lonely.  It wasn’t just the lonliness that hurt, it was other stuff too….but that was just the main one.  I LOVED the anonymity of these groups.  I loved that I could come and be my weird fucked up self.  I wasn’t ashamed to cry at someone else’s story…and I didn’t feel like my own thoughts were so different anymore.  I did, however, pick up a few new addictive ideas…and made some friends that didn’t necessarily help my “recovery” process.  Every night of the week I had people to be around, with no obligation.  They didn’t want anything from me, except to simply exist in each other’s presence and to listen.  I never really talked to people…just listened to what they had to say.  And I learned a lot.

I found freedom.  Losing all hope was freedom.

-Single Serving friends-  I know those tooooo well.  I want to strive to know....actually KNOW the people around me.

-Our possessions do not define us.  Are they essential to our survival?  In the hunter gatherer sense…no.  The things you own end up owning you.

“What kind of dining set defines me as a person?”

-The first fight….I remember my own first fight with myself.  I remember having to gather up my little 7 year old nerve so that I could slam a hammer into my calf.  I remember, and in an odd way…miss…the pain.  Later it turned into a deeper obsession that I’m not so proud of.  It’s actually rather hard to admit.

After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.  You could deal with anything.

The rules:  Do not talk.  What a common rule….it’s just another side to control and manipulation.  Who you are in your addiction…(in fight club) is not who you are in the rest of the world.