Monday, May 22, 2006


We got our AC fixed!!! Whew!

I've really been enjoying some conversations with a friend of mine. He and I are quite close and have been for the last 4 years or so. I don't really know how to describe our friendship. he's sort of a mentor, sort of a dad, sort of a counselor, and sort of somebody I spar with when i'm feeling rambunctious and need to work out some thoughts. anyway, he's amazing. I love him to pieces and cherish our relationship. Lately he's turned me onto some thought processing I've not done in awhile. He's been a substance abuse counselor as well as a prayer /healing counselor for church for a long time. So I trust what he says.

anyway, I've been thinking really hard about the way I hear God speak to me. I tend to do a lot of what my friend calls "mind-fucking" myself. I work myself around in circles for hours on one mere sentence....and then flip out over the whole thing that was so simple to begin with. Wow. I'm really not explaining myself well. *sigh* Then again...that's part of the mind-fucking. I tend to censor myself so severely that nothing i truly am thinking ever gets to the outside world. I'm even constantly going back over these stupid blogs and editing things. It's ridiculous.

Back to my main point here. Since I've lived in this state (7 years about), I've had a completely different view of God and the way he speaks to me. I'm not completely sure how I thought God spoke to me before this....don't really think I thought about that much. I was usually way too concerned about looking nice and clean and pretty...than to have time to figure out IF God speaks to me, much less how or what He might be saying. I've been taught how to quiet my busy/crazy mind and listen for that still small voice the Bible speaks about. Anyway, my mind is going a million and one miles per hour right now, dunno why. I guess I just get flustered when I'm trying to explain how I think/feel about a sensitive subject. Religion and God and Christianity and Church and everything just extremely confusing to me. I want so desperately to know the REAL salvation that God offers...the one that comes with abundant life and joy and stuff....not the cheap fire insurance I got when I was 5. I want to understand all of the contradictions. I want to know why there are so many rules and stereotypes in church...when God is supposed to be accepting of anybody no matter what. Why do church people get so damned upset over the sins of other people in their church? Why does the church spend so much fucking time teaching what you are supposed to do or not do....and not just spend time together in God's presence? Why are church people the first ones to get offended in a situation and leave? I must confess that I sort of jump at the chance to offend other Christians (ones that are "churchy" at least) and just observe how they handle situations where there is lots of swearing or loud vulgar music or skanky clothing, alcohol, pot or just whatever.

I don't know....I'm just really really really confused about a lot of stuff right now. There are a lot of God issues that I need to think through and work out for myself. I honestly have no clue what I believe anymore or who God is, or who I am for that matter. I've been so lost and caught up in religion that there is nothing left to believe in....and so many years of my life have been lost trying to prove to the world and myself and my family, that I was somebody that I was not. I try so very hard to explain to other people where I stand now, with religion and God and salvation...but I'm still figuring that out for myself. So many things don't make sense....and I'm not used to questioning things like this. In the church I grew up in, there was no room for questioning anything. There was a bible verse to explain everything....but I never really understood those explanations anyway.

argh! i'm talking in circles here. *sigh* I need to get myself to bed.

Thanks for "listening" to my babble.