Pages

Sunday, September 17, 2006

confusion

It’s 3:45 a.m.  I’ve been laying in bed mulling over a dream and now I can’t sleep.  My brain just won't shut off.

DREAM:  I was standing in the kitchen trying to tell Kyle something, he was sitting on the couch.  A bug kept coming at me…at my face I think.  It happened when I tried to say something.  I looked closer at it and saw it was a small scorpion.  It had front claws that seemed disproportionate to the rest of it’s body.  It would come at me starting by dropping down from the ceiling to the floor and then flying up at my face.  (since when do scorpions fly !@#$%)  I left the room each time before it could get me.  It seemed to lose me for awhile after I came back into the room….but it kept finding me again and attacking quicker and quicker each time.  Kyle told me that baby scorpions will often attack in this manner.  He tossed me a can of raid.  I woke up before I could do anything about the scorpion.

----------------------------------
I’m still concerned over whether or not I should be with Kyle.  (please, can everyone just put their rules and Bibles down for just a second and listen to me!!)  I feel like he is my soul mate in every area except spiritual beliefs.  He’s not a believer and has said that he never wants to be.  I know that he’s basing this decision on the way that church people have treated him in the past.  I keep reminding him that I’m “one of those church people” and he insists that he doesn’t see any similarities.  He’s experienced uncaring, pushy religious people that look down on him and his issues  or that write him off as impossible to save.

I know that I don’t want to be married to a man who has differing beliefs than I do.  But I wonder….what if God is fixing to change this?  What if God has me in Kyle’s life to show him that God is not to be limited to what he’s experienced in stuffy churches and preachy friends?  What if God is moving in Kyle’s heart and removing this one area of concern for me being with him?

For once in my life I feel taken care of and loved for who I am….even areas of differing opinions….he still accepts me.  (but I’m not accepting this area of belief/unbelief with him?)

I’ve asked God dozens of times to provide a clear pathway OUT….if indeed that’s what I’m to do.  I need a job, a place to live, and help to move.  I need to know that if I leave Kyle I would not be digressing back to severe lonliness, depression and addiction.

I have to be honest that I don’t see where any of this will come from.  I mean, I KNOW that God never seems logical when it comes to decisions like this.  I’ve heard all the trite answers of “just trust God”  “have faith”  etc. etc.  But I think those are just phrases that church people come up with when they don’t want to see God’s house get messy.  I’ve tried over the last year to get re-involved with Bridgeway.  I’ve only come against brick walls.  It seems like every attempt at getting into a church, reaching out for friends or help with issues or advice or prayer, all comes up nothing.  Every time I go to church I leave lonely and upset.

I wonder if maybe I’m expecting too much.  I always thought (and have heard sermons on this) that life with God and as a part of His church and His body…should not be lonely and barren.  I shouldn’t be turned away when I ask for help moving my stuff into a new apartment.  But….maybe I’m sabotaging it and don’t realize that.  Community is one of the main things Bridgeway talks about….and it’s just so damned hard to break into one!!!  I don’t know, maybe God’s wanting me to fight my way in?  Maybe I need to be more pushy?  Ugh.

Maybe Bridgeway isn’t where God wants me.  I’m praying hard about that and asking about clarity of a new place, new community.  But that’s scary.  Bridgeway is what I know.  I know people there….have had friends there.  I’ve grown so much spiritually there.

So AGAIN….I sit and wait.  Unless God gives me some sort of superhuman strength….I can’t leave.  The reasons to stay with Kyle are far bigger than the one reason not to.  I can’t believe that God is going to give up on Kyle being one of His kids too.  I can’t just walk out of his life.
I often think of the story where Abraham had to sacrifice his son and kill him on the altar…..and at the last second God stops him.  I don’t think that the point was just that God would provide….but it’s about Abraham’s willingness to give up the son that he’d loved and cherished and pleaded for.  Once God saw where his heart really was, he gave Abraham back his son.

So I wonder if I’m supposed to do this with Kyle.  I’m afraid that it will get messed up and I’ll end up hurting him, getting kicked out of the house….and he will have just one more reason that God and Christians are all bad….and I will be without the man I love, a house, a job, etc.

ARGH!!!!

I want to do what is right.  I hesitate to ask Christians for advice or help because the typical response would be to prove to me with a bible verse that I am living in sin and need to get out.

It’s just NOT THAT EASY!!!  Dealing with sin and with God and with people, is never going to be neat and clean and easy.  I was told once that God was using my sin of rebellion to draw me closer to Himself.  In getting away from the church and my family….I found God for myself and developed a deeper love for Him and a real relationship with Him.  Who am I to say that God isn’t going to make something beautiful out of my situation now?

But I have the nagging question in the back of my head of….what if He isn’t…and He’s telling me to get out and I’m not listening.