Wednesday, August 23, 2006

blowing steam (squeamish beware)

FOREWORD: Harsh language, and honest angry feelings ahead. My blog is for me to express myself with nothing held back. If anybody can't handle that, you may as well take me off your list now.


How absolutely pitiful of me that I allow other people....other define my worth.

I'm so SICK of being "witnessed" to and told that I am an abomination in the eyes of God. I'm TIRED of being messaged by well-meaning friends of friends of friends and told that I will be punished by God for my sins and that I have an unrepentant heart and will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

It's really hard to not completely blow up at these people. I don't believe that it would be right for me to do so. But I need to vent. *sigh* So I'm venting here and adjusting the privacy settings on my blog.   I know, how very childish of me.

I'm just really really really ANGRY and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. I realize that some of what they say is probably true. That kills me. It doesn't make me want to turn to God though, it only shoves me towards the tendency to absolve my own sin through self destruction.

I've tried to just be nice and talk to these people (ok, it's just one person in particular). I've tried for months to reason with this person and explain what it's like from the "other side of the tracks" where things aren't pretty and christians aren't pretty either. Nothing gets through. I'm torn. I admire this person for being so well versed in scripture and completely unshakeable in what they stand for. But I'm ANGRY at how they use it to make themselves look good and to belittle others in the name of preaching the Word and spreading the gospel. I've asked nicely for them to back off of me and just let me change and grow on my own....without their help. But that just made them even more eager. *sigh* Somehow that proved that I was rebellious at heart and unrepentant and worthy of hell.

Upon meeting this person I was really struck by their background before knowing well as their current relationship with Him. I tried to share some common struggles and encourage this person with some things I've experienced. Nothing I said held any water because the person soon found out that I was acting in unholy ways. Everything I say is discounted now because of my sin. I mean, how unrealistic is that??? I didn't automatically write them off just because of sins that were confessed to me in private!! Why would they do that to me? Is my sin REALLY that much more awful than theirs?

I try very hard to have an understanding for every existing Christian denomination and method of worship. But this is ridiculous. I just can't take this person anymore.

This person's words actually make me cry and they say it's all in the name of making me face my sin. I hate crying.

I'm really hurt by all this and REALLY pissed. I've come to loathe christians and church and conservative denominations SO MUCH MORE since knowing this person. It makes me sick. I want to scream at them and swear, and if I were face to face I might even consider a left hook! I've held back my words and have just had to ignore the msgs I get and avoid their blog. And yeah, I was stupid enough tonight to read a msg. Thus THIS onslaught. Everything I've tried to say in my own defense or in "love's" defense....has been shot down with quoted scripture. So what am I supposed to say to that??? This person says that I need to be faced with the "Truth" once and for all and I will be eternally affected by what I choose. I can say nothing. And I'm left wondering if I'm just going to rot in hell because I'm so awful. This person says that my growing away from the church and scripture is only proof that I'm not really the christian I say I am. ARGH!!!!!! Well FUCK YOU!!!!!

I fucking HATE the way you talk down to me all the time! I FUCKING HATE the way you are so damned perfect and proper and holy. I DO NOT ANSWER TO YOU!!!  I HATE HATE HATE how you compare big sins and little sins and you constantly are saying you sin everyday but at least they aren't the really big sins like having sex outside of marriage or chemical dependency or disrespecting my parents or not being willing to tell every person I meet about Jesus. FUCK YOU!!!!

*WHEW* Sorry. I just really had to say some things and get it outta me or I was just gonna let it sit and fester. Maybe I'm wrong by letting it out this way. But right now I just don't give a shit. I stand by my personal story of how I met Jesus. But honestly, if THIS is what it's all about, then I want OUT and I mean it. I refuse to worship a God that wants me to act/think/talk like what I've experienced the last few months.

After sleeping on this, I've decided that much of why I am so hurt and offended by this person is because they are picking at things that are already sore with me. I already am terrified of God and terrified of how badly I'm sinning. I'm powerless really, to change or become repentant. I feel really guilty about things I'm caught up in. My view of God is skewed as is my view of myself. So pile on a religous person and I sorta flip out.

I've concluded that no matter how hard I try, my heart will never be healed up enough and my life will never be clean enough, I will never lead enough people to God, I will never love enough, I will never be worthy enough. But I have to come back to the point that....this is precisely why Jesus died. If I believe anything else it only taints His blood. If I believe I can make myself worthy, then I'm sorta putting myself as a god able to redeem. In the same sense, if I don't believe that Jesus' blood was enough to cover every dirty part of me....then I'm making an idol out of my sin thinking that it's bigger than God is. Hope that makes sense.

I think one of the mistakes I made with this person was pointing out that I thought there was something they were hiding with their religiousness. That didn't go over well. yeesh.

And you know? I'm being reminded of an experience I had a few years back. I was at a prophetic training seminar for a weekend. I posted about this a looooong time ago, might have to put it up again because it's a good reminder to me. Um, this guy went totally nutso with me (a stranger) telling me that I was going through a preparation time for a ministry I'd have. I'm called to be a person that will stand up for the little guys, the innocents being abused because of the abuses I've overcome myself. I thought at the time that I would be moved towards working with abused kids. But the more I think about it...the more I wonder if it includes some of this. My heart very much longs to show people that there is a Jesus beyond religion. I long for this for myself too which might be why I'm thinking in this direction. But really....I come into contact with SO many people who have been hurt by religion and church, and my heart hurts for them (and myself).

I want to help teach people how to pursue God for themselves and deal with their issues and let God move in and change stuff.

argh. This shit gets me so worked up. Passion and emotion is good, but sometimes I wish I had a little less.